“We’re getting a divorce”, she explained, with a look of disappointment on her face.
Her tone of voice changed, as she tried to look on the bright side. “But it’s for the best. Things haven’t been working out for the past few years. We’re just too different.”
“For the best…Too different….” Her words echoed in my mind for hours after our conversation ended. I thought about the list of differences my husband and I possess. We are SO different in so many ways. Could it really be possible that a couple can be “too different” to have a thriving marriage? The thought didn’t sit well with me.
As a Professional Counselor, I see couples who come into therapy with their marriage on life-support. But their struggles often have nothing to do with the trauma of affairs, addictions, or abuse. Instead, they are dying a rather slow and painful death.
Phrases like, “We’re too different” or “We’ve grown apart” or “Life has just gotten the best of us….” phrases that sound so innocent- yet are extremely lethal.
There are so many factors that can get in the way of a good marriage, but often, they are the small, unnoticed things that make their way in. In order to make sure our marriages survive and thrive, here are some relationship killers every couple should be on the lookout for:
1. Family:
The number one relationship stress for most couples has little to do with their relationship and much to do with the relationships they are surrounded by. The role of your parents, in-laws, siblings, and friends all shift the moment you say “I do”, because when you join together as one, you’ve chosen to put your spouse above all others. Too many marriages are struggling simply due to a lack of priorities- finding themselves pulled by everyone else in every which way, except toward each other. Healthy marriages learn to choose one another above all others.
It’s so easy to take our stress out on our spouse. We can get into the habit of holding things in until we’re in the safety and comfort of our marriage- and then we explode. From financial problems, to illness, job-loss, and grief, healthy couples allow their stress to pull them together, by relying on each other, sharing it with one another, and carrying the load together.
4. Technology:
I read a blog post about a guy getting a divorce…except this guy chose to divorce his phone. But it makes sense, because so many of us carry this dangerous relationship killer right in our back pocket. In the world of technology crazed, iPhone carrying, Facebook posting mania- it’s no joke that we find our time slipping away into the inanimate- instead of investing it into the intimate. Unplug, disconnect, shut down- and invest in your spouse. (11 signs you need a break from social media!)
5. Selfishness:
Marriage is one huge, ongoing, life lesson in “unselfishness”. And we’ll either allow the experience to make us better- or we’ll grow bitter. Putting someone first is an incredibly hard task because our flesh is wired to choose self.
Forgiving and forgetting are not one in the same. When we fail to realize that, we will hold on to our hurts for a very long time. And eventually those hurts begin wreaking havoc on our lives from the inside out. But forgiveness is not about excusing the other person, it’s about freeing ourselves to receive healing from the God who forgives us time and time and time again.
The most paralyzing thing we can do for our relationship, is to define our spouse by their past, rather than by who they are in the present. The past may impact our lives, but it will only control our present if we allow it to. It’s important to be real with one another about our pasts, but more important, to respect one other’s pasts by seeing what God is doing in the life of our spouse HERE and NOW. Deal with what is behind…so that you can move toward what is ahead.
9. Dishonesty:
Why is a small lie just as dangerous as a big lie? Because they both have the same impact on intimacy. Honesty in marriage is like the chain that holds you together. Removing one link, or ten links does the same thing- it causes separation. If you’ve made mistakes in your relationship or have been hiding things from your spouse, now is the time to seek truth and confession; because a relationship riddled with dishonesty, is no relationship at all.
10. Pride:
“I am my biggest marriage problem” is the theme of Paul Tripp’s work in the field of relationships. To be able to look in, then, is the greatest step toward nourishing a relationship. To be aware enough to recognize and restore your flaws and shortcomings, before fixating on those of your spouse. But the sting of pride can make that really hard to do. It’s so much easier to point the finger and to shift the blame. But the moment you let go of your responsibility, you’ve let go of your relationship- because no matter what the issue at hand: it always takes two.
It’s time to consider where you’ve let your guard down before these sly intruders make their way in. May God continue to give you the wisdom to recognize these patterns and to lookout for the “small stuff” by protecting, nourishing, and prioritizing your marriage.
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on April 11th, 2018. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest book, Choosing Marriage, is set to be released in May 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!
Why is it that we love love? This isn’t necessarily a new trend to romanticize the idea of falling in love nor is it a cultural phenomenon.
We’ve always been infatuated with love throughout history. The passion. The scandal. The warmth.
For example…
As a child, I was introduced to the transformational power of love in Beauty and the Beast. In 1936, King Edward VIII abdicated from the English Monarch in order to marry the woman of his dreams. In 1813, the world was introduced to Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett’s tug-and-pull of a relationship in the novel Pride and Prejudice. In the early 12th Century, Lancelot betrayed his dear friend, King Arthur, to pursue a passionate romance with his wife, Guinevere, in Lancelot, the Knight of the Cart. And even farther than that, in the Bible, we have numerous of love stories such as Ruth and Boaz, Jacob and Rachel, the bride and groom from the Song of Songs, and, probably the most memorable, Adam and Eve.
Love has always been loved, not simply by the dominant culture, but by humanity as a whole.
Understanding that love is a timeless force that currents through all human beings will teach us about the character of God. Or, maybe more adeptly put, learning about the character of God will teach us more about love, Himself.
John, one of Jesus’s closest friends and disciple, writes, “God is love.” [1]
Wait, what? God is love.
This is not mere theological poetry, but a transformative truth meant to remind humanity of its image.
If we trust the book of Genesis, we immediately learn humanity was made in the image of God. The Imago Dei. We were created as his children. Sons and Daughters of the King, the Mighty Lover. And, with this intent in Creation, we are honored with the responsibility to care for the earth and cultivate community in intimacy. Our image is the very imprint of love because of the source of love. We were created to love.
Love is embedded into the fabric of our DNA.
Yet, when we think about love, do notions of God occupy our mind? Often times love is accompanied by illusive bytes of flirtation, concertos of heart-fluttering butterflies, and passionate fogged up windows. Don’t get me wrong, I have no qualms about romance or healthy sexual expression. One of the first commands God gives humanity is to have sex. And God doesn’t make mistakes, therefore the pleasure that comes from sex is, both, natural and good. It’s a gift. But let us not confuse the gift with the Gift-Giver.
As the Church, our job is not to worship an emotion and to elevate deed over deity. Romance will not comfort us when we lose a loved one to a fatal disease. Romance will not grow holiness from a sinful carcass. Romance will not personify itself to ransom a captive prisoner. What I really want to say is, our pursuit of romance may seem gloriously vain because it is short of our pursuit of Jesus.
Jesus is love.
But he is not love in the sense that we most commonly use the term. Often times when we converse with our community, we use this term love in ambiguous modes. The popular examples are:
I love pizza
I love my wife/husband.
I love quality time
I love the outdoors.
It becomes pretty clear that this term love, most commonly carrying a romantic sentiment, has been the mediator for any and all relationships we may describe.
Romantic love is not the destination in which our souls will find their satisfaction, for it is just one side of a multi-faceted diamond, Love himself. – (tweet this)
Love is the tethering Spirit that binds relationship. Love is carrying the burden of a dear friend. You can hear love in the laughter of community and in the tears of mourning. Love is available in the loneliness of singleness and in the everyday of marriage.
Maybe love has been obscured by a negative experience. Maybe love and delight seem like antonyms with a tragic backstory. Maybe you are like me, wondering if you are considered to be worthy of love, insecure of your value and purpose, all the while love has only been issued to the privileged. Forgive me if this is all seems too theoretical or abstract, but, I believe, love is available to you right now. You were not created to be starved of intimacy.
Maybe our pursuit of love has been wooing us to true intimacy.
Here is my prayer for you:
I pray you find Jesus in your definition of love. I pray that your relationships are not solely intent on building romance as much as they should be to cultivate community. I pray you find yourself worthy of love despite any harm you’ve experienced. I pray your delight and passion are found in Jesus.
[1] 1 John 4:8[2] C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity
Nathaniel Arroyo is a poet, photographer, and coffee aficionado located in Spokane, Washington. Being from Chicago, IL, he has a passion for the Church’s engagement with culture through mediums of art, community, and rich theology. He attended Moody Bible Institute – Spokane and studied Biblical Exposition.
Did you ever think someone could show you love through a bologna sandwich?
I didn’t think so either.
Until I found out that my then-boyfriend-now-husband (a poor, broke, medical school student at the time) spent close to two months eating bologna sandwiches everyday, in order to cut down his grocery budget to $10/week – just so he could save up enough money to buy me an engagement ring.
The truth is this: marriage will cost you.
When you think of the cost of marriage, what comes to mind?
According to recent statistics, the average couple today spends $26,444 on a wedding. That’s a lot of money, but it’s nothing compared to the REAL cost of marriage. Because like it or not, marriage will cost you MORE. It will cost you something great. It will cost you a price much larger than the money you spend on a ring or a wedding or a honeymoon: it will cost you yourself.
I heard a married man on TV say (regarding whether or not he was going to stay in his own marriage), “I shouldn’t be with someone if I’m not happy…” and it made my stomach turn.
What an accurate reflection of the self-centered society we live in, everyone believing that their main goal in life is THEIR OWN personal happiness. What a small and shallow way to live.
If you’re getting married with that as your main goal, to make yourself happy, you will be disappointed in a severe way.
Marriage is not about your happiness, it’s not even about you. It’s about LOVE – which is something we choose to give time and time again. It’s about sacrifice, serving, giving, forgiving, and then doing it all over again.
No wonder we choose divorce over commitment…because most of the time, we’re choosing “personal happiness” over real commitment….over real love.
They say marriage teaches you more about selflessness than you ever wanted to know. I have definitely found that phrase to be true in my relationship with my husband. Because at the heart of it, real love is all about sacrifice. About the giving of yourself, in ways big and small. That’s what marriage will cost you.
It’s about giving your time though it’s not always convenient.
It’s about sharing your heart when you’d rather hold back.
It’s about cleaning the kitchen after a long weekend, even if it’s your least favorite job.
It’s about choosing to respond with love when you’d rather respond in anger.
It’s about offering a listening ear, when you’d rather tune out or go to bed.
It’s about putting someone else’s needs and desires before your own.
It’s about giving up that last bite of cake, just so your spouse can enjoy it.
It’s about laying down your rights, to make way for the rights of another.
The list could go on and on, but it always ends with the same formula:
WE > ME
That’s what marriage will cost you.
We live in a world that DESPISES the sacrificial side of marriage…and tries to wish it away. They teach to strive for power, control, and the upper hand in a relationship. They tell us to do what feels right, and not to tolerate anything less. They fool us to thinking that love is about doing what makes us happy.
And the second we feel less than happy, they encourage us to bail….to abandon ship…and to stop investing.
But they’ve got it all wrong.
Because the more we give, the better we become.
Real love is not self-seeking…and it will ALWAYS cost you. More, and more, and more. It will cost your heart, your time, and your money. It will cost your comfort, your rights, and your pride. It will cost you to “lay down your life” for thelife of another. And only those who learn to die to themselves are the ones who get to experience the resurrection power that comes with it.
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on April 2nd, 2018. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest book, Choosing Marriage, is set to be released in May 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!
I feel like I should start this post with a slight apology.
You see, when I was single I absolutely hated getting advice on being single from married people. It was just the worst –as a happy married person they had no right giving me, an embittered single person, advice. Most of this hate was channeled into unpublished blog posts, because after reading them I realized they could never see the light of day. Thank god.
So yes, this post is a little advice for single people, but it’s also for people engaged or married (and me being married for five months means I can mostly provide advice on how not to write wedding gift thank-you notes, and that is to actually write all of them and not stop when there are ten left because your brain cannot handle anymore wedding-related activities).In fact, I wouldn’t even say this is advice. Rather, it’s some observations that I offer to you, whatever life stage you are in.
And to the married people I resented before for trying to tell me how to live my life, my bad. You were only trying to help because you were once there too, and it turns out that just because you’re married you don’t know everything either (which you also probably know).
So here are some thoughts, observations, and advice for those single, engaged, or married:
Marriage will not fix your problems. Instead, marriage will do two things: you will simply find yourself now with different, married-people problems, and hopefully your problems, both old and new, will feel a little more bearable because someone has your back forever.
Just because you are a Christian and this really nice person you are dating is a Christian doesn’t mean you have to get married to them. Seriously. This is a confusing one, I know.
Breaking up is not a sign of spiritual immaturity. In fact, it might be just the opposite.
Please stop feeling this pressure to get married immediately after becoming engaged. Being engaged is different than dating, and it’s different than being married. It’s unique, special, and refining. And it can (and should) reveal the realities of what you’re getting into with marriage – good and bad. Sit with those realities before marriage, together.
I fully reject the lie that sex is inevitable if you wait a long time to get married. You’d be surprised how resilient people are.
You are allowed to feel numerous ways about one thing, or person, or relationship.
Confidence is attractive and will probably get you a date or relationship, but if you’re in it for the long haul this person is eventually going to see all of your really ugly, unconfident bits.
It’s okay to be selective about who you take dating or marriage advice from. Everyone single person has had a different experience than you, somehow.
He didn’t make me feel like I needed to earn his love or attention, which I’m still baffled by to this day that someone can love me like this, especially when I have a dramatic mid-life crisis about once a month.
I don’t really know if God tells us to marry a certain person, but I do know that there is no such thing as one destined, perfect person for us all.
Even for us married people, it will never not be obnoxious when people excessively post sappy things about their spouse.
The first few months of marriage have only been hard when one of us has been selfish. Period. Other than that, marriage is pretty spectacular and I think we need to stop telling people that the first year of marriage is always so scary and tough.
If you’re single and need to unfollow people on social media whose lives appear to throw your singleness into sharp, painful perspective, unfollow them. Do it. Do it now. Take care of your heart.
It’s funny, because in the end advice or thoughts or observations from others only resonate so much in our own lives. I have found that one of the most incredible and frustrating things about love is that no matter how much you “know” it will probably not be enough, and you will have to learn for yourself and through your own actions and choices how to do all this well (or at least try your best).
But I think that’s what’s going on with this blog when it all comes down to it – it’s all just offerings. Offerings for both myself and for you. I really like that.
– XO
Julia writes about relationships, faith and identity at hellosoulblog.com.
God loves sex. The first two commands recorded in the Bible are “have dominion over creation,” and then “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:26-28). In other words, rule the world and have lots of sex. Not a bad day at the office.
Whoever said God was some cosmic killjoy? God created sex and declared it to be “good.”
Within Christian circles, it’s assumed God only wants us to have sex if we’re married. Sex outside of marriage is one of the clearest, unquestionable prohibitions in Christianity. But where does the Bible teach this? Can you name a verse?
Many will race to the Ten Commandments: “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). But adultery means having sex with someone else’s spouse; it doesn’t refer to an unmarried couple sleeping together. Likewise, when Jesus condemns lust in Matthew 5, He does so in the context of adultery. In other words, we should not sexually desire another person’s spouse as our own.
God loves sex. But He’s designed us to have sex within the boundaries of a marriage covenant.
Others might turn to Leviticus 18. This “sex chapter” lists all sorts of sexual prohibitions including incest, bestiality, adultery and other sexual sins. It’s fascinating, though, that nowhere in Leviticus 18 is sex before marriage condemned.
Some might argue that when the Bible condemns “fornication” or “sexual immorality” this includes sex before marriage. And maybe it does. But this needs to be shown and not just assumed. Again, the Old Testament’s most detailed list of sexually immoral acts (Leviticus 18) does not include sex before marriage.
So Does the Bible Really Say It’s Wrong?
Before you book a hotel room and call up your girlfriend with the good news, please keep reading! Yes, the Bible does say that all forms of sex outside of marriage are wrong. Here’s how.
The early chapters of Genesis give a basic blueprint for marriage, and even though it never says “Thou shall not have sex before marriage,” it certainly suggests that sex outside of marriage flows against God’s design. God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1) is joyfully heeded by Adam and Eve after they are joined in marriage (Genesis 2:24-25; 4:1, 25). The same goes for their descendants. Noah, Shem, Abram and others all have sex and therefore have children within the confines of a marriage covenant.
When they turn to other women, such as Abraham’s sexual relations with Hagar (Genesis 16), the act was not considered an affair. Hagar was more like a modern day surrogate mother who bears a child in the place of an infertile wife. Nevertheless, these acts don’t appear to be sanctioned by God, even though they were widely accepted in Israel’s culture.
Throughout the Old Testament, it’s assumed that God designed sex for marriage. Deuteronomy condemns a soon to be wife who has had sex before marriage (Deuteronomy 22:13-19), and the love poetry contained in the Song of Songs delights in the joys of sex but reserves it for a husband and wife. Extra-marital sex is never looked upon with divine approval in the Old Testament, no matter how bright the love-flame burns.
The Role of Tradition
The Jewish tradition that flows from the Old Testament and cradles the New Testament was even more explicit in condemning pre-marital sex. For instance, it was believed that Joseph (Jacob’s favorite son) was adamant that he and his future wife, Asenath, remain pure until their wedding day. There’s nothing in the Old Testament that validates such concern; Joseph’s marriage to Asenath is only mentioned in passing (Genesis 41:45, 50-52). But the later retelling of Joseph and Asenath reflects a widespread Jewish view: Sex before marriage is sin.
And this is the ethical world that Jesus and His followers were raised in. Jews and Christians had many disagreements about what constitutes right and wrong (food laws, circumcision, strict Sabbath keeping, etc.). But when it came to sexual immorality, they found much in common. Sex before marriage was clearly condemned in Judaism, and the same goes for Christianity.
For instance, Paul—a Jew—argued that the only proper outlet for sexual desire is within marriage: “because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). Again, if unmarried people can’t control their sexual desires, Paul doesn’t tell them to head to the brothel, or to their boyfriend, or their betrothed loved one. Rather, “they should marry” since “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). In other words, we should not satisfy our sexual passion with someone other than a spouse.
Not Just Adultery
Paul says in another passage: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Paul’s words here can’t be limited to adultery. They clearly include all forms of sex outside of marriage. We know this because the Gentiles of the Roman world Paul refers to actually abhorred adultery and considered it a crime. However, sexual activity outside of marriage was perfectly fine—as long as it wasn’t with another man’s wife. So when Paul tells Christians to not engage in “the passion of lust like the Gentiles,” this can’t be limited to adultery. What separates Christians from other Romans was that Christians, like their Jewish brothers, believed that sex outside of marriage was sin.
Many other passages in the New Testament confirm what we see in the letters of Paul. Revelation 14:4 assumes that unmarried Christian men who desire to be faithful are not having sex. Matthew 1:18-19 celebrates the chastity of Joseph and Mary. And Hebrews 13:4 considers sex outside of marriage to be immoral: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” This verse can’t just be limited to adultery, since both “sexually immoral” and “adulterous” are listed.
God loves sex. But He’s designed us to have sex within the boundaries of a marriage covenant. To violate God’s design in an effort to lay hold of creation’s pleasure is not just foolish, but actually rejects the delights God wants us to enjoy. Sex outside of marriage mocks the Creator’s will and elevates human desire over God’s wisdom.
Christians can mess up and receive God’s free pardon. God’s scandalous grace covers all of our wrongdoings, and He dishes out such grace liberally. But it’s one thing to struggle and fail, and quite another to call sin good and wrongdoing righteousness. Christians—genuine Christians—must strive to live in line with the Creator’s intentions and celebrate the good gifts He gives to His people.
I originally published this blog as an article for Relevant Magazine
A version of this post originally appeared on Preston’s Blog on September 15, 2016. Used by permission.
Dr. Preston Sprinkle has authored several books, including the New York Times bestselling Erasing Hell (with Francis Chan; 2011), Fight; A Christian Case for Nonviolence (David C. Cook, 2013), Paul and Judaism Revisited (IVP, 2013), Charis: God’s Scandalous Grace for Us (David C. Cook, 2014), and the recently released People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue (Zondervan, 2015), and the newest Grace//Truth 1.0: Five Conversations Every Thoughtful Christian Should Have About Faith, Sexuality & Gender (2017). Dr. Sprinkle also hosts a daily radio program titled: “Theology in the Raw?” and frequently speaks at various venues including college chapels, churches, music festivals, youth camps, family camps, and anywhere else where people desire to hear relevant Bible teaching. Preston has been married to Chrissy for 15 years and together they have 4 children.
Far too many singles are out there trying to find their perfect match.
Because let’s be honest…it’s far more romantic to dream of finding that person who will complete your life, rather than to imagine a relationship that involves time, energy, and investment. But good relationships will always require work.
No one wants to hear that marriage takes work.
In fact, there have been numerous articles trending encouraging us to STOP SAYING that relationships take work. Because it’s discouraging. And scary. And defeating to hear.
But to stop saying that a good marriage takes work, would be to live in a delusion. That’s like saying becoming a doctor, or a teacher, or an Olympian doesn’t require any work. Anything of value takes time, energy, and investment. It requires work. I believe that the goal of this type of conversation isn’t to SCARE people away from marriage, but to PREPARE them for what it entails.
A good marriage isn’t about finding the perfect person, it’s about working to create the best relationship you possibly can.
And the process of creating something beautiful, will always take work. Ask any artist. Ask any writer. Ask any musician.
That’s why, when, in a Hollywood culture that tends to portray relationships as over-the-top romantic gestures and passionate one night stands, it was refreshing to see this article floating around by US Magazine where Dax Shepard confessed that marriage takes work. Here’s what he told US Weekly:
“We don’t believe in The One. We don’t believe in the fairytale. We don’t believe that you can meet someone and you have a perfectly matching personalities. We are opposites and it has taken a tremendous amount of work and therapy for us to coexist.”
I’m thankful for this much-needed reality check about relationships, from a couple that’s adored by so many young fans. Because a good marriage takes work. And anyone who tells you otherwise is living a lie.
I’m not saying that marriage is always hard. And I’m not even saying that the work is always hard.
Because so many times, the work of marriage – communication, connection, intimacy – is delightful. But to discount the fact that there is also hard work involved, would be to present a one-sided picture.
To say that marriage doesn’t take work is like saying running a marathon is easy. Who on earth would ever be naive enough to say that? To run a marathon well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to train, to sweat, and to run with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There might be days when the practice is easy on a beautiful sunny day with a perfect breeze. But there are going to be other days when you don’t feel like running, or training, or practicing. And that’s when the work of running a marathon has to really kick in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal.
You can only get to the win by doing the work.
Marriage is much the same.To do marriage well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to communicate, connect, give, forgive, and sacrifice with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There will be easy days, when the practice is easy and your love is shining bright. But there will also be other days, when you don’t feel like loving, connecting, and forgiving – or even feel like you’ve got nothing left to give. But that’s when the work of marriage really kicks in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal.
You can only get to the win by doing the work.
And much to people’s surprise, just because you are a Christian, doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be good at marriage. You have to work at it just like anyone else. “Happily Ever After” is a path you have to forge, not a road you accidentally stumble upon.
As Dax later went on to say, “[Relationships] are labor intensive. If you want them to last they are labor intensive.”
But if you’re expecting anything less than work, than you might not be ready for marriage. And I won’t apologize saying that.
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on December 19, 2017. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest book, Choosing Marriage, is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!
At the end of that article, I asked singles to tell me why. Why aren’t Christian singles dating? Why has the common date become such a rare thing? The comments rolled in, and some fantastic conversation came of it. As I read through and interacted with the comments, 5 big-picture themes emerged as to why #TheDatingScene is on snooze for most single Christians:
I believe it’s important to have our standards of character, integrity, and morals when it comes to a dating relationship – but could it be that in the name of “not settling” we’ve confused our PREFERENCES for our NEEDS? Maybe it’s time to prioritize our majors from our minors, and consider pursuing someone that might typically be considered “outside of our usual type”.
There’s definitely a fear culture surrounding the topic of asking someone out on a date. We’re so paralyzed by fear, failure, and rejection. It’s almost as though we’re so afraid to fail- that we’d rather not even try. In fact, the majority of singles reported that when it comes to dating: they aren’t usually do the asking.
If majority is not asking, that also means majority is not dating.
#3 They’re having a hard time meeting one another.
I think this is a really legitimate concern, and one in which I hope and pray the Church will listen and begin to fill the needs of this generation. Too many churches are not offering a way for their Singles to meet – leaving them to fend for themselves with things like social media, online dating, and everything in between in an attempt to meet. We offer groups for every other category of life, but when it comes to singles – if you’re past college, there’s a good chance you’re out of luck when it comes to finding a group to connect with at your local church.
My hope and prayer is that by having and sharing these conversations, men and women in leadership will realize that the 25+ singles are a truly neglected demographic within the Church – and then do something about it. It’s time to make some noise, approach our leaders, and do our part to build bridges and opportunities for singles to connect. Start a group, initiate a conversation, share your concern, and do what YOU CAN to create a places for singles in the body of Christ to connect. (One place that’s doing this INCREDIBLY well is Saddleback Church – with a Singles Event that I’ll be speaking at coming up this weekend!)
#4 They’ve been taught that women shouldn’t initiate a relationship.
Part of the problem with the lack of interaction among sexes is that woman have been taught that their role is to simply do nothing. They’ve been told the lie that a “woman of God” lets the man initiate, pursue, and make things happen. This leaves women feeling powerless – as though they have no control in their relationship status and no right to take initiative themselves. I’ve been pretty outspoken about how I feel about this subject. If you’ve yet to catch up on those posts, you can give them a read here.
#5 They’re taking dating way too seriously.
Twenty years after the I Kissed Dating Goodbye movement, and we’re finally learning to lighten up about dating. But I believe we still have a long way to go. I’m a firm believer that dating in high school is something that teenagers should do without – the problem is that too many people then take that mentality long into ADULTHOOD.
Christians tend to put the decision of who to date on the same level as the decision of who to marry. There’s so much pressure surrounding the topic, when at the end of the day, a first date is nothing more than getting to know someone better over a cup of coffee. Christians need to stop stressing so much about dating.
I believe that the more we talk about these things, the more we’ll know. And the more we know – the better we’ll do.
Stay tuned for my entire blog series with the rest of the survey results all about #TheDatingScene
COMMENT BELOW: I want to take this conversation to the churches and ministries I interact with across the country: What is something the CHURCH could do to help encourage healthy dating and interactions between men and women?
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on August 9, 2017. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”.
In just a few days, my husband John and I will be celebrating our 10 year marriage anniversary!
It seems so short and yet sooooo long at the same time. We’ve been with each other through some of our most formative years- and have together experienced the most significant moments of each other’s lives. We’ve walked with one another through some incredible highs, and through some difficult lows. We’ve changed, grown, matured, fallen, failed, conquered, succeeded and have learned so many things together. Yet the greatest lesson we’ve learned, is that there is so much still left for us to learn.
As we’ve been reflecting over the past decade of our marriage including changing careers, moving 4 times, and having 3 children, we had to chuckle at some of the lessons we’ve learned the hard (and sometimes awkward) way. There are so many things about marriage that we had no clue about while we were single. Here are some things we wish we would have known about marriage…but by God’s grace, we’re learning along the way:
Attraction grows. In the next decade you’ll both put on weight, acquire grey hairs, and welcome the world of post-marriage (likely even post-baby) body. But don’t fret. Because even as your body fades, your desire for one another can continue to grow brighter and brighter. Be sure to keep fanning that flame…because genuine attraction is made up of so much more than just the physical.
Conflict is a healthy part of marriage. It’s important to learn how to fight fair, to express your feelings in a constructive way, and to learn how to forgive often. Conflict breeds communication, and communication can breed heightened intimacy. So take advantage and fight well.
Your sex life takes up a small fraction of your relationship. But it’s a really important fraction because it has the power to connect you emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. So protect it while you’re single, and then learn to make the most of it in marriage.
Your spouse’s family will likely have a huge influence on your life and marriage– so know what you’re getting into because who you choose to do life with can bring barriers or blessings.
Contrary to what the movies say, you will NOT sleep romantically intertwined and interlocked with your spouse all night long, so do yourself a favor by investing in a large, comfy bed and getting a good night’s rest! People tend to argue less when they’re well rested ????
Believe it or not, research shows that the longer you’ve been married the less time you actually talk. Make communication important by scheduling time to just sit and talk.
Unlike in soap operas and movies, marital sex takes work, practice, selflessness, and a whole lot of patience to perfect. Don’t expect to get it right away, but know that you will in time. Let go of the pressure to be perfect and just enjoy the practice!
No matter who you marry, someday you will probably wonder if you’ve married the “right person”. Be assured- you have (from the moment you said “I do”). So do whatever it takes to fight for what you have and to turn it into something beautiful.
True love between two people has very little to do with how you feel, and so much to do with what you do thereafter. Learn the actions of love, and practice them often (aka every moment, of every day). Always choose to protect your marriage.
No matter what conflict you are facing, 100% of the time you have a responsibility in it. Learn to take ownership of your own flaws right here, and right now, long before you point the finger. It will always work out better in the end.
Most of marriage is made up of the monotony of day-to-day routine. So marry more than just a lover. Marry a best friend, a partner, a co-worker, and a true companion.
Marriage can’t bring you purpose, healing, or security– but it can bless you, challenge you, and enrich your life in so many ways. Keep your expectations grounded in reality. You’ve been given a spouse, not a super-hero, a help-mate, not a healer.
Your relationship with God has the power to bring you closer to one another in powerful ways. Learn to love out of the overflow of God’s love for you. It will likely change your life, and in turn, your marriage.
Here’s to the next decade with my beloved. May God continue teaching us, shaping us, and drawing us closer to each other with each passing day and through each coming lesson.
And here’s to all of you, whether married or single: May God continue shifting your expectations of marriage and relationships to become more and more in tune with His.
Comment below: What have been the most surprising lessons you’ve learned about marriage along the way?
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on June 8, 2017. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”.
There are so many Christian singles out there who believe that they just need to wait around until God reveals to them the lucky “one” they are going to marry.
As though the right relationship is just going to fall from the sky.
As though God is going to knock on the door one day, and all of a sudden there will be the one they are supposed to marry.
As though somehow, they will “just know” when they come face-to-face with the right person.
And sadly, Christian culture perpetuates this lie. I had the opportunity to speak at two different Christian colleges at each end of the country in the past two weeks, and the students affirmed to me that this belief still runs rampant within the student body.
But no matter how many Hollywood films you’ve watched, or how many romantic stories you’ve heard, I’m here to tell you this: you can’t just “know” from the outside looking in whether or not someone will be a good match for you. It’s not about a feeling, and it’s definitely not just about getting lucky.
I was at the grocery store this summer, and found myself standing in front of a bin of beautiful, green watermelons. My family loves watermelon, and especially my four year old son who could eat watermelon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
So I decided to pick one out to take home.
Now if you knew anything about my family, you would know that purchasing a watermelon is a process. First you have to find the right one, typically because of it’s bright green color. After you’ve found the right one, you test it out to make SURE it’s the right one by drumming on the outside of it, and listening for the sound it makes. I don’t know if it’s just my family, or of this is a universal thing (I’d like to think everyone does this….otherwise my family is just strange) but based on the thumping sound the watermelon makes, you know whether or not it’s a good one.
The only problem with this theory, is that I actually don’t have any idea what sound it’s supposed to make. So I end up grabbing a watermelon, drumming on it one or two times, and putting it in my cart. When I take it home and cut into it, it’s always a mystery. Even with the special drumming I did at the grocery store, I still have no idea whether or not it’s going to be a good one until I bite into it. And frankly, it’s a hit or miss process. As illogical as this all may sound, I do it every time I go to the store.
But you know what? When it comes to relationships, SO many people are JUST as illogical.
They look for “signs and wonders”, “feelings and emotions”, “chemistry and connection” in a relationship that will ultimately tell them whether or not this person is going to “be the one”.
But at the end of the day, they ultimately have no idea what they’re getting in a relationship until the relationships progresses further – or even until marriage.
You can choose a bad watermelon with little to no consequences, but choosing the wrong marriage is absolutely devastating.
Despite the lies we’re being fed from our culture on a regular basis, the most important thing you need to grasp about all of this is that good relationships aren’t just “found”. They are CHOSEN. They are made.
They are built through a series of choices, a consistency of exchanges, over a proper length of time, with important conversations, healthy communication, and one positive decision at a time.
They are not something you find, they are something you CREATE, with someone who is just as willing to create a healthy relationship as you are.
There are so many people who rush into relationships without ever assessing the risk. Without knowing enough about the person they are dating. Without giving it enough time. Without having some really important conversations.
They meet. They like. And then they rush…..without ever knowing how healthy their partner is.
And so many times, going blindly into relationships, they end up with a broken heart and shattered dreams.
God gives us the responsibility to use wisdom, discernment, and discretion in choosing who we are going to marry. We’re responsible for this most important life-decision, and we’re the ones who have to deal with the ultimate consequences.
In choosing someone to marry, it’s up to each and every one of us to take our time, to assess the risk, to uncover the baggage, to invest in counseling, to prepare, and train, and learn everything we can possibly know. It’s up to us to choose well. Because once you choose “the one”, they become “the one” – til death do us part.
*This post was adapted from my new e-course: Breaking Free From the Lies of Singleness. Sign up today to uncover the subtle lies you might be believing that are impacting your relationship status!
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on April 12, 2017. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”. Learn more, or pick up a copy for yourself by clicking the image below.
Anyone who grew up in an even remotely Christian culture has probably had this conversation at one point or another. How much it actually affected each of our lives is debatable, but it has certainly been a popular topic in Christian circles for decades.
When it comes to sex, where is the line?
How far can you go before it’s too far?
My hope in writing this is not to sound like a 1990’s purity-bot, spouting off the same unhelpful jargon which ultimately leads people into shame, fear and the like, but maybe to help you think through some things as we all labor together to seek out a more holy and pure sexuality.
There was once a queen who was looking for a new bodyguard to tote her around on her royal litter. This was an incredibly important position in the kingdom, as he had to be incredibly strong to tote her around on the shoulder litter everywhere she went, but he also had to be trustworthy.
The royal court had narrowed the selection down to the top 3 contenders. The first man was called into the chambers and immediately bragged to the queen, “Your Highness, I am strong and capable and if we found ourselves in the mountains on the edge of a cliff, I could safely carry you within 5 feet of the edge of a cliff!”
He continued his speech and then the queen called in the next man. He began, “My Liege, I heard what my fellow candidate here said and I want you to know that I could carry you within three feet of the edge of a cliff and you would be completely safe!”
The queen considered this and finally called in the third man. He humbly entered the corridor and said, “My Queen, if the situation arose, I wouldn’t carry you anywhere near the edge of a cliff. I would keep you as far away from it as possible in order to keep you safe.”
And for some reason, the queen picked the third man.
Because there is safety in fleeing from the edge. There is no wisdom in tiptoeing the edge of catastrophe and hoping we don’t just trip over the edge.
And when it comes to sexual purity, I think we too often embody the first two candidates; we ask how close can we get to the boundary before we are in risky territory. But if we truly want to pursue purity, our hearts should be in a place of asking instead, How far can I stay from the edge?
But that still leaves the question of course, Where is the edge?
I once heard a chapel speaker teach that, outside of marriage, you should not do anything you would not do to your mother or father, as that would therefore subject the action to being ‘sexual’. It seemed reasonable, as I would certainly not want to do anything beyond peck my mom on the cheek, and I could see how that would draw a rigid line between what is sexual and what is not.
However, this definition, while it may be necessary for some people, seemed to fall short for me. And the reason is, you will not date your mother or father. The person you will date will most certainly be other from your parents, and with this otherness comes a different set of rules, permissions, and boundaries.
I have engaged this conversation numerous times with all sorts of people, and I have finally come to my own definition of The Edge. It may look different for you, and of course, as with any theological statement, it is subject to critique and flux.
So my definition of sexual boundaries outside of marriage is: I refrain from anything involving reproductive organs. Sex in itself is reproductive in nature. And as such, certain organs are meant for reproductive purposes.
So when people ask me if oral sex is permissible, I’m forced to say no, because it directly involves a reproductive organ. Breasts are also inherently reproductive, so they too should be reserved for the husband and the child being fed by them. The list goes on, so whenever a sexual act is in question, I simply ask if it directly involves a reproductive organ.
In other words, if I ever find a girl loco enough to date me, I plan to refrain from everything but handholding and kissing. We don’t want to initiate the reproductive process (or even stimulate any reproductive organs) prematurely.
I think there is immense value in being someone who “stays far away from the edge” when it comes to sexual purity. I know it probably makes me come off as prudish, but someday, my wife will be so happy I was able to save as much of myself for her as possible.
I also want to add, as I do with all posts about sexual purity, that there is absolutely nothing that can make you too dirty or unredeemable for Jesus. He wants you and your body, and it is never too late to be washed by Him and to begin to live differently. (And if you’re anything like me, that means screwing up several times a day at first, but thank God He is patient and gracious when we do!)
There is such a stigma in the American Christian world about being a virgin, or crossing a certain line, or becoming unclean if we do, and I disagree with that. I think these boundaries are helpful in helping us to fight for purity because God has commanded to, but with them come a heap of shame and guilt if we ever cross these lines. That is not my intent with this post. There is no sin Christ has not destroyed, and no shame He is unable to heal.
My goal with this post is to bring some clarity to what is often a foggy gray area, often left to relativistic maxims like “whatever your personal line is, don’t cross it!” I hope to bring many of us to a better understanding of sexuality, and how to fight for purity as best we can. What do you think? Agree? Disagree?
As we continue this conversation and thought process, may we be people who love purity and hate sexual immorality. May we be people who seek to please God with our bodies as much as with our souls and spirits, and may we be people who love to stay far away from the edge of the cliff.
A version of this article appeared on Ethan’s Blog on February 14th, 2017.
I’m Ethan & I love Jesus as much as my little heart allows. I’m an artist, traveler, and the Lord often speaks to me in poems. I’m a personal trainer, youth pastor and photographer. I graduated from Moody and now live in Colorado. Keep up with the wanderings of my mind over at ethanrenoe.com
I recently overheard two women discussing their fantasy boyfriends over coffee. They were chatting about their favorite “celebs”: analyzing their “hotness”, what they love about them, why they would make amazing boyfriends, and how amazing it would be to meet them face to face…or better yet…
A while back on the news, I listened to reporters praise a pubescent teenager for asking his Sports Illustrated supermodel crush (probably his mom’s age…) to come with him to prom. How brave and courageous of him, they said. What an honorable thing to do in stepping out of his comfort zone and taking risks to engage his fantasies, they said.
To top it off, just last week I noticed the room of one of my friends’ teenage children – plastered with posters of dreamy celebrities and attractive musicians staring at her each night as she dozed off to sleep.
It’s amazing how fixated we are on fantasy. So much so, that it’s almost become the norm.
We live in a society in which I’ve actually heard people claim they have literally fallen “in love” with celebrities, movie stars, porn-stars and supermodels. But the problem is that they are falling in love…from a distance.
There is something safe about keeping people at a distance. There is something appealing about the unknown that makes it attractive; something about the invisible that is seductive. Whether it’s the supermodel on the cover of a magazine, or that guy at work that you’ve never actually talked to.
Somehow, keeping people at a distance makes us want them even more.
Because keeping people at a distance is never messy. Loving them from far away, is never hard. It isn’t mixed with the reality of pain, vulnerability and selflessness; nor does it know the sacrifices of forgiveness, and grace. But to really love, as C.S. Lewis says, is to be vulnerable.
So many men and women today are falling in love with a dream; falling in love with someone or something that doesn’t really exist, by taking the character of someone they don’t really know and adding the story that they find themselves living in the world of fantasy.
Falling in love with a dream, falling in love with an idea, but ultimately – falling in love with a lie.
And this isn’t just about crushing on Hollywood celebs, because fantasy can permeate so many other parts of our life. The bottom line is this…
Fantasy is living in what could be, rather than living in the reality of what actually is.
From pornography, to affairs, to toxic relationships. The list could go on and on, but in each of these you will find men and women, imprisoned within the confines of a dream. Stuck in a life they make up with people who don’t actually exist. We’ve succumbed to a life fueled by fantasy rather than by reality.
The married man who glances at the beautiful office secretary, mentally engaging in a relationship with her- forgetting her flaws, neglecting her deficits.
The single woman, analyzing and obsessing over a man she’s hardly talked to. Imagining what life could be if, and when…only to have her heart broken by his lack of interest.
The housewife, trapped in the fantasy and excitement of her romance novels, leaving her own reality behind instead of dealing with it.
The young woman stuck in an abusive marriage, making excuses and living for the dream of who he could be rather than acknowledging who he actually is and taking steps toward safety.
The lonely young man, spending hours every evening trapped by the pornographic images on his computer screen, growing numb to the beauty of the real woman…and of real life.
There is something provocative about living in a dream, but there is something even more paralyzing about it.
When we live in a dream, we lose sight of what’s real. We exchange our realities for something that can never actually exist. We live for what could be, and end up missing what really is. And in the end we are led into disappointment, disillusionment, and destruction.
We set ourselves up for failure by seeking to find this thing that doesn’t actually exist, setting expectations that cannot be met by ourselves, much less anyone else.
When we live in a dream, we stop really living.
Though they might not be as easy as Hollywood romance, real life and real relationships are well worth the investment. With the help of God’s grace, forgiveness, and selflessness they can flourish into far greater than a simple dream, because they can become your glorious reality.
Close your eyes to the temptation of fantasy, and instead, open your eyes to the reality of life here and now. And if reality isn’t what you’d hoped for it to be, than make a chance. Challenge yourself to learn and to grow; to forgive and mature. Deal with things in your past, face the things in your present, and become the person you want to be. Don’t live a passive life, but instead create a reality that you can be proud of.
Because only then are you able to truly live.
A version of this post originally appeared on True Love Dates on August 16, 2016. Used by permission.
True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”. Learn more, or pick up a copy for yourself by clicking the image below.
In just a little over 50 years, our media culture has gone from treating matters of sexuality as a “hush-hush” topic, to putting all kinds of sexual practices and issues center-stage. That’s certainly been the case in the last few months as a variety of high profile stories regarding – among others things – molestation, abuse, and gender reassignment have filled everything from the news to “reality” TV
I’ve been working hard to think more about the issues than the personalities involved. I’ve been trying to frame these stories in the bigger picture of our sexuality, God’s sex story, and the sexual stories our culture is communicating to us all. A recent walk through II Samuel took me to Chapter 11 and the gut-wrenching story of David and Bathsheeba. After reading, I jotted some thoughts that I hope will be helpful to myself and other youth workers as we engage with kids about all matters sexual. Perhaps you’ll find them helpful.
First, we cannot deny or forget that sexual desire and curiosity is a good thing that we should expect to exist in all humanity. God is the sexual gift giver, and we are the recipients of this good and wonderful gift. Sadly, the church has failed miserably to communicate this reality. Failing to see how our sexuality was made by God right at the start, woven in and through us, and given to us as a gift for our flourishing. . . well. . . we not only fail to communicate good theology, but our silence and uneasiness with things sexual communicates a horribly flawed theology of our sexuality which leaves young and old alike scrambling to figure out how to understand and live out these powerful drives and desires. Our silence communicates that sex and sexuality is shameful. Could this be why Christian fundamentalism is a hotbed for sexual sin? And while the church sometimes erroneously tells God’s story void of sexuality, the culture is guilty of telling a sexual story void of its rightful place in God’s story. We all struggle to get it right. . . but get it right we must.
Second, all people are horribly broken. Our sexuality is broken too. Yes, we need a robust and realistic theology of sin. When we understand human depravity, we will not be surprised by revelations of sexual sin. Perhaps even more important, a robust and realistic theology of sin should leave us looking inward with great fear and trembling. “Know yourself” is a mantra I tell myself all the time. And what I should know more than anything else are my points of weakness. And, as I tell youth workers all the time, “You are just one bad decision away from being a headline.” As sinners ourselves, we must be sure to help our kids see that their default sexual setting is to rebel against God’s good plan for sex and do the wrong thing.
Third, we are responsible to develop self-discipline.Peter issues this warning in I Peter 5:8: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I don’t know about you, but I can easily downplay and forget the unseen battle that rages all around us and inside us. Mistake. Have you ever read the first three chapters of Genesis? Why is redemption necessary? Why is our world so broken? Know yourself. Know your default settings. Know your unique issues and temptations. Know your triggers. Don’t go where you can’t go. Seek accountability and help. And if someone you know comes to you and says you have a problem and you need help. . . listen.
Finally, in a “do-anything” and hyper-sexualized world, we will do anything and everything as we allow our lives to revolve around the idol of sexuality. Honestly, I’m surprised we’re not hearing more stories like this. I believe that over time and in the very near future, we will be hearing more and more stories as a generation of kids nurtured by a boundary-less and border-less ambient sexuality comes of age. Sadly, many of the stories will involve both victims and perpetrators who haven’t yet come of age. That’s called “age-compression.” As I always say, “culture is the soup that our kids swim and marinate in 24/7.” If that’s the case, we shouldn’t be surprised at how they are flavored. Is it possible that we might even be moving from a world where that which is “secret sin” becomes an “open celebration?” And then there’s the schizophrenic mixed messages our culture sends to our developmentally vulnerable and easily influenced kids. . . things like “Go ahead and look at this!” but “Don’t you ever do this!” This is where so much of the difficulty comes in. Right is still right and wrong is still wrong. People are ultimately responsible for themselves and should be held accountable for their decisions and actions. But I’m not sure we can stand and point accusing fingers without any blame at all when we’ve been part of the horribly flawed nurturing process through commission or omission.
Our culture is talking about sexuality. We need to do the same. And in doing so, we must redeem this horribly misunderstood and mis-used good gift of God!
Dale (not his real name) was in my office, and through sobs of despair and shame, he said, “I don’t know what happened or why, but I cheated on my wife, and now she’s found out and is leaving me.”
I wish I could tell you confessions like that are rare. They’re not.
The question I want you to consider with me is this: Is illicit sex worth it?
In particular, are adultery and pornography worth the cost?
On a regular basis, I teach that sex is a gift from God, and it is. Regardless of the current level of satisfaction in your marriage, sex is a blessing from the Creator. He wants you to experience loving, creative, and exciting sex with your spouse. That’s God’s plan, and after over forty years of marriage, I can tell you from firsthand experience—it’s awesome when His plan comes together.
Few want to hear this, and even fewer believe it nowadays, but illicit sex outside of your marriage, including adultery and pornography, are costly. Tragically, we humans tend to focus on the “fringe benefits” of immorality rather than the high cost of our infidelities.
41% of marriages include either physical or emotional infidelity by one or both spouses.
22% of married men and 14% of married women have strayed at least once during their married lives.
74% of men and 68% of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught.
Over 30,000 people are viewing porn every second of every day.
Apparently, unfaithfulness is a relatively common issue, and immorality is far too widespread.
I’ve written about this topic before (find the article here at Charisma News), but let’s take a deeper look.
Why do so many fail?
There are many reasons, but here are some:
Sexual boredom (we think the grass is greener elsewhere, and that sex outside of our marriage will be better).
Unmet sexual and emotional needs in our current relationship.
The love of the chase.
The thrill of conquest.
Insecurities about our physical and sexual desirability.
The pleasure of sin (though momentary and fleeting).
Addiction to a feeling rather than commitment to a covenant.
Fantasies that we believe are better than our reality.
There may be additional reasons why some spouses wander, but perhaps the biggest reason is that we haven’t considered the high cost of our forbidden sexual exploits.
The costs of an affair that we forget or choose to ignore:
Damaged or lost relationships with your friends, children, and extended family.
Severe financial impact due to divorce.
Loss of your God-given mission and purpose in life.
Emotional damage and lost joy.
Loss of respect for yourself and by others.
Potential physical illnesses (STDs are still rampant).
A strong motivator toward moral purity is weighing the costs of moral failure. Ask anyone who’s been down that disastrous road and they will tell you, “It’s not worth it.”
In fact, many years ago, I had one guy tell me quite bluntly, “When it’s all said and done, an orgasm is just an orgasm, and my moral failure cost me just about everything I truly value.”
Wow.
We all know that drinking poison will kill us; we are aware of the cost of that irrational act. However, we foolishly toy with adultery or pornography thinking no harm will come, but it does.
Someone recently asked me, “Do you ever struggle with temptation?”
Without hesitation, I said, “I’m a male and I’m breathing. Of course, I’m tempted. But temptation isn’t the problem. Jesus was tempted in every way I am. The sin occurs if and when I stop resisting and give in.”
Flee sexual immorality. Don’t linger or dawdle. Run from temptation! Stop reading the trashy romance novels. Turn off the TV programs that stir unholy desires.
Have the long view. What will your failure or unfaithfulness mean to you and your family in the years and decades to come?
Count the cost and imagine the worst not the best if you fail. (This should be sobering.)
Ask godly friends to support you in the battle and to hold you accountable.
Establish and maintain wise and holy boundaries. (For example, never be completely alone with an unrelated member of the opposite sex. It’s impossible to commit adultery if you practice this one relationship rule.)
In hundreds (and maybe thousands) of conversations over my many years of life, it’s become clear to me that we all wrestle with the flesh. Frankly, every one of us is just one bad decision away from disaster. You’re kidding yourself if you think you’re beyond the potential for a moral fiasco.1
Not now. Not in this corrupt world. Not on this side of eternity.
But the good news is God is faithful, and He will always make a way of escape for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day. As I was eating my breakfast this morning in a hotel lobby, I was reminded that this is the weekend we celebrate love and fill the pockets of the folks at Hallmark. A fifty-something husband enthusiastically called his wife away from the cereal bins and back to the table where he was sitting in front of the large-screen television. “Come watch this!” he said. He not only redirected his wife’s attention, but mine as well. I looked up from my paper and watched Hoda Kotb’s story on the making and debut of her “Little Romance” music video, featuring singer Ingrid Michaelson.
In a world where music video typically focuses on equating sex with love, this one was a breath of fresh air. There was no entitlement, sexual bravado, explicit lyrics, or misogyny. Instead, what I saw was a fascinating and refreshing more-accurate take on love as a group of elderly fifty-plus-year’s married couples continued to act on the commitments they had made to each other so many, many years ago.
From my vantage point at my table, I was not only able to watch the video, but the husband and wife at the other table. Something told me that their marriage is one marked by commitment. They smiled and kept exchanging glances as they watched. And when the “Little Romance” video had ended, the wife wiped tears from her eyes.
The contrast between our understandings of love, sex, and marriage both then and now are striking. I wonder if fifty-plus years from now the pool of candidates for a similar music video will be markedly smaller? That’s probably a safe assumption judging from the different cultural narratives different generations are following.
We need to correct the cultural script for love, sex, and marriage. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working through Jonathan Grant’s wonderful new book, Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision For Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age. Grant does a great job of unpacking where we’ve been getting it wrong, along with how the Author of love, sex, and marriage guides us to get it right. Grant says that the way we view and live out love, sex, and marriage in today’s world is largely dictated not by our commitments to God, but by our commitments to being individuals who are authentic to ourselves. In other words, we endeavor to be true not to the Scriptures, but to our deepest impulses.
Grant says it this way. . . Living in an age of authenticity has placed heavy burdens on intimate relationships and has left couples striving to build security and meaning on its hopelessly weak foundations. Because of our culture’s move away from transcendence, or a belief in God as the source of reality, we have come to place the full weight of our personal identity on ordinary life – our material here-and-now existence. Rather than becoming free and expansive, our relationships have become narrow and constrained, having no purpose beyond themselves. This exclusive focus has seismically destabilized them in two ways: (1) the burden they bear becomes overwhelming because of the expectation that all of our psychological, emotional, material, and sexual needs will be met by one remarkable soul mate, and (2) the very bond we crave is undermined by the inwardly focused nature of the “authentic” self. We do not so much give ourselves to a relationship as expect the relationship to give to us.
Our most intimate relationships are looked to by each partner as a primary source of happiness and self-actualization, measured in narrow terms of personal gratification. Am I getting what I need from this relationship? Does it make me happy? Do the benefits outweigh the costs? The assumption is that a relationship may last until death if it continues to fulfill each person, but to make a lifelong commitment at the beginning makes no sense. The cruel irony is that contemporary men and women view intimate relationships as essential to their personal identity, but they struggle to commit themselves fully to those same relationships. We can only find genuine personal meaning by making strong commitments beyond ourselves. Because relationships are no longer seen from a transcendent perspective, they are divorced from any greater purpose than one’s own happiness and intimacy.
Tragically, Grant’s analysis is spot-on. This is how our kids are learning to live and “love.” This is how our kids. . . unless corrected. . . are going to live and “love.”
One of the most fascinating bits of information communicated by Grant in <em>Divine Sex</em> is some insight into the nature of romantic love as described by anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has observed that romantic love has been an essential part of every civilization we know of. Could it be that romantic love. . . understood and practiced properly. . . reflects the shalom of God’s created order before the fall? Certainly. Genesis speaks clearly to that reality. Because of that, Fisher’s insights are extremely helpful. Fisher says that there are three distinct stages of attachment in intimate relationships that can be tracked through neuroscience and brain scans. When understood within the context of the biblical order and design for love, sex, and marriage, Fisher’s stages are helpful and something we need to explain to our kids.
First, there is the obsession of early romantic love. Remember that? I sure do! This stage is one of infatuation. When people in this stage underwent brain scans, it was discovered that falling for someone impacts the same brain centers as cocaine, and with similar intensity. This stage has a short life span. Sadly, when we equate infatuation with love, we set ourselves up for disappointment and then “fall out of love” very quickly.
Second, there is the stage of sexual intimacy. While the cultural script encourages us to indulge our sexuality without borders and boundaries, the biblical script calls us to indulge our sexuality within the context of the covenant of marriage. It makes sense then, that God gave us the gift of sex to create and strengthen the “spiritual-emotional attachment” and the strong physiological attachment that also occurs. Fisher says that this is why we need to understand that there is no such thing as “casual sex.” Two become one flesh. . . just as God intended.
Finally, there is the stage of deep emotional attachment. Fisher describes this as the deep sense of peace, warmth, and security we can feel with our spouse.
If we mistakenly believe that Stage 1 is what it’s all about, we are only setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. . . over and over and over again. Sadly, we see that happening all around us. But for the couples in the “Little Romance” video and scores of others like them, their unwavering commitment (even in the face of the difficulties that are sure to come when two broken people commit themselves to one another) is the glue that cements them together for life. And with commitment present, they are able to grow in their love by God’s grace, realizing that when things might start to break, they work to fix their marriage rather than throw it out.
The question for all of us and our kids is one that Grant asks: How do we envision practices and habits that help to foster fidelity rather than enslavement to the recurring cycle of infatuation?
We can start by knowing the cultural narrative on love, sex, and marriage. Then, we can offer the liberating corrective given to us in the Scriptures. That’s what’s needed to teach ourselves and our kids to love well to the glory of the One who loves us and has given us the gift of love.
Later today, I’ll be doing something in a more organized and formal manner for the first time. Up to this points, my discussions on this particular issue have come in personal conversations or in response to on-the-spot questions during seminars. Today, I’ll be prepared thoughts to a group of youth workers on the topic of youth ministry and same-sex attraction. I’ve been asked specifically to do this because they know that for the last three years I’ve been concentrating the bulk of my reading and study on the topic. . . trying to learn as much as I can about cultural beliefs, clinical realities, and Scriptural guidelines. I’ve read across the spectrum of viewpoints in an effort to be open and fair. And naturally, all these endeavors have extended far beyond the parameters of the issue of same-sex attraction to the larger issues of love, sex, and marriage. The journey of listening and learning is not over for me by any stretch of the imagination. It continues. (Got some funny looks on the airplane yesterday as I was reading Jonathan Grant’s book, Divine Sex!)
For me, my conscious first memories of engaging in the simplest of ways with the topic of love began in Kindergarten. Every year when I was in elementary school, I would spend the evening of February 13 punching out two-dozen Valentine’s Day cards from perforated sheets, signing them with my name, and stuffing them in envelopes. . . each one addressed to a different member of my class. Back then, we used those little dime-store cards to send the same message to everyone. . . male and female as I remember it. . . “Will you be my Valentine?”
Now that I’m grown-up, I often think back to those days and wonder if our willingness to throw our meager and meaningless little expressions of “love” around might have contributed in some way to the widespread confusion about the nature of romance that seems to have gone viral throughout our culture. When I look around at our cultural expressions (movies, TV, music, etc.) and personal practices (premarital sex, cohabitation, sexual identity issues, etc.) I wonder if anyone even knows where to go to gain a clear understanding on matters of love, sex, and marriage.
Sadly, we’ve forgotten that love, sex, and marriage all have their origins in God’s good creation. The Creator of humanity has given us love, sex, and marriage as a gift. In Genesis 2:24 we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” When understood in this light, we see that our current cultural beliefs and behaviors might not be what they’re supposed to be.
During the coming month where we celebrate Valentine’s Day, why not take the time to teach the kids you and know and love God’s good truth about His order and design for marriage? Theologian John Stott reminds us that we need to see that Genesis 2:24 tells us that marriage is a relationship with 5 facets. Share each of these with your kids:
-Marriage is meant to be heterosexual. It is between a man and a woman. . . nothing more or nothing less.
-Marriage is meant to be monogamous. It is a relationship reserved for one man and one woman.
-Marriage is meant to be a commitment. A man is to leave his father and hold fast to his wife. What’s missing in a relationship where a couple simply chooses to live together is a commitment.
-Marriage is meant to be public. The leaving from parents is a social occasion where a couple commits themselves to each other in front of family and friend.
-Marriage is meant to be physical. A couple becomes one flesh by consummating their commitment to each other through the act of sexual intercourse, something God’s given them to indulge with each other exclusively!
The culture is educating our kids 24/7 on the nature of love, sex, and marriage. Are you telling them the truth?
For me, my conscious first memories of engaging in the simplest of ways with the topic of love began in Kindergarten. Every year when I was in elementary school, I would spend the evening of February 13 punching out two-dozen Valentine’s Day cards from perforated sheets, signing them with my name, and stuffing them in envelopes. . . each one addressed to a different member of my class. Back then, we used those little dime-store cards to send the same message to everyone. . . male and female as I remember it. . . “Will you be my Valentine?”
I once heard a chapel speaker teach that, outside of marriage, you should not do anything you would not do to your mother or father, as that would therefore subject the action to being ‘sexual’. It seemed reasonable, as I would certainly not want to do anything beyond peck my mom on the cheek, and I could see how that would draw a rigid line between what is sexual and what is not.
However, this definition, while it may be necessary for some people, seemed to fall short for me. And the reason is, you will not date your mother or father. The person you will date will most certainly be other from your parents, and with this otherness comes a different set of rules, permissions, and boundaries.
I have engaged this conversation numerous times with all sorts of people, and I have finally come to my own definition of The Edge. It may look different for you, and of course, as with any theological statement, it is subject to critique and flux.
So my definition of sexual boundaries outside of marriage is: I refrain from anything involving reproductive organs. Sex in itself is reproductive in nature. And as such, certain organs are meant for reproductive purposes.
So when people ask me if oral sex is permissible, I’m forced to say no, because it directly involves a reproductive organ. Breasts are also inherently reproductive, so they too should be reserved for the husband and the child being fed by them. The list goes on, so whenever a sexual act is in question, I simply ask if it directly involves a reproductive organ.
In other words, if I ever find a girl loco enough to date me, I plan to refrain from everything but handholding and kissing. We don’t want to initiate the reproductive process (or even stimulate any reproductive organs) prematurely.
I think there is immense value in being someone who “stays far away from the edge” when it comes to sexual purity. I know it probably makes me come off as prudish, but someday, my wife will be so happy I was able to save as much of myself for her as possible.
I also want to add, as I do with all posts about sexual purity, that there is absolutely nothing that can make you too dirty or unredeemable for Jesus. He wants you and your body, and it is never too late to be washed by Him and to begin to live differently. (And if you’re anything like me, that means screwing up several times a day at first, but thank God He is patient and gracious when we do!)
There is such a stigma in the American Christian world about being a virgin, or crossing a certain line, or becoming unclean if we do, and I disagree with that. I think these boundaries are helpful in helping us to fight for purity because God has commanded to, but with them come a heap of shame and guilt if we ever cross these lines. That is not my intent with this post. There is no sin Christ has not destroyed, and no shame He is unable to heal.
My goal with this post is to bring some clarity to what is often a foggy gray area, often left to relativistic maxims like “whatever your personal line is, don’t cross it!” I hope to bring many of us to a better understanding of sexuality, and how to fight for purity as best we can. What do you think? Agree? Disagree?
As we continue this conversation and thought process, may we be people who love purity and hate sexual immorality. May we be people who seek to please God with our bodies as much as with our souls and spirits, and may we be people who love to stay far away from the edge of the cliff.
A version of this article appeared on Ethan’s Blog on February 14th, 2017.
I’m Ethan & I love Jesus as much as my little heart allows. I’m an artist, traveler, and the Lord often speaks to me in poems. I’m a personal trainer, youth pastor and photographer. I graduated from Moody and now live in Colorado. Keep up with the wanderings of my mind over at ethanrenoe.com