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Aug 24, 2019
By Jason Soucinek and Walt Mueller
3 Lies The Culture Tells Us About Porn
This blog was adapted from the third episode of the second series of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
The culture is full of stories of how porn doesn’t hurt anyone. Pornography used to exist in the dirt and dark shadows of society and culture. While it existed, there were commonly held standards and societal safeguards that kept it at the fringes and out of the mainstream. But that has all changed in a relatively short period of time.
It’s no longer a matter of if you will see pornography…it’s only a matter of when. Those long held standards and safeguards have declined to nothing. Accessibility, affordability, and anonymity have all played a factor in making porn readily and easily available.
50 years ago, you had to interact with someone to personally purchase or secure pornography by buying it at quick mart or seven eleven. 35 years ago you could rent a VHS tape from a rental store. Both required you to stand before someone and make a purchase.
Today technology allows someone to access pornography from their fingertips without ever having someone know, and the supply is unlimited. Type “XXX” into google you will get well over a billion results.
Never before has pornography been so accessible and it also doesn’t cost you anything. Most of it is available for free online. 80%-90% of what is accessed is free material. All of which can be done sitting alone in your home while hiding your identity.
Because of this unlimited accessibility, our perceptions of pornography have changed. As society changes its standards and established safeguards, so too does our perception of pornography.
Lie 1: Porn Doesn’t Hurt Anyone.
The truth is that the pornography industry regularly exploits the women and children they use in the making of their content.
In their analysis of over 80 million child pornography images since 2002, The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children found that 1 out of every 6 runaways reported in 2016 were likely sex-trafficking victims. This means these children were likely involved in either the adult entertainment industry (pornography) or sex trafficking.
These statistics also reveal many “porn stars” are involved against their own will. A common practice is to “groom” women through online ads luring them to serve in an escort service. A trafficker or “madam” (female leader of trafficking victims) then continues to push the victim toward a one-time role and then ongoing role in prostitution, pornography filming or a combination of these practices.
And the problem does not stop outside the doors of the church.
Most pastors (57 percent) and youth pastors (64 percent) admit they have struggled with porn, either currently or in the past, the Barna Group reported in a 2016 study. “Overall, 21% of youth pastors and 14% of pastors admit they currently struggle with using porn.” More than 1 in 10 youth pastors (12%) and 1 in 20 pastors (5%) said they are addicted.
Lie 2: Porn Helps Increase Sex Drive and Sex Life.
First, pornography distorts your view of sex and sexuality. We must remember that sex is a GOOD thing created by God to experience and share with each other within the boundaries of lifelong, exclusive, covenantal marriage. Sex is a means to foster marital intimacy for mutual pleasure and for procreation.
Pornography takes all that and turns it into something entirely separate from this plan. Sex is seen as purely physical – void of intimacy, closeness, oneness, relationship, and commitment. It’s all about the mechanics of what you get, rather than what you give. It also teaches that sex is primal, hormone-driven, and conquest-driven.
Second, it SUPER-SIZES sexual expectations. Women are taught to behave like porn stars, men are taught to be aggressive in their pursuit, and sexual perversions are normalized. What was once disturbing is now tame, normal, and acceptable. We become conditioned to act outside of our God-ordained destiny as it relates to sex.
Lie 3: Porn Doesn’t Have a Lasting Impact.
First, Pornography causes an earlier onset of sexual activity in our children. In one study it showed an association between pornography use and increased acceptance of behaviors such as; premarital sex, casual sex, multiple sexual partners, cohabitation, premarital pregnancy, and substance abuse.
Second, it can lower an individual’s libido. A 2015 study by researchers at the University of California found a rare positive correlation between porn watching and libido. Couple this with an increase in erectile dysfunction in recent years in otherwise healthy young men, and it is largely thought that excessive porn use was the most likely the factor at play.
Finally, let us not forget how it hijacks the brain. There is legitimate scientific research and evidence coming out all the time that shows how pornography is harmful to the brain. We’re seeing more evidence about porn’s capability to change how the brain functions. Neuroscientific studies show that repeatedly viewing porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in how one sees sex, enters relationships, and engages with both.
These lies remind us of the importance of healthy discussions we have surrounding pornography in the home. It’s a good thing to talk about pornography because it’s one of the greatest threats to the spiritual and relational health of ourselves and our children. It’s an unfortunate thing because it’s so pervasive and enticing in today’s world. The statistics tell us this, our own experience tells us this, common sense tells us this, and the sheer number of stories we see, hear, and find ourselves in tell us this.
But here is the fortunate part, you and I have the opportunity to talk about God’s good gift of sex as the sex-maker with our children.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around parenting and all the reasons you should be encouraged on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
Teen Vogue magazine is not longer available in print, but it continues to pump out content in its’ free online format. In other words, it’s accessible. The target audience is girls between the ages of twelve to seventeen. Of course, there are those outside of the target (both younger and older) who access the content online.
Recently, Teen Vogue’s efforts to “educate, enlighten and empower” impressionable kids included an op-ed piece by Dr. Tlaleng Mofokeng of South Africa’s Nalane for Reproductive Justice entitled, “Why Sex Work Is Real Work.” This is not a joke.
In the piece. . . which for the life of me I can’t even imagine why it was included in a magazine for kids. . . Mofokeng argues that sex work (prostitution, sex trafficking, etc.) should be decriminalized globally. She ridiculously argues first that since as a medical doctor she is involved in advising patients on sexual health for payment, she is a sex worker herself. She even asks, “And in some ways, aren’t we all?” She continues, “Sex workers must be affirmed through upholding and the protection of their human rights to autonomy, dignity, fair labor practices, access to evidence-based care. It is for this and many other reasons that I believe sex work and sex worker rights are women’s rights, health rights, labor rights, and the litmus test for intersectional feminism.”
Mofokeng lets her young readers know that sex work is something that can be legitimately bought and sold. . . “So, what exactly is sex work? Not all sex workers engage in penetrative sex, though, undeniably, that is a big part of sex work. Sex-worker services between consenting adults may include companionship, intimacy, nonsexual role playing, dancing, escorting, and stripping. These roles are often pre-determined, and all parties should be comfortable with them. Many workers take on multiple roles with their clients, and some may get more physical while other interactions that may have started off as sexual could evolve into emotional and psychological bonding. The clients who seek sex workers vary, and they’re not just men. The idea of purchasing intimacy and paying for the services can be affirming for many people who need human connection, friendship, and emotional support. Some people may have fantasies and kink preferences that they are able to fulfill with the services of a sex worker.”
While the inclusion of the piece in a teen magazine and the reasoning of the piece may seem to you to be morally reprehensible and horribly flawed, think again. Sure, for those of us who hold to a world view that values God-given human dignity, believes in freedom through the embrace of our full humanity as rooted in the image of God, and believes that the pursuit of sexual shalom is God’s life-giving will and way. . . well, the op-ed piece is a mark of our continued slide into the insanity of moral schizophrenia. But for those who are growing up in our brave new world built on a foundation of expressive individualism, this is nothing more than an accepted and logical conclusion. Ultimately, we’ve lost our collective mind.
So what should we do with this?
If you are a youth worker, I’d be making parents aware of the piece in Teen Vogue, along with its’ larger moral context. I’d also be letting parents know that even if their kids never access Teen Vogueor read this particular piece, they are engaging with peers who are steeped without thought or critique in this kind of believing and behaving. It will be communicated, lived, and rubbing off in the course of daily life. This is simply the way it is. So, parents must be processing this with their kids in age-appropriate ways.
Which leads to my next bit of advice. . . we must grasp the fact that this is certainly not the way its’ supposed to be. God’s good gift of sexuality is being distorted and denigrated in a variety of ways. What was once unthinkable is now normalized. But that doesn’t mean that normal is or should be acceptable. We must communicate the truth about sex, sexuality, sexual immorality, and sexual trafficking (both that which is willing, and that which is forced).
I have been wondering when the bottom would fall out on the foundational commonly-held belief that sexual trafficking is despicable and must be undone. Sadly, Teen Vogue is making me wonder if we taken the first horrible step in the direction of the abyss. This is not what it means “to save the world.”
This blog was adapted from the sixth episode of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
So often parents can feel overwhelmed and defeated before the conversations surrounding sexual integrity even begin. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Simply having a willingness to engage in this subject with your children makes a world of difference. Here are four things to remember as you engage in this conversation.
Parents, your voice matters!
Study after study shows that a parent’s voice has a lasting impact. For instance, one study asked parents who they thought had the most influence on their teens’ sexual choices. Close to half of the parents thought their teens’ friends had the most influence, but here’s the good news: in reality, 45 percent of teenagers ages 12 to 14 said parents were the most influential, with friends coming in a distant second at 31%.
In another study, in which 15,000 7th-12th graders were surveyed, it was found that kids who perceived that their parents disapproved of teenage sexual activity were less likely to become sexually active. Finally, another study of more than 1,000 12 to 16 year old’s found that the more parents communicated with their kids about sex, the less likely the kids were to have sexual intercourse. This is good news. It means your voice matters… but this means your voice needs to be heard. Your value needs to be shared!
Provide a map for your children.
As you are teaching and giving good biblical sex education you need to understand that you are providing a map. Our children are swimming 24/7 in a soup that is flavoring the way they think, act, and reflect on sex. Because the cultural stuff they swim in everyday serves as a map (telling them what to believe and how to live), we must know where the cultural map is sending them. Then, we must respond by showing them the way of God’s map for their lives. Effective ministries to children and teens–whether in the church or home – are marked by a balanced, three-fold response to everything we see in the soup.
First,respond to what you see in the soup prophetically. Make an intentional effort to look for and seize opportunities to speak biblical truth into their lives in response to the realities that exist. Looking in the soup will reveal the realities that exist. Spending time with Jesus in his Word will shape your prophetic response. At times, you will find yourself affirming where the map of culture is sending kids in the right direction, yet at other times you’ll challenge the map where it sends them down the wrong road. Maybe the best way to put forth a prophetic response is to follow the lead of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Do you remember how he did this? He would begin by saying something like, “You have heard it said that. . .” Then, he would lay out whatever the popular cultural belief was. Then, he would continue by saying, “but. . . I tell you. . .” Then, he would lay out the Kingdom way of looking at the matter. Your kids are soaking in a culture that shapes their values, attitudes, and behaviors with lots and lots of “you have heard it said that’s.” Your responsibility it to expose the “you have heard it said that’s,” and then correct them with the scripture’s “but I tell you’s”. That’s what it means to respond prophetically.
Second, respond to what you see in the soup preventively.All parents share a great concern for their kids’ physical well-being when they are young. We know enough about children to know that they might wander into the street, talk to strangers, or reach for hot stuff. As a result, we do our best to prevent them from wandering into the street, talking to strangers, and burning themselves on a hot burner or dish. Likewise, if we care about the spiritual health of our children, we should answer the map’s faulty directions preventively, by going out of our way to equip them to face all of life and its challenges in a way that brings honor and glory to God. They need us to pass on the valuable information we’ve learned about life so that they adopt values, attitudes, and behaviors that keep them from harm and tend to their spiritual well-being. One very practical suggestion is to regularly offer your kids opportunities to evaluate their music, media, and advertising from a Christian perspective. Not only does this preventive measure teach them to think through a Christian lens about all of life, but it opens the door to address all the topics in the media “soup” from a biblical perspective.
Finally, respond to their sin, failures, and mistakes redemptively. All children face temptation, and all children will make dangerous and sinful choices. Remember, they’re young, impressionable and very vulnerable. The determining factor in whether or not a bad choice turns into a situation that gets better or worse depends largely on your response. Your goal should be to help the child redeem these situations by turning a mistake into an opportunity for the them to become a more Godly and Christlike person. Don’t ever write off any child as hopeless or irredeemable. Rather, treat her as you know your heavenly Father treats you – regularly! – when you are the offending party.
Conversations surrounding sex are complex.
Finding the right words, scripture, moment and clarity to effectively communicate your values in a world that is quickly changing can be difficult and it can cause you to freeze up and do nothing. But recognizing this truth will help you as you prepare to enter into this dialogue. You may not know the answers to the questions your children ask…and that is absolutely okay. One of the best things you can say to your son or daughter is “I don’t know but let’s find out together!” Make these conversations an opportunity to enter into the messiness of all this and point to God’s good plan for sex and sexuality.
First, protect what you can! There are elements in your son or daughters world that you can help eliminate. Parental controls on computers and phones can help prevent exposure to pornography. Setting tech boundaries will assist you in the ways you protect against unwanted content from making its way into your home. Also, look into signing a digital covenant with your children. This will help in developing healthy boundaries that lead to better understanding around the use of phones, tech, computers, and even TVs.
Second, recognize your response mattersin times of crises. Because your voice has an impact you need to put into place a rhythm that helps you respond to your children when they disobey or disappoint us. Some of these include, controlling your anger when they do something you don’t approve of and remembering to go after their heart, not their behavior. Use the times they make a mistake as opportunities to discuss God’s VERY GOOD intent for their lives.
Each of these will help you in this journey as you engage the complexity of sex in today’s culture. It might not be easy but we are thankful for parents that have willingly stepped into this journey and started a conversation that will positively impact your children’s lives.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around parenting and all the reasons you should be encouraged on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
This post appeared on Project Six19’s blog. Used by permission.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
This blog post was adapted from Episode 5 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
Just like our culture, the church also tells us many lies about sex. It’s important we say upfront that not every church is guilty of these and many no longer speak in the terms that we share below. However, we must be aware of each of them because they can have an impact on the way we engage, and ultimately, the way we share the message of sexual integrity with our children. It’s also important to remember that these lies, if not corrected, can actually strip away the authority we are trying to garner as parents.
We must be vigilant when it comes to any lie that either our culture or the church shares. Pointing back to the creation story and God’s ultimate plan as the sex-maker must always be our goal.
Lie #1: Having sex before marriage will make you feel horrible.
As someone that had sex from age 16 till 21, I (Jason) must say that it was full of pleasure. Did I, at times feel guilt? For sure. As a Christian, I believe the work of the Holy Spirit was convicting me of my actions. But it wasn’t until I was fully surrendered to Jesus that any of this began to change. This happened when I recommitted my life to the Lord, and I officially made the decision to start over. Although I’d heard one thing in the church, and knew something different by experience, I chose to continue growing in my faith.However, I’ve had several friends that made the opposite decision after having sex. For the longest time, they were told that if they had sex before marriage that they would regret it and definitely wouldn’t enjoy it. But you know what? They enjoyed it!And it wasn’t too long after when they began asking questions about their faith. They would say things like, “if I was told this was bad and that I wouldn’t enjoy it but I did…well, what else is the church lying to me about?” Yes, I know this can sound silly, but it does happen.
“When people aren’t hearing the truth about sex, they will seek answers somewhere else.” – Tweet this.
Adolescence is a period of life spent at the crossroads. It’s a time marked by overwhelming change, numerous questions, and searching for answers. But these crossroads are anything but quiet and desolate. Not sure which direction to take, our children and teens are presented with an abundance of confusing options and the noise can be deafening. Perhaps the signposts they choose to follow are the ones that are most attractive, loud, and convincing in response to their unspoken teenage cry of ”Show me the way!” This is why we need to be absolutely clear when we talk about sexual integrity.
Lie #2: Marriage will somehow solve all your problems.
Porn addiction…don’t worry marriage will solve it. Lusting over other individuals…don’t worry marriage will take it away. Singleness…well marriage will make life feel more complete. We can sometimes promise something about marriage that it was never intended to do. Remember, in scripture marriage is never a promise, it’s a possibility.
Further, I think we have a growing number of marriages built on feeling. Somewhere along the way, we’ve come to believe that the guide for all of our decisions, convictions, and priorities is our heart. “Follow your heart” we’re told, “and everything else will fall into place.” If it “feels right” or “feels good,” then “just do it.” The opposite is also true.
Our feelings will tell us what commitments to avoid or break. The fallout is severe as we grow up trusting feelings as the pathway to self-fulfillment. We all may know someone who has justified a decision to divorce by saying, “I just don’t feel like I love them anymore.”
Next, there’s our growing love affair with ourselves. Sociologist, Dr. Jean Twenge, studied the rapid rise of narcissism in our culture for the last few decades. She concludes that today’s children and teens are the most narcissistic generation. In his sermon series on marriage, Timothy Keller says that self-centeredness is the main problem and enemy of any marriage. Since marriage is about submission to another person, it’s no wonder that fewer and fewer young people are eagerly entering into or staying in a marriage.
Marriage doesn’t solve our problems. If anything it can shove them in our face. We need to be honest about marriage being a place where we are refined and grow in our walk with the Lord, and with our children.
Lie #3: Singleness is a plague.
Since so many of our children will potentially spend a great deal of time single, it is incredibly important that we talk honestly about this. We haven’t done this all that well in the past, as singleness is often either missed altogether or merely spoken of as a brief moment that passes before you marry. Since married people are the ones calling the shots in most churches, they also remain central to the life of the church. Meanwhile, single people are relegated to the margins. In fact, for every book written on singleness for Christians, another 298 are written for our married population.
We need to prepare our churches and our children for the time they will be single. One great way of doing this is by understanding (and communicating) the simple truth that we are all built for relationship. We are not meant to do life alone… relationship is literally built into our DNA. We need to communicate that living out God’s design for sex and relationship doesn’t happen in a bubble, and our homes and churches should be places where the lonely come to find community. Being single can be lonely… but the remedy, if there is such a thing this side of God’s plan, is to learn over and over again to do this: to recognize God’s presence embodied in the community of faith! May our homes be this space as well as our churches.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around ‘Lies The Church Tells About Sex’ on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
This post originally appeared on Project Six19’s blog. Used by permission.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
This blog post was adapted from Episode 4 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
There are several lies our culture communicates about sex. As a parent, you have the unique opportunity to help your children navigate the many lies they hear and set them on a path that points to God’s plan as the sex maker. But what are those lies?
Lie #1: Sex is only physical.
If this is the case, sex is merely casual and only there for our pleasure, nothing more. But this is a contradiction in terms. Sex – even sex that does not feel intense or meaningful, even sex with someone you don’t love – is never truly casual. Sex is a life-uniting act. Simple as that! This is why Jesus says “what God has joined together not let man separate!” in the gospel of Matthew. Often we can focus so much attention on the physical act of sex that we place a 100% of our energy on protecting against the physical consequences. But there are so many other consequences – emotional, social, spiritual, and even future consequences – all of which we’ve discussed in other blog posts.
Lie #2: Sex is the most important thing there is.
In a “do-anything,” hyper-sexualized world, we will do anything and everything as we allow our lives to revolve around the idol of sexuality. Honestly, we are surprised we’re not hearing more stories like this. I believe that over time and in the very near future, we will be hearing more and more stories as a generation of kids nurtured by a boundary-less and border-less ambient sexuality comes of age. Sadly, many of the stories will involve both victims and perpetrators who haven’t yet come of age. That’s called “age-compression.” Something the Center for Parent Youth Understanding (CPYU) always says, “culture is the soup that our kids swim and marinate in 24/7.” If that’s the case, we shouldn’t be surprised at how they are flavored. Is it possible that we might even be moving from a world where that which is “secret sin” becomes an “open celebration?” Then there’s the wildly mixed messages our culture sends to our developmentally vulnerable and easily influenced kids… things like “Go ahead and look at this!” but “Don’t you ever do this!” This is where so much of the difficulty comes in. Right is still right and wrong is still wrong… people are ultimately responsible for themselves and should be held accountable for their decisions and actions, regardless of what culture may or may not be saying at any particular moment. But we are not sure we can stand and point accusing fingers without any blame at all when we’ve been part of the horribly flawed nurturing process through commission or omission. Our culture is talking about sexuality. We need to do the same. And in doing so, we must redeem this horribly misunderstood and mis-used good gift of God!
Lie #3: Sex is no one else’s business.
Dale Kuehne, author of the book Sex and the iWorld,states that only three taboos around sex exist in today’s culture. Those include: “One may not criticize someone’s life choices or behavior, one may not behave in a manner that coerces or causes harm to others, and finally one may not engage in a sexual relationship with someone without his or her consent.” Outside of these taboos all other sexual acts are permissible. Historically though, sex has always been something that held a place in the public discourse. It is also why there were probably several other taboos up until recently.
For most of human history, people of many different cultures have agreed that societies must order certain forms of exchange in order to survive. Communities have ordered language, practices, and division of labor that are agreed upon. And sex, as mentioned by novelist Wendell Berry says, like any other necessary, precious, and volatile power that is commonly held, is everybody’s business. But over the last several decades this reality has faded and “what I do in my bedroom is my business…plain and simple.” However, throughout scripture sex is spoken of as relational and as part of something bigger than ourselves. Christians have to work hard to overcome the pervasive message that my sexual behavior is none of your business. Scripture tells us to intrude into one another’s lives because of the work of Jesus… and as a brother or sister we are called to speak lovingly to one another and transform seemingly private matters into communal matters. Teaching this to your son or daughter will be an important task.
Lie #4: We can’t control sex, but rather it controls us.
“We can’t control sex, it controls us” is one of the most widely accepted lies in our culture. It’s this rumor that’s caused us to believe that we are slaves to our sex drive, and has reduced humans to hormone-driven, sexually motivated creatures that teach our children that if we want it, we hunt it…we stalk it.In this, we treat people as objects that are nothing more than prey, animals or pieces of meat. Or we simply starve this appetite, all the while holding up the same degrading view of humanity. However, God’s design for His grand and glorious gift of sex is this. . . that it be indulged by one man and one woman within the context of an exclusive, monogamous, covenantal, life-long marriage. That’s it, plain and simple. Sex is something God made, gave to us, and enthusiastically declared “VERY Good!” But like everything else, we can go and mess it up. And when the Bible commands us to “flee from sexual immorality,” the word that it uses is porneia, which means “to practice prostitution, sexual immorality, or fornication.” In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul frequently used the word in reference to any kind of sinful and illegitimate sexual activity. Porneia is, in fact, the very thing from which followers of Jesus are commanded to “flee!”
Further, it’s by Gods grace we have everything we need to take charge of our sexual appetites by disciplining our mind, heart, and our body. And it doesn’t matter our relationship status. Because the very desires we are unable to control before marriage will be the very desires that haunt us after. That is unless we’ve taught ourselves how to come under the authority of the sex-maker.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around “Lies The Culture Tells Us About Sex” on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
This post originally appeared on Project Six19’s blog. Used by permission.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
This blog post was adapted from Episode 3 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
Conversations surrounding sex need to be good, true, and most importantly, point back to Christ. Sometimes though, it can be easy to think that sexual integrity just isn’t possible. Thankfully, new data suggests something is happening in this generation that is unique from any other generation… teens are choosing to wait for sex!
Only 44 percent of girls and 47 percent of boys between the ages of 15 and 19 had sexual intercourse at least once from 2011 to 2013. That’s down from 51 percent of girls and 60 percent of boys in 1988. Less than half of U.S. teenagers ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a rate dramatically lower than it was a quarter-century ago. This is good news. Youth are having less sex today than they were several years ago.
Even further, Practicing Christians (72%) are almost twice as likely as adults of no faith (38%) to say that choosing not to have sex outside marriage is a healthy choice. Women (56%) are more likely than men (43%) to hold this view. Compared to those who have never been married (41%), people who are married (53%) and, somewhat surprisingly, cohabitating adults (49%) are more likely to strongly agree with the statement!
So what does all of this mean? Sexual integrity is possible in today’s world. However, if we are going to see our kids follow God’s standards for sex, we must communicate to them the fact that sexual integrity is about more than just waiting.
Sexual integrity is about more than holding onto your virginity.
For too long, we’ve made waiting mainly about holding onto our virginity. However, the model this follows is flawed. It places virginity at the foundation. Thus, if we take away a person’s foundation (virginity) the house crumbles. When we are making our choice to wait without the inclusion of Christ, we do it on our own strength. Yes, you can white knuckle it and make it to your wedding day as a virgin, but is this the only thing God wants for you? There are plenty of people that wait to have sex but never glorify God with this gift.
When Christ is placed first, we center our life around Him. This is what makes sexual integrity possible! It’s not about a list of rules and regulations, it’s about what makes someone whole… and only Jesus Christ can make this a reality. What we do should come from our desire to walk in obedience, because He first loved us and teaches us what love is.
Sexual integrity allows sex to be about more than just the physical.
Yes, teens who choose to have sex risk doing great harm to their physical bodies. There are millions of teenagers in America who, thinking they were invulnerable and somehow immune, wind up with one or more sexually transmitted diseases or infections. Millions of others have gotten pregnant, and others have had abortions. Kids need to know that “safe sex” is a lie. Using a condom isn’t the answer to all of their fears.
But if we are to truly understand what it means to live with sexual integrity, we need to go beyond the physical. In fact, this only encompasses one part of what sex is as showed to us in scripture. When you read the text in Genesis it speaks of sex being relational, creating oneness and unity, and making it something that includes the mind, soul, and spirit.
Sexual integrity requires Jesus.
No matter the story told surrounding sex in our culture, the church should always be using this discussion to point back to Jesus Christ. If we are to have a generation that chooses to follow God’s design for sex in marriage, then it needs to be about something much greater. It needs to be about a relationship that we share with the creator of this gift. It needs to be about a love that compels another to wait, not simply because they believe this is right but because they are compelled by the love of Christ to treat their body as a temple that glorifies the Creator.
Finally, since this conversation requires Jesus, it also provides space for us to be forgiven for past mistakes, and allow shame to be replaced with grace. This conversation gives opportunity, no matter our past choices, to be forgiven and move forward in a direction that honors the plans God has for this wonderful thing called sex.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around whether or not sexual integrity is actually possible on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
This post originally appeared on Project Six19’s blog, here. Used by permission.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
My dad gave me The Talk in a Chinese restaurant when I was about 8 years old.
I was playing in a little league game and after our victory my dad took me to a Chinese restaurant and gave me The Talk. I have discovered that most of my students’ parents never gave them The Talk at all, and that breaks my heart.
Worse, many parents give such little preparation to their children that some experience sexual abuse and no one finds out until they’re in their 20’s and it finally explodes, all because their parents never opened up these channels of dialogue or created a space for their children to talk about these things. The girl in the article says she told no one because she didn’t even know what had happened, and no one asked her why she was acting differently.
If your role as a parent is to lead your kids into wisdom, to scaffold their transition into the real world, shouldn’t one of your most important duties be to explain the beauty of intimacy and the danger of unhealthy attachment? Danger doesn’t necessarily mean something is bad: Fire is both beautiful and dangerous.
Sex is beautiful and dangerous.
Like a stallion whinnying to run free, handing your child the reins involves built-up trust, and the willingness to say, “Wow! What a beauty! Be careful now. Control him and he will serve you well.”
I wonder if these parents think they’re doing their kids a favor by sheltering them from the dirty, dirty S-Word, and that their lives will be better if they never discover it.
The problem is, all kids will find out about sex. Parents are the ones who can decide how and when. If I ever have kids, I intend to get the first word in before the world has a chance to. When parents decide not to teach their kids about sex, the world is more than happy to.
I remember being in middle school at a friend’s house, watching MTV in his bedroom (which I was not allowed to do at home; nor could I, since we grew up cable-less). I vividly remember a commercial in which a famous rapper spoke directly to the camera: “Remember dudes, no matter how banging her body is, you gotta strap up. Don’t risk it.”
I recall seeing that commercial through the filter of the wisdom my parents had already implanted in me. My dad gave me that first talk over Egg Drop Soup, but many more followed it. There were check-ins and updates and open communication about sexuality. Because of my parents, I could see a commercial like that and interpret the message as worldly more than biblical (or true), even if I wouldn’t have used those words.
I can’t imagine how many others in my generation saw the same commercial but without the preparation. Perhaps that commercial was the closest thing they ever had to The Talk, so to them, the only sexual ethic was to not get or give an STD and you’re good.
Strap up and you’ve done the right thing. Simple.
I was recently talking to someone about this and he said his parents never gave him the talk either. He’s my age.
“Why is it,” I asked, “that some parents don’t give that talk to their kids? If I ever have children, we’re going to be talking about it constantly!”
“Simple,” he said. “Shame. Their parents probably didn’t give them the talk, so the idea of bringing it up to their kids seems terrifying. Or they have some sort of trauma or sexual wound, so talking about it with their kids would be incredibly painful. So they just don’t.”
But you know what happens when those children grow up and pass through puberty with the internet as their primary sexual education? They go out and create their own sexual wounds, passing them down to their own children. The cycle continues from generation to generation as long as parents live by fear more than wisdom and love for their children.
If it seems like I’m being especially hard on such parents, it’s because I am. After being a youth pastor for three years, and now a teacher for one, I have seen that the majority of parents are failing. Whether they are drug addicts, abusive, apathetic, or simply not trying very hard, I have developed a thin patience for parents who don’t care for their own children. Sure, they all say they do, but where is the evidence?
It’s easy to tell when a student has loving parents. Not only are they far more well-behaved, but they seem to operate from a sort of comfortable confidence which can only come from a place of having received love. But when they don’t receive rich, quality love at home, and their sex education is Xzibit telling them to strap up (or worse: pornography), where do you think they’ll turn to find that love?
For this reason, I adamantly place “The Talk” with your children under the umbrella of loving them. You can’t say you love them and then shrug and say ‘they’ll figure it out for themselves.’
In the film Lady Bird, when the eponymous protagonist asks her mother about sex, her mom reluctantly shivers and falls silent. She wiggles her way out of the conversation as quickly as possible and as you can guess, the high schooler ends up losing her virginity to a jerk. “You’ll have plenty of un-special sex in your life,” he tells her immediately after revealing that she wasn’t, actually, his first.
Is this really what we want for our kids? To be throwing their bodies around to a plethora of suitors who may not even see them as special? Perhaps a scarier question to ask is, do most parents even care enough about the bodies and souls of their children to prepare them for these situations?
Teach your kids or the world will teach them.
Love your kids or the world will love them—and this love is hollow, foolish and destructive.
e
The original version of this article appeared on Ethan’s Blog on April 27, 2019. Used by permission.
I’m Ethan & I love Jesus as much as my little heart allows. I’m an artist, traveler, and the Lord often speaks to me in poems. I’m a personal trainer, youth pastor and photographer. I graduated from Moody and now live in Colorado. Come check out my blog at www.ethanrenoe.com.
I cannot count the number of worship services I’ve stood through unmoved. Others around me would be weeping, dancing, or shouting their passionate cries to the Lord while I stood in the midst of it wishing I felt something.
Anything.
The Catechism states that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, but most of the time, if I’m honest, there has been little to no enjoyment of Him. In fact, in the midst of my addiction to pornography, there was often no enjoyment of anything at all.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, and how exactly I want to say this. Because what I have found to be one of the absolute worst effects of porn is that it numbs me to reality. To the good and the bad. It files down the sharpened points of agony when suffering comes into my life, but it also curtails the heights of joy when there is reason to rejoice.
I feel like men and women turn to porn because something is lacking in their lives. They want to escape the bad and painful bits, but end up escaping the good too.
Sometimes it would be so that I could not enjoy sunsets or hikes in the mountains or board games with friends or sitting by the sea or any of the small things that simply enrich our lives because my mind was elsewhere.
It was as if the volume was turned down on reality.
It’s similar to the way C.S. Lewis described grief:
“At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.”
I didn’t cry for seven years.
Not because I resisted it by any means. The tears just never came. My wells were empty. My emotions had evaporated.
I even wonder, in the throes of my addiction, if a family member or dear friend were to die, if I would have cried. Or if I’d be the one at the funeral, sitting stoically silent, my face dry as the western plains.
Addiction is that powerful.
Even a ‘non-chemical’ addiction such as pornography has the ability to rewire our brains to the extent that we don’t feel. (And of course, any learned person knows that there are plenty of neuro-chemicals involved in a pornography addiction.)
In David’s great psalm of repentance after he had committed adultery with Bathsheba, Psalm 51, he continually calls for God to return and awaken emotion within him. He prays, “Let me hear joy and gladness…Restore to me the joy of your salvation.” Part of repentance is returning to a delight in the Lord; it is also mourning the places we have grieved Him.
When I look at the person of Jesus, I see the polar opposite of numbness. I see someone who was entirely alive to His emotions, the full spectrum. I see a man who wept at the passing of his dear friend. In the Christian world, I often hear the verse thrown around as a bit of trivia: Do you know the shortest verse in the Bible?
Jesus wept.
Do we ever take time to think about the implications of these two words?
God wept.
God…..cries.
If we are to be like Jesus, then we are to be alive to our emotions.
Seeking to escape the hard times and numb the pain is not what God wants in us. The enemy may lure us in with the promise of a pain-free life, but what ends up happening is reality becomes dimmed.
To be like God is to embrace the reality around us with the emotions He has wired into us, not to escape it. I picture Jesus on the mountain, crying out to the Father for guidance. I see Him in the temple courts, fiery with rage at injustice. And there He is in the garden, nervous and terrified of the suffering He is about to go through.
And as He hangs on the cross, shattered and dying, He is offered a drink to ease the pain. This cocktail was designed to reduce the agony of those suffering torture, so they could slip into death with some amount of comfort.
But He turned it down.
Jesus refused to partake in anything that would reduce His experience, the good and the bad, in life and in death.
Saint Irenaeus said that “the glory of God is man fully alive.”
Jesus was fully alive. From the moment he emerged from Mary’s womb til’ the blood dripped from His toes onto the dirt beneath the cross, I see a man who embraced every ounce of His life, and continues to from His place on high.
To embrace pornography is to escape life.
So let us cling to Jesus. Let us cling to the One who gives to each of us life, and life to the fullest.
e
A version of this article appeared on Ethan’s Blog on February 29, 2016. Used by permission.
I’m Ethan & I love Jesus as much as my little heart allows. I’m an artist, traveler, and the Lord often speaks to me in poems. I’m a personal trainer, youth pastor and photographer. I graduated from Moody and now live in Colorado. Come check out my blog at www.ethanrenoe.com.
This blog post was adapted from Episode 2 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
You and I have been written into a wonderful story. God’s story is one that includes Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration. However, our conversations surrounding sex usually only focus on the second and third parts of the story, Fall and Redemption.
If we only engage these two parts, we see ourselves and others first and foremost as sinners, and the central focus is on our state of sinfulness and our acts of sin. Our job then becomes primarily about cleaning and fixing individuals, and our goal becomes modifying behavior rather than changing the heart, which ultimately leads to repentance. If we do not experience a change of heart, then the gospel of Jesus Christ becomes nothing more than rules and regulations.
Another unfortunate side-effect of telling this partial version of God’s story is the fact that it can cause us to only see sex as sinful, and not a gift to be celebrated within God’s grand design for sex, as the sex-maker.
However, if we instead engage in the whole story, starting in Creation, we see people (and ourselves) as first and foremost created in the image of God. This means all people have innate, Godlike beauty and dignity because they all, in their own unique way, reenact something of their Creator.
Putting the image of God before anything else places greater emphasis on truths about who we are and who were are created to be. At this point, we are able to see in this beautiful sphere of life that sex is to be protected within the place it was intended, marriage.
One more food for thought. We’ll call it the dessert. The reason we start with Creation is that this is the point where sex first enters the picture. We were sexual before we were sinful! So what we do with it matters.
For too long, the model given to us has been built more on rules and regulations than walking with integrity. When our goal becomes primarily waiting and holding onto our virginity, we can easily choose to not include Jesus – which means we do it on our own strength.
The model in scripture places Jesus at the center, and our lives revolve around Him. This is what makes living with sexual integrity – waiting – possible! Jesus is the one person that can make us whole, and taking hold of true life happens when we walk in obedience to Him.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around us being sexual before we were sinful on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
Setting The Stage For Talking About Sexual Integrity With Your Kids
This blog post was adapted from Episode 2 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
This generation is going to have to wait longer than any other if they choose to follow God’s standards for sex. For almost two thousand years young people only waited one or two years from the time of puberty (physical changes communicating readiness to create life) until they married. Today, because of nutrition and other factors, the onset of puberty is generally younger and most young adults are waiting until their late 20’s to marry. This means that if they are going to follow God’s standards for sex they might wait as long as 15 years (or more) from the time their body is ready for sex until they marry.
That is a long time!
This is why our message must resonate in ways that transcend rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, terms like purity and abstinence can be ripe with analogies that, if we are not careful, can cause harm. For example, Elizabeth Smart, the young woman who was kidnapped and held captive for nine months in 2002 near her home in Salt Lake City, UT, offered a similar thought, “I remember in school one time, I had a teacher who was talking about, well… about abstinence. And she said, ‘Imagine that you’re a stick of gum, and when you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed. And then if you do that lots of times, you’re going to become an old piece of gum, and who’s going to want you after that?’ For me, I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum. Nobody re-chews a piece of gum. You throw it away.’” Metaphors make a difference. They communicate meaning and significance; therefore, we must be careful in how they are used. Ms. Smart’s response to the abstinence and purity message rejects the following reality:
God is concerned with the heart.
Virginity, if not spoken of in the appropriate context, can be a source of pride rather than an opportunity to glorify the Creator. Virginity, as a stand-alone virtue, is not the opposite of sexual promiscuity – sexual integrity is.
Sexual integrity requires something more than self-willed behavior; it requires turning to the Lord with all our hearts and being empowered by the Holy Spirit to obey. Our identity in scripture is not found in our good works (like saving our virginity), but in the One in whom we find TRUE life, Jesus Christ. If we make a mistake (sin), our identity is not stolen from us because this identity is not based on what we do, but what has already been done.
There are always several challenges to talking about sexual integrity, but here are four thoughts to remember as you prepare to share with your children:
Recognize the truth found in Scripture
This is not a topic from which God hides. Over and over again Scripture highlights four key aspects about sex. First, we are meant for relationship with our Creator and with others (in that order). Second, we need to recognize that God is the sex maker. He created this wonderful act. Third, God gave us our sexual desire. That is why we need to talk about this with our youth – we are all sexually tempted. Finally, God created a time and place for us to enjoy sex; in marriage. This is repeated over and over again in Scripture (e.g. Genesis, Proverbs, Hebrews, and the list goes on).
Your voice DOES matter
Study after study shows that it’s not a teens peers who have the most in influence in their life. It’s YOU! Although that is not always what we hear or think, a parent’s voice is the most important. Sometimes we can underestimate the influence our voice has in a teen’s life because of the rolling of the eyes or their turning away while we are talking. However, what you say and how you live matters! Use your words and actions wisely because your kids are watching and listening.
Talking about sex doesn’t need to be a BIG talk
Discussing sexual integrity is more of a process than a confrontation. Remember that many of your children’s expectations surrounding sex will come from many of the other values you communicate every single day. Making sure your kids know you care and are there to answer any questions they might have will encourage them to approach you when they do have questions about sex. It is inevitable that your kids will hear from some other kid about sex. So, you need to be constantly talking with your kids and help separate fact from fiction. Which leads to our last thought…
You need to become the authority for all conversations surrounding sex in your child’s life!
Put another way – you need to be google to your kids. This means getting to your kids first. Your kids are going to hear about sex at some point. It’s important you talk to them early and tell them the truth – BEFORE they receive information from other places. This starts at a young age by identifying anatomy the same way they will learn in school. This continues all the way through the adolescent years.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around ‘Setting The Stage for Talking About Sexual Integrity With Your Kids’ on our podcast, DriveTime. Available now where ever you get your podcasts.
This post originally appeared on Project Six19’s blog, here. Used by permission.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
Foundations For Discussing Biblical Sexuality In Your Home
This blog post was adapted from Episode 1 of Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime.
One of the most difficult conversations that can happen in the home is on the topic of sex and sexuality. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Unfortunately, it has been shown through several studies that the more religious a family is, the less likely they are to talk about sex and share their own values. This simply shouldn’t be the reality, but it is.
So where do you start?
The Apostle Paul’s words in I Corinthians 6:18 (NIV), “Flee from sexual immorality,” conjure in my mind images of a person running out of and away from a burning building in an effort to not only avoid danger, but to save their own life. These are timely words for today’s children and teens. Too many are staying in the sexual inferno as the building (or their emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual health) burns to the ground. But we must do more than tell them to “RUN!” We must tell them why. Kids should avoid premarital sexual activity not because we said so, but because there are several good reasons to do so. Scripture also gives us many tools.
The overarching story of scripture tells us a ton about God’s grand design for sex as the sex-maker. Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration all hold important truths about sex. Did you know we were sexual before we were sinful? Remember Genesis 1 and 2, which Jesus speaks to later, comes before Genesis 3 when sin becomes a reality.
When we start with Genesis 1 and 2 we find God’s beautiful intent for sex. We learn about unity and oneness. We also learn about desire and pleasure. We cannot deny or forget that sexual desire and curiosity is a good thing that we should expect to exist in all humanity. God is the sexual gift giver, and we are the recipients of this good and wonderful gift. Sadly, the church has failed miserably to communicate this reality. Failing to see how our sexuality was made by God right at the start, woven in and through us, and given to us as a gift for our flourishing. We not only fail to communicate good theology, but our silence and uneasiness with things sexual communicates a horribly flawed theology of our sexuality which leaves young and old alike scrambling to figure out how to understand and live out these powerful drives and desires.
Our silence communicates that sex and sexuality is shameful.
God’s gift of sexuality is meant to bring glory to Him and not distract or take away from Him. I think God’s story reveals His desire for sex to be unifying and bring oneness like we read in Genesis 2:24 “the two will become one flesh”. We also know that sex is more than just physical. It is about the mind, body, and soul coming together in such a way that we are known. In Genesis 4:1, it says “Adam knew Eve”. Notice that it doesn’t say Adam had sex with Eve. Rather it says he knew her. Being known is a part of sex and this can only truly happen in the act of marriage.
Teens who are sexually active often feel used. We shouldn’t be surprised at the emptiness that follows a premarital sexual encounter or the ending of a long-term relationship. God created intercourse to serve as a total expression of the lifelong commitment of marital love between one man and one woman. Take away the lifelong part, the commitment, or the love, and sex becomes empty, cheap, and purely mechanical.
This is why marriage is shared as the place where we are to practice, experiment, and engage in the act of sex. Over and over again scripture points to marriage being the place where sex takes place. And why? Because it is for our protection. Only in marriage can we truly be known. It is a place that allows the beautiful force of sex to be fully expressed. Pleasure…procreation…and desire can all be expressed freely.
Finally, we must recognize all people are horribly broken. Our sexuality is broken too. Yes, we need a robust and realistic theology of sin. When we understand human depravity, we will not be surprised by revelations of sexual sin. Perhaps even more important, a robust and realistic theology of sin should leave us looking inward with great fear and trembling. It will also prepare us for the time that our children make mistakes and we choose to not parent out of anger but rather go after their heart. We must be helping our children…and ourselves…to constantly be cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ and this comes from knowledge of the bigger story in which we all live.
DriveTime is a tool for you as a parent to get equipped, so you can better engage the world your son or daughter inhabits.
Check out further discussions around ‘Raising Up Youth Who Believe in Sexual Integrity’ on Project Six19’s podcast, DriveTime. Available now wherever you get your podcasts.
This post originally appeared on Project Six19’s blog, here. Used by permission.
Walt Mueller is the founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and has been working with young people and families for over 35 years.
Jason Soucinek is the Executive Director and founder of Project Six19. Dedicated to talking honestly about matters of sex, sexuality and relationships. Jason has spent more than a decade engaging audiences of all ages and backgrounds.
3 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR KID FROM BECOMING A TEEN PARENT
Of all the dreams we have for our children, becoming teen parents isn’t one of them.
In today’s highly sexualized culture where teen moms get their own TV shows and sex tapes are the road to fame, how do we help our children navigate a different path?
Here are three tips for you as a parent to implement today that will go a long way towards helping your child make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.
Admit You Don’t Know Everything
As parents, it can be intimidating to talk to our kids about sex, dating and relationships because we fear we don’t know enough to be able to answer all their questions.
Here’s a little secret: your kids don’t expect you to know anything, so already you’re ahead of the game.
When your child asks you a question about sex that you don’t have an answer for, consider it a great opportunity to find those answers together, teaching your son or daughter how to discern good sources from the less reputable or even dangerous. By admitting that we at times don’t have all the answers, we actually make ourselves more approachable.
Talk!
Having mentioned sex to your kids once or twice is not sufficient. You know from experience that anything you want to teach them has to be reiterated and reinforced over and over and over again. Your values about healthy dating and relationships need to be spoken often, from a number of angles.
Gone are the days of “The Talk” where you started with the birds and the bees and ended with, “Just say no.” The most effective, and enjoyable, way of communicating with your kids is going to be through the multiple conversationsyou have on the way to the grocery store, while watching TV, after school, or during one-on-one parent/child outings.
Use the teachable moments around you (thank you Hollywood and Facebook) to effortlessly start a conversation that fits right in with where your kids are at and what is most relevant in their lives.
Eight out of 10 teens say they would have an easier time avoiding early sexual activity and teen pregnancy if they could have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.
Be encouraged. Your kids want for you to discuss sex with themand they need for you to, so don’t be afraid to take the first halting steps.
Perfect the Art of Listening
Once your kids realize this is a conversation that you’re open to discussing with them, chances are they’ll actually start talking. It may be a flood of words, some timid steps towards broaching the subject, or just the occasional comment when they come up for air from their iPhone.
At some point, every child is going to ask a question or make a statement that is going to shock you.
This is your moment, Mom and/or Dad.
Internally, you are allowed to have a mini heart attack. “Did my child really just say that?” They may be testing you to see how you’ll react or asking simply because they’re are curious and don’t know who else to ask.
How you respond will determine whether or not they come to you again in the future to talk about sex.
Read that carefully. You have one chance to respond in a way that communicates that you are a safe placefor your son or daughter to bring their questions, that you are sincere when you say they can talk to you about anything. Your body language, your tone of voice, and of course your words, will all have an impact.
When your child starts opening up, put away your cell phone, listen with your whole body, and get ready for some eye-opening, heart-racing conversations.
If you need a little help along the way, I’ve written a book called The Sex Talk: A Survival Guide for Parents, that will give you a more in-depth look at what you should be covering and how you can talk about healthy dating and sexuality in a way that will actually stick. Consider it your primer to mastering the sex talk.
A native of Spokane, Joanna (Repsold) Hyatt has spoken to thousands of teens on healthy relationships and sexuality and has authored The Sex Talk: A Survival Guide for Parents. She is currently the Director of Strategic Partnerships at Live Action, a national non-profit that educates on abortion and the humanity of the pre-born.
At the risk of incurring the wrath of Disney, and every little girl who has grown up loving Princess stories, I think it’s time we adults take a drastic step:
We need to kill off Prince Charming and Cinderella.
I’ll admit my own little girl will be growing up watching every Disney classic I can get my hands on. She’ll probably play with dolls, hold imaginary tea parties with her dad, and wear princess dresses until I have to peel them off of her.
The problem isn’t with the princess stories or the dreams and fantasies they inspire when we’re young. Those stories are meant to teach us lessons of valor, chivalry, the struggle to find a love worth fighting for, and how to discern between the real princess and the witch masked by a spell.
The problem is that while we’ve stopped playing dress-up with dolls and plastic swords, we’re still living in a land of make-believe and fantasy.
As we grow up, we replace the Disney movies with Hollywood romance movies that continue to reinforce the message that love must be perfect in order to be real. If you’re not instantly swept off your feet, madly in love every day, and skipping through life with a gorgeous specimen of a human being beside you, then you simply haven’t found ‘it.’
We expect to marry Prince Charming or Cinderella in all their Disney perfection, looking for a spouse that can be our soul mate, our perfect match, the answer to all of our problem.
When we encounter struggle in the relationship, have to face conflict or are asked to be vulnerable, we instead cut and run. It’s uncomfortable showing our imperfections and we certainly don’t want to be reminded that other people are imperfect.
Rather than kill off our expectation of Prince Charming or Cinderella in the hopes of finding a real relationship, we hold on tight to our fairy tale, bemoaning that all the “good ones” have already been taken.
The irony is that we’re also incredibly skeptical.
We’ve watched so many marriages fall apart that we struggle to fully believe ours could be different, that we don’t have to live the same storyline as our parents. We wonder how we’ll ever find love in this broken world.
Could it be that our impossible expectations are a means of protecting ourselves, a defense mechanism designed to keep us from having to face our fear of a failed relationship?
We decide it’s better to never have loved at all than to have loved and lost. We want so desperately to find that life-long partner, to experience marriage at its best, but can’t shake the fear of enduring marriage at its worst, of waking up next to someone one day a little less excited than when we first met them.
Relationships, especially marriage, go through cycles. Some days are better than others, some more exciting, more joyful, more full of romance. Others are filled with the monotony of life, with battling together and against one another, of overcoming disappointment and letting go of expectations.
The good is made better and the bad less bitter when we’re able to share it with someone. Even if that someone is as imperfect and confused as we are.
It’s time to dump Prince Charming and Cinderella in order to find the authentic, gloriously difficult, life-changing love we seek.
It’s time to let go of what we think we want for what we need.
The stunning reality is that in doing so, we usually find ourselves living a story better than anything Hollywood could have written.
A version of this post originally appeared on Joanna’s Blog on June 5th, 2013. Used by permission.
A native of Spokane, Joanna (Repsold) Hyatt has spoken to thousands of teens on healthy relationships and sexuality and has authored The Sex Talk: A Survival Guide for Parents. She is currently the Director of Strategic Partnerships at Live Action, a national non-profit that educates on abortion and the humanity of the pre-born.
As a post-grad, I spent a couple of years in cubicle world working at an insurance agency. My first position there was as their front desk receptionist, and it was my job to transfer calls and manage the mail room. One day, while putting together the Second Day Air UPS envelopes, I missed inserting the address sleeve into the clear plastic cover of one of the packages. A few days later, an agent in our office asked me to track that particular package, and the blood drained from my face when I realized that the shipping barcode had never been generated. Come to find out, it was extremely precious cargo. Inside the destination-less envelope was an annuity check for six figures. Without a timely arrival, the agent lost the client and the hefty commission on the account. To this day, I still feel a hint of that pit in my stomach when I think about that mistake that didn’t just affect me, but someone else’s livelihood!
I say all this because I think that a lot of dating relationships resemble that envelope. You’ve been dating for a little while, but no actual intention has been established. And yet, the more time you spend together, the more the physical side of the relationship escalates. In essence, the plane has taken off before the flight path has been confirmed. I think most Christians would agree that boyfriends don’t get marriage privileges (at least in theory), but I submit to you that friends and dates shouldn’t get boyfriend privileges, either.
True pursuit acknowledges the preciousness of what’s being pursued and is careful to match the pace of a relationship with the definitions. Are you friends who happen to like each other? Great! Don’t let your “friend” treat you like a girlfriend until he’s made that public commitment. Are you dating and “figuring things out”? Awesome! Don’t be pressured to give in to any kind of intimacy that doesn’t belong in that stage. You run the risk of being strung along in a relationship that begins to resemble a cardboard container that doesn’t value its contents.
Now, here’s where gray areas emerge and you need help from the Holy Spirit. What are good physical boundaries for dating? I can’t decide that for you. And I can’t do justice to the subject in a short blog post. But, I will say that it shouldn’t be anything you’d regret if the relationship doesn’t end up going anywhere, and it needs to be firmly established with accountability long before Mr. Potential shows up. Don’t decide as you go, because I guarantee that you will underestimate the power of the cloudy, smoky rave that parties in your frontal cortex at the onset of a blossoming relationship.
Some of you ladies have already sensed the truth in what I’m about to say through personal experience. One of the most devastating realizations for a woman is when she knows she’s being pursued more for her body than for her heart. Because deep down, all anyone wants is to be fully known and then fully loved. And if someone simply doesn’t see the value in pursuing what’s on the inside, we feel reduced to any other cheap envelope without a unique tracking number. I have friends who are pre-marital counselors and they have said that 90% of the time, when couples come to them with relational difficulties, it always stems from pushing the physical boundaries too far early on in their relationship.
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Disclaimer:God’s grace covers past relationships and even ones you are currently in. It’s never too late to stand up for your value and set new boundaries. If your lines force an exit, good riddance! He’s not where he needs to be to pursue you in love and protect you in truth. If you feel like, after setting those boundaries, he’s always looking for ways to cross them, you need to think and pray seriously about your next steps. I believe that each stage in any relationship is a training ground for the next. And respect is a muscle. If he doesn’t flex it now, how will that lack of cardio show up in future situations when the stakes are higher?
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At the end of the day, you, my friend, are a daughter of the King of the Universe. You were bought with a price much greater than 6 figures- the price of His Son, Jesus. And you are clothed in His righteousness so that you won’t step back in the mud but instead, see clearly the path of real, God-honoring, Kingdom work. I truly believe that if you recognize your worth as His image-bearer and your position in his reign, you wouldn’t need to read this article or learn from the tough pill of regret. You would have everything you need to make wise dating decisions.
Love,
R
A version of this post originally appeared on Not Singled Out on December 16, 2018. Used by permission.
Rachelle Windham – I am a redeemed follower of Jesus Christ, and I desire to spend my time on earth using any gifts, passions, strengths, and even weaknesses to serve Him. I am especially passionate about Biblical singleness, discipling younger women, seeing God’s power and creativity in studying His world, and approaching each new season of life with Christ in a sense of ADVENTURE! You can find more of her writing at: www.notsingledout.com.
Church can be a tough place for single people. Most Christians don’t realize it, unless they’re single, but if you step back and look at our Christian culture, you’ll see that we elevate marriage. In some cases, we idolize it. We see a beautiful girl and we say, “What a catch!” We see a handsome man and say, “He’ll sure make a wonderful spouse someday.”
If they’re still not married by the age of 30, we think something’s wrong, or perhaps they’re too picky. “Why aren’t they married yet?” This is code for: Something must be wrong with you. If you were living out your full potential and making all the right choices, you’d be married by now.
Parents especially can put undue (and unbiblical) pressure on their kids if they don’t get married and have kids. You have to wonder whether parents are actually thinking about what’s best for their kids, or just wanting what’s best for themselves—i.e. grandkids.
Singleness is rarely viewed in positive light in American Christianity, even though it’s extolled in the New Testament.
Singleness in the Bible
In the Old Testament, most people got married, had kids and passed on their inheritance to their children, who in turn passed it on to their children. Laws were even set up to ensure that one’s family name was passed on through a male heir (Deuteronomy 25:5-10, Ruth 4:7). It was assumed that people would get married and start a family. It wasn’t a sin not to. But it was sort of expected.
Things changed in the New Testament, however. Jesus reconfigured the Old Testament’s emphasis on family when he recognized all Christians as brothers and sisters: “Who are my mother and my brothers?” Jesus asked. “Whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:33, 35; Matthew 12:48-50). After Peter praises himself for leaving everything, Jesus responds:
Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and bothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands. (Mark 10:29-30)
Discipleship might cost you your family. Yet becoming a disciple means you gain a new family of believers who are your brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers in Christ.
Jesus considers all believers—not just married folk—to be family. We’re not kind of like a family. We are family.
The apostle Paul almost downplays marriage in light of the beautiful prospect of singleness. “If you do marry, you have not sinned … Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Marriage isn’t wrong, but Paul clearly preferred the single life. “He who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better” (1 Corinthians 7:38).
And, of course, John the Baptist and Jesus were unmarried men of marital age—a shocking sight to a first-century Jewish world. Perhaps they were just picky. If they could just pray a little harder, God would bless them with a fine woman.
Singleness in the American Evangelical Church
I wonder if the American evangelical church has it all backward. Instead of viewing singleness as a pitiful stage to get through on your way to married life, we should elevate and honor the single people in our midst as those who, in Paul’s words, “will do even better.”
Much of this anti-singleness message saturates the air of our churches, sometimes with words, other times with actions. The message is usually it is subtle and unintended. But single people hear it loud and clear: You’re incomplete until you get married and have at least two kids. (But if you have more than four, then people think you’re weird again.)
Just ask any post-college single person at your church how they feel. Ask them if they feel like they are valued, honored, respected, loved and invited into the lives and homes of other families of the church. Ask them if they are ever made to feel incomplete by off-handed comments (“Why aren’t you married yet?”) or sermon illustrations that always draw from parenting. Ask them how they felt on the weekend that the church was away at Family Camp.
The fact is, marriage is a small blip in our existence. We’re all born single and called to steward our singleness for the first 20-30 years of our life. Many people will be called out of singleness and into marriage and then called to steward their marriage to the glory of God. But us married folks will be single again, in this life, whether through divorce or death of our spouse. And then we’ll spend eternity with God as single persons once again.
But we won’t actually be single. We’ll be one with our Creator; married, if you will, to God.
Some Christians have bought into the cultural narrative that you can’t really thrive unless you’re married and having lots and lots of sex. But Christianity doesn’t teach this. Christians can live without sex, but we can’t live without love and intimacy. And there’s a difference. Human flourishing doesn’t depend on marriage and it certainly doesn’t depend on sex.
Marriage brings with it its own temptations and trials, frustration and other problems that married people don’t often admit. To think that marriage will end your loneliness and take care of your sexual frustrations is a myth. Many married people wish they weren’t and the “majority of people struggling with sexual addictions and compulsive online habits are married men.”
The fact is that we are relationally and sexually messed up. And only Jesus, not marriage, can fix that. Jesus—the one who was single and the embodiment of human flourishing and joy.
Dr. Preston Sprinkle has authored several books, including the New York Times bestselling Erasing Hell(with Francis Chan; 2011), Fight; A Christian Case for Nonviolence(David C. Cook, 2013), Paul and Judaism Revisited(IVP, 2013), Charis: God’s Scandalous Grace for Us(David C. Cook, 2014), and the recently released People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue(Zondervan, 2015), and the newest Grace//Truth 1.0: Five Conversations Every Thoughtful Christian Should Have About Faith, Sexuality & Gender (2017). Dr. Sprinkle also hosts a daily radio program titled: “Theology in the Raw?” and frequently speaks at various venues including college chapels, churches, music festivals, youth camps, family camps, and anywhere else where people desire to hear relevant Bible teaching. Preston has been married to Chrissy for 15 years and together they have 4 children.
I often get asked, “what’s the next discussion that Christians need to have about sexuality and gender?” My immediate answer is: “polyamory,” though the morality of sex with robotsis a close second.
Polyamory is often confused with polygamy, but they are actually quite different. For one, polygamy is a type of marriagewhile polyamory is not necessarily marital. Also, Polygamy almost always entails a man taking more than one wife, while polyamory is much more egalitarian. “Polyamory is open to any mixture of numbers and genders so it is just as common for a man to be in a relationship with several women as it is for a woman to be in lovewith several men,” writes Mike Hatcher.
Polyamory is also different from swinging or open relationships, though these do overlap. Open relationships are polyamorous, but not every polyamorous relationship is an open relationship. Sex and relationship therapist Renee Divine says: “An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexualrelationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, lovingrelationships with multiple people.” And that’s the key. Polyamory is not just about sex. It includes love, romance, and emotional commitment between more than 2 people.
For some Christians, polyamory seems so extreme and rare that there’s no need to talk about it. It’s wrong. It’s ridiculous. No need to defend why it’s wrong or think through pro-poly arguments. Just quote Genesis 2 and move on. But hopefully we’ve learned the hard way from our rather “late-to-the-discussion” approach with LGBTQ questions that it’s better to get ahead of the game and constructa view rather than just fall back into frantic reactive mode when the issue is in full bloom.
For other Christians, polyamory is only considered when being used in a “slippery slope” argument against same-sex relations—if we allow gay relationships, why not poly relationships? While I agree that the ethical logic used to defend same-sex relations cannot exclude poly relationships, merely using polyamory as a slippery slope argument is inadequate. We actually need to think through plural love, as it’s sometimes called, and do so in a gracious, thoughtful, and biblical manner.
Polyamory is much more common than some people think. According to one estimate“as many as 5 percent of Americans are currently in relationships involving consensual nonmonogamy” which is about the same as those who identify as LGBTQ. Another recent study, published in a peer reviewed journal, found that 1 in 5 Americans have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship at least some point in their life. Another survey showed that nearly 70% of non-religious Americans between the ages of 24-35 believe that consensual polyamory is okay—even if it’s not theircup of tea. What about church going folks of the same age? Roughly 24% said they were fine (Regnerus, Cheap Sex, 186).
Why would anyone engage in polyamory? Doesn’t it foster jealousy? Can these relationships really last? Aren’t children who grow up in poly families bound to face relational harm? These are all valid questions, ones which have been addressedby advocates of polyamory. At least one argument says that people pursue polyamorous relationships because it’s their sexual orientation. They really have no other valid option, they say. They’re not monogamously oriented. They’re poly.
I’ll never forget watching Dan Savage, a well-known sex columnist, swat the hornet’s nest when he made the audacious claim that “poly is not an orientation.” Savage is no bastion for conservative ideals, and he himself admitsto having 9 different extra-marital affairs with his husband’s consent. This is why it was fascinating to see him get chastised for making such an outlandish statement—that polyamory is not a sexual orientation.
Is there any merit to the claim that polyamory is a sexual orientation? It all depends on our understanding of sexual orientation. How do you define it? Measure it? Prove it? Disprove it? What exactly issexual orientation? (Stay tuned for a later blog on this.) It’s not as if we take a blood sample to determine whether somebody is gay, straight, or poly. Sexual orientation is much, much messier than most people realize.
Celebrities, of course, have suggested that polyamory is an orientation when they talk about monogamy being “unnatural,” or that some people are just wired for more love than one partner can provide. Pop culture isn’t the only advocate, though. Scholars are also starting to argue that polyamory should be considered a sexual orientation. As early as 2011, Ann Tweedy, Assistant Professor at Hamline University School of Law, wrote a lengthy 50-page articlein a peer reviewed journal where she argued that polyamory should be considered a sexual orientation. Tweedy writes: “polyamory shares some of the important attributes of sexual orientation as traditionally understood, so it makes conceptual sense for polyamory to be viewed as part of sexual orientation” (“Polyamory as a Sexual Orientation,” 1514).
The logic is familiar: Those who pursue polyamorous relationships can’t help it. It’s who they are. It’s how God has created them. And it would be wrong to pursue a relationship, like a monogamous one, that goes against their orientation.No, I’m not retorting to the age-old slippery slope argument (e.g. this is where gay relationships will lead). I’m simply summarizing a growing opinion expressed in both pop culture and academia.
Polyamory might be, as a Newsweek article suggested 10 years ago, “The Next Sexual Revolution.”And several of my pastor friends tell me that it’s becoming more common to have people who identify as poly asking about the church’s view on the matter and if they will be accepted and affirmed. These are not abstract questions, and yet the discussion is still young enough so that Christian pastors and leaders have some time to construct a robust, compassionate, thoughtful response to the question—“what’s your church’s stance on people who are poly?” Put more positively, we have time to construct a truly Christian vision for monogamy, if indeed that is the only truly Christian vision.
My purpose of this blog is to put this topic on your radar, not to answer all the questions that you might have. With that in view, here are a few more questions that Christian leaders should wrestle with:
What are the relevant biblical passages and themes that mandate monogamy for those who are called to marriage?
How would you respond to someone who says that Genesis 2, Matthew 19, Ephesians 5 and others are just a few “clobber passages” that are used to beat down poly people?
How do you know that “one man, one woman” statements in the Bible apply to contemporary poly relationships? Perhaps they only prohibit abusive, misogynistic polygamous relationships.
If God’s love for us is plural, and our love for (a Triune) God is plural, then why can’t human love for each other be plural?
Is polyamory a sexual orientation? Why, or why not?
And what is sexual orientation, and should it play a role in determining (or at least shaping) our sexual ethic?
Is it helpful to talk about poly people or should we talk about poly relationships? (And can you pinpoint the important difference?)
Since the Bible doesn’t explicitly condemn plural marriages that are polygamous (or does it?), could we say that monogamy is the ideal while still allowing for polyamorous relationships as less than ideal but still accepted in the church? Why, or why not?
If sexual expression is only permitted if it is faithful, consensual, and marital (which is what most Christians would say), then why can’t it be plural? That is, what is the moral logic that drives your view that monogamy is the only way? Is it just “God says so? Or is there some rationale why plural love is immoral?
Dr. Preston Sprinkle has authored several books, including the New York Times bestselling Erasing Hell(with Francis Chan; 2011), Fight; A Christian Case for Nonviolence(David C. Cook, 2013), Paul and Judaism Revisited(IVP, 2013), Charis: God’s Scandalous Grace for Us(David C. Cook, 2014), and the recently released People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue(Zondervan, 2015), and the newest Grace//Truth 1.0: Five Conversations Every Thoughtful Christian Should Have About Faith, Sexuality & Gender (2017). Dr. Sprinkle also hosts a daily radio program titled: “Theology in the Raw?” and frequently speaks at various venues including college chapels, churches, music festivals, youth camps, family camps, and anywhere else where people desire to hear relevant Bible teaching. Preston has been married to Chrissy for 15 years and together they have 4 children.
This is Part Two in Nathaniel Arroyo’s blog series, “Love, Love.” Read part one here.
When God created man, He said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and every non-married single person in the Church resounded with, “Have you forgotten about me, God?”
Being single and Christian can summon a kaleidoscope of emotions, thoughts, and various responses (did I just hear an amen?). In this cultural moment, our craving for intimacy is posted publicly in our status updates and Instagram posts. Could it be that we’ve allowed ourselves to believe that intimacy is best found in romantic and sexual relationships? While I can elaborate more on how we’ve developed a false binary scheme of the two, I really want to tackle singleness in the next 700 words. Our cultural understanding of singleness has led to a sense of loneliness that is only remedied in the communion of Christ.
Men and women are experiencing their first marriage, on average, between ages 27-30; this proves to be a significant departure from the median age for marriage in previous generations, when individuals would wed between the ages of 20-24. This fact alone may explain why your grandmother has been asking for great grandchildren. Christians are no exception, as this median age applies to those within the Church as well. For this reason, we have far more singles in the Church than at any other time in history. And while I don’t think it’s safe to call the rise of this median age a problem, I do think it proposes a different challenge for Christian singles. Love is harder to find today, and it begs the question worth answering:
Is “true love” available for singles?
Whether you’re single, dating, married, celibate, or “it’s complicated,” I hope you find solace and Christ in the following words.
Singleness isn’t a curse.
In fact, it’s a gift to receive joyfully. As reluctant I was to write the previous sentence, I can’t help but trust that it is true. Many grow up with the notion that marriage is the epitome of the Christian lifestyle; it’s the Creme Brûlée of Christian delicacies. I did not grow up in a Christian household, yet, growing up, there was an agreed notion in the air that marriage was one most substantial relationships to enter into. To find “the one” was to live your best life. Ideally, the dream would play out like this: the two of us would get married, teasingly argue about the number of kids we were to have and what their names would be, and drive off into every sunset we could find. This would be the relationship in which true love is found. This is where love would be enough. All I needed to do was endure my singleness.
How I wish that I understood sooner that singleness is a gift. There is real intimacy available to us singles that brings lasting joy and satisfaction; and it’s found in Jesus. Yes, the classic Sunday School answer is the remedy to loneliness (notice how I didn’t say singleness), but it’s far more in-depth than proclaiming Jesus as your boyfriend at your local Galentines. When I say Jesus is the pathway to intimacy, we need to understand what it means to bravely enter into a relationship with Him and what He offers.
When we enter into a relationship with Jesus, we enter into a relationship with True Love. God is love. Jesus is God. The logic follows. Yet, despite having a theological understanding of who God is and how He relates to us, we still find ourselves wrestling with loneliness. Our craving for intimacy still feels starved when we don’t experience physical acts of love. Tim Keller exposes our desire for intimacy in his book, “The Meaning Of Marriage:”
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
Trusting Keller’s wisdom, then, means being fully knownand truly lovedis already a reality because Jesus created you and He died for you.
I love how David, the Psalmist, puts it, “For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” God knows you. Your hands, feet, the curvature of your nose, the roundness of your shoulders, the hue of your iris — He knitted you together in your mother’s womb. You are fully known, and His love extends just as deep. John, one of Jesus’s apostles, records Jesus’s words as His imminent death is around the corner, and Jesus says this, “…Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus laid down His life for you. In bringing to fulfillment the redemption story, Jesus valued His relationship with you to the extent that He would do anything to make that relationship permanent… even if it meant giving up His own life.
There is nothing that can separate you from His love. Jesus is committed to you. He was purposefully single because of you. Jesus, our Bridegroom, looks at His bride, we the Church, and He marvels at her because He is the perfect husband. He did not commit to an earthly wife during His ministry. He sought union with us. He invited us to be one in Him just like in marriage when two flesh become one. His lack of an earthly marital status hinged upon His covenant relationship with His Bride.
Whether you like it or not, Christian, you have a husband, companion, helper, redeemer, lover, and savior in Jesus. There will be a day when you face your Bridegroom face-to-face. You are looking forward to, yet, mysteriously already in, the most intimate relationship you will ever experience.
Nathaniel Arroyo is a poet, photographer, and coffee aficionado located in Spokane, Washington. Being from Chicago, IL, he has a passion for the Church’s engagement with culture through mediums of art, community, and rich theology. He attended Moody Bible Institute – Spokane and studied Biblical Exposition.
You may or may not hear this often, but women struggle with porn.
Over the past few years, there has been a new wave of what some have called “mommy porn” across the world of entertainment with films as controversial as 50 Shades of Grey and as mainstream as Magic Mike XXL.
No matter what you call it, the truth is that this kind of entertainment is definitely not just geared toward “moms,” but rather, women in general. It’s a type of entertainment that’s typically loaded with sexual innuendo, scantily clad men and, in some cases, explicit sex scenes.
But the truth is, this type of over-sexualized entertainment is not just found in recent blockbusters, it’s been slowly seeping into popular books, television shows and even commercials for quite some time now.
What bothers me the most about this new movement is how little attention it seems to be receiving. In fact, we often sit back and take it in without even batting an eye. While I’m happy to say that the objectification of women is finally beginning to gain some attention and push back in our society, it seems that we’ve neglected the other side to the story. Women struggle with porn, too.
Even the Church at large has had a role in the double-standard by pushing sermons, messages and ministries encouraging men to deal with their lust, porn and sexual immorality.
But what about women?
Women Struggle With Porn
We often view porn and lust as a man’s issue, so we don’t typically challenge women as much about the things they think about and the ways they entertain themselves.
Whether man or woman, as human beings, we are all wired with natural emotions and a sexual appetite that can become unhealthy if we continue to feed it with junk. It’s important that we remember that lust is not just a male problem, and start realizing how our culture has played a role in this important conversation.
Women Struggle With Lust
While I can’t deny that men and women perceive and process the world differently, when we focus the entirety of the conversation about porn and lust on men, we not only ignore, but also isolate the many women who are also struggling. By making light of female lust issues we actually enable and encourage the problem instead of offering a place for help.
According an article by the American Psychological Association, various studies report that porn use ranges all the way up to 99 percent among men and up to 86 percent among women. The difference is much less than we tend to talk about.
I had a personal realization of this truth when I received a barrage of emails from women stuck in porn addiction after an article I posted on my blogabout the subject.
Maybe it’s time to recognize that we’re all prone to get lost in sin, yet we’re all given the opportunity to walk in freedom.
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“Protect Your Eyes” vs. “Explore Your Sensuality”
Often, we challenge men to protect their eyes all the while encouraging women to explore their sexuality and sensuality. We tend to “scold” and even look down on men who struggle with porn use and addiction, while women are praised for being “in tune” with their sexuality.
And stranger still, some of the same women who are offended at the thought of their spouses watching porn are just as quick to run out with their girlfriends to watch the latest sex-themed film or book club for that racy novel. It’s time to challenge one another to a higher standard, starting with looking inward and working to remove even a “hint of sexual immorality or any kind of impurity” from our own hearts and lives.
Objectifying Men
True, women tend to be objectified far more than men in our society. But that doesn’t justify objectifying men. Objectifying men is just as degrading and detrimental to our society as men objectifying women. As a society, we are quick to get up in arms when women are used as sexual objects in films and in marketing, and rightly so. It’s devastating to fearfully and wonderfully made, complex and capable human beings reduced to the shell of their bodies.
But shouldn’t it be just as devastating when we see it happening to both genders? If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll see that we tend to feel differently from one gender to another. It would do us all well to take a second look at our definition of “equality” and then apply that to the entertainment we allow ourselves to consume, learning to respect both genders in the process.
God’s Call to Holiness Has to Do With Each and Every One of Us
When we categorize sin into “gender specific” categories, we miss the mark. As children of God, we’re called to reflect Christ in the best way that we can—whether we happen to be male or female. Together, we portray to the world a clearer picture of who He is.
Whether we’re talking about lust, sexual struggles, or any other sin, let’s remember that the call to holiness applies to all. We shouldn’t shame one another about issues like porn—after all, the cure for any sort of sin is not shaming, it’s Christ—but we should talk about these issues with both genders. Because women struggle with porn, too. But too many of them are struggling alone.
Let’s challenge, encourage, and support one another in the Body of Christ as we take inventory of the things we’re allowing to enter our minds and influence our hearts.
How do you control your sex drive while you’re single? Check out the latest episode of the Love + Relationships Podcastwhere I answer this exact question!
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on September 20th, 2018. Used by permission.
“And you’re wondering why you felt like you weren’t good enough?” my friend Dave said. “You were literally conditioned to think that way!”
I had just finished telling Dave about an exercise I had been doing for a class on addiction in which I created a timeline of my life. In doing so, I realized that there was a lot of rejection in my younger years. Prior to college, nearly every girl I had been interested in either dumped me after a few weeks, or flat out rejected me from the start.
I hardly dated anyone after that.
It has taken me a while to freely admit it, but one of the deepest roots of my addiction to pornography has been this feeling that I’m not good enough for a real woman.
You see, in middle and high school, I was not the oxen of a man you see today. I was not the “Shirtless Wonder.”
I was a nerd.
A geek.
Whatever label you want to stick on the kid that moved a couple times, went to three high schools and two middle schools, and had a collection of 500 comic books. The kid who had every detail about Middle Earth memorized and longed to become Batman (truth be told, that’s part of the reason I started working out…I guess comic books were good for something.)
After a number of failed relationships (or whatever you call two 9thgraders going to a movie), I came to think that the problem was me. That I was the undesirable one.
So I worked to change it.
I chopped my Beatles-era haircut and hit the weights. I bought nicer clothes and dropped the Star Wars t-shirts. I did everything I could think of to change people’s perception of me into a man who was worthy of dating. The problem with these things is that they do nothing to heal the wounded heart of a man.
Dr. Dan Allender saysthat men today are broken hearted. “Not broken hearted as in sad or full of grief,” he writes. “Instead, we are broken into fragmented selves that are unable to do much other than posture and pretend we are someone whom we know we are not.”
At an early age, my heart was broken into a dozen different pieces. Some of these pieces ventured to the identity of a nerd while others worked at getting into better physical shape. Some tried to earn value in artistry, while other fragments delighted in being the class clown.
All of these “identities” were only parts of a shield, though. Like a turtle shell I could tuck into whenever someone looked my way, while the Real Ethan, the weird, eccentric, tender-hearted self stayed safe inside.
John Eldredge echoed this sentiment when he wrote,
This is every man’s deepest fear: to be exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an impostor, and not really a man…We are hiding, every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we were meant to be, desperately afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes. We hide in our office, at the gym, behind the newspaper and mostly behind our personality.
The sad thing is, most of us go on living like this and wondering why we feel so severed from our realself. Why there is no peace inside us. Why we feel splintered into so many pieces. Social media doesn’t help because we can look any way we want online.
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I maintained the charade for many many years until recently when I decided to do the tough work of examining myself and taking a good, hard, honest look in the mirror. It was like pulling a hermit crab from his protective shell: It was ugly and it snapped and fought like hell against being exposed, because the work of healing is not easy.
Several years ago, I was on the bus in Chicago with a Moody student who was an acquaintance of mine. He began sharing what the Lord was teaching him in that season, and the only part I remember was one line: “The Lord is teaching me that it’s okay to be weak, to be broken.”
I don’t think I’ve ever had so much respect for another human being in my life.
It’s as if he was standing before me as the bus tilted and rocked, holding his palms open to me saying Look, this is me. I’m not that cool. I’m hurt and broken. But God’s cool with that, and I’m learning to be cool with it too.
So I’m attempting to become like that too. It’s incredibly hard for a man to admit that he is weak and broken, but I think that is the first step in healing.
Because women don’t fall in love with how many pounds you can put up on the bench, or that sweet new shirt from H&M. They can’t even love the jokes you make or the intelligence stored in the folds of your brain.
People love other people, not the things they try to wrap around themselves as a disguise.
Learning this is hard, because ever since we got the boot from the Garden of Eden, we’ve been trying to cover ourselves up, trying to look better than we actually are.
Underneath all the fancy fig leaves and one-liners, we are all pretty ugly and weak, but that doesn’t mean we’re unworthy of love. God doesn’t stop chasing you because you woke up with bedhead, or you can’t curl a 5 pounder.
It’s hard to examine myself and see that there are a lot of things I don’t like about myself. But it’s even harder to accept that despite them, God still loves me. And hopefully, there’s a woman out there who will too. But living with a splintered heart and trying to be a dozen men at once is exhausting and will keep us returning to the fire hydrant of porn to try to nourish our broken heart.
My friend Michael Cusick points out that the word “integrity” comes from the word “integer,” meaning whole. A person of integrity is a whole person, not a shapeshifter who modifies themselves to fit the scene.
So may we be a people who give up disguising ourselves and trying to be more impressive than we are.
May we seek wholeness, root ourselves in quietness and peace and know ourselves as we are known by God, recognizing that God loves the weak and the broken; He lifts up those who are low. (Psalm 145)
“But [Jesus] said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weaknesses…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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A version of this article appeared on Ethan’s Blog on September 21st, 2016. Used by permission.
I’m Ethan & I love Jesus as much as my little heart allows. I’m an artist, traveler, and the Lord often speaks to me in poems. I’m a personal trainer, youth pastor and photographer. I graduated from Moody and now live in Colorado. Come check out my blog at www.ethanrenoe.com.
“I know she wanted to fall in love. I just hope she fell in love with the right guy.”
I was looking at an acquaintance’s engagement photos on social media recently, and found myself thinking that very thought.
If you follow my blog posts or my relationship podcast, you’ll know that I’m not an fan of the philosophy that says there is “just one person” out there for each of us to marry. I don’t believe in finding “the one“, but I do believe that once you choose someone to marry – they become “the one“.
So, when I say “I hope she fell in love with the right guy”, I’m not referring to the theoretical needle-in-the-haystack. I’m not hoping that she stumbled across, “the one and only one” for her life. No, that’s not what I mean at all.
When I say that I hope she fell in love with the right guy, what I mean is that I hope she fell in love with someone who’s a right match for her life. Someone who is a goodmatch for her life.
Finding someone who is a good match for our lives is something people don’t often think about, especially in the wake of the hangover of “feeling in love”.
But when we follow our feelings into love, we can also follow our feelings right back out of love.
There’s got to be more keeping us than feelings.
Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love with the wrong person?
I get that question thrown at me often. So, I will go ahead and wholeheartedly say, YES – I do believe it’s possible to fall in love with the wrong person. In fact, I think it happens all the time, every single day.
As a professional counselor, I work with many couples who come to me with major problems and issues that have surfaced through marriage.
They might have differences in their communication abilities, problems with how they manage conflict, deep seated issues or traumatic experiences they’ve never dealt with, personality differences, etc. But other times, there are much bigger problems. Honesty issues. Trust issues. Addictive behaviors. Character problems. Power struggles.
There are so many red flags that get ignored or shoved under the table in the name of “falling in love”. Yet if we’re actively looking for them, the red flags of marriage often trace back to the red flags in dating.
So many times, we look to chemistry to tell us what works in a marriage rather than looking at compatibility.
But when chemistry wanes, all that’s left is a lack of compatibility that brings people to the harsh reality that maybe, just maybe, they fell in love with the wrong person. That maybe, just maybe, they didn’t make the wisest marital choice when it came to finding the things that really matter in a relationship: character, connection, and compatibility.(READ MORE: 5 People You Should Never Marry).
The majority of my audience at TrueLoveDates.com are Christian singles, looking ahead at marriage. I write this article primarily for you. I want you to realize that it is possible to “fall in love” with the wrong person, and when you let feelings lead the way you will end up getting hurt every single time.
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Feelings have got to be part of the equation, but there’s got to be more than feelings. Because there’s so much more to a healthy, life-long marriagethan how we feel about someone in the moment. Take a few steps back by understanding who you are, so that you know the type of person who fits into your story from the type of person who doesn’t.
Choosing Marriage
But even as I write these words, I am fully aware that there are those of you reading this who feel like you’ve made a bad marital choice. You ignored all the red flags and warning signs, and married the “wrong person”. You committed your life to someone who wasn’t the best match for your life – worse yet, someone who wasn’t a match at all.
You rushed into love on the wave of feelings, and now the wave has crashed and you find yourself drowning in its midst.
My encouragement to you is this: even if you didn’t choose a good match, you can still become a good match. There are choices that you can make TODAY, to build a better marriage for TOMORROW. Choices to get you healthy, and move your relationship toward healthy as well. It’s possible. It’s achievable. And it’s absolutely worth the process.
I have seen God take two people, so far from my expectation of a good match, and weave their broken lives together in a remarkable way. He is the Healer of all things, and as He begins to heal you from the inside out, He can also heal your relationship. The process won’t be easy, and it won’t be without it’s fair share of work. But the outcome will be worth it.
If you’re struggling to know what makes a good match in dating or how to become a good match in marriage, pick up a copy of Choosing Marriage: Why IT Has To Start With We > Me, and start making the choices that will change your life and in turn, your love life. Because a huge part to marrying the right person, is becoming the right person.
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on December 5th, 2018. Used by permission.
