Conversations, emails, interactions over past blog posts, and some very targeted reading all combined over the weekend to increase a sense of personal interest, urgency, and deep need that I didn’t imagine could intensify beyond the level it had already reached by the end of last week. I know I’m not alone in this.
The dialogue over the issue of homosexuality, same-sex attraction, and gay marriage is intensifying. Whether we know it or not, all of us already believe something on this. We come down somewhere. And whether we have consciously or unconsciously come to our conclusions, the time has arrived where we will need to address these issues with depth and integrity as we discuss them amongst ourselves, with the homosexuals we know and those we know that we don’t know that we know, with a watching culture, and with the kids we know and love. Failure to study, pray, think deeply, and discuss through these issues will be failure. . . plain and simple.
As I continue to pursue those tasks I do so knowing that I have to start somewhere. The foundation. . . the starting point for me. . . is on the will of God as revealed in the Scriptures. This is the foundation on which I’ve built my entire Christian life. It is a foundation dependent on God, not on me. It’s my desire to faithfully look at all of culture and life through the lens of Scripture, rather than looking at Scripture through the lens of my culture and life. It is my hope and prayer that I would faithfully pursue this task along with the great cloud of witnesses and community of faith – both living and dead – who have built their lives on the foundation of historical, orthodox Christianity. I humbly say these things because I’m afraid that the current cultural climate can too easily steer the ship of our faith in directions that are not faithful to that foundation. Instead of conforming our lives to God’s will and way, we too easily conform God’s will and way to our lives. I want to know what to believe and how to live to the glory of God. I can’t jettison this foundation and these commitments because it’s culturally convenient. I can’t.
And so I continued in my quest to read about homosexuality and the Christian. I devoured a short yet profound book by Wesley Hill, Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Wes Hill is a young thirty-something scholar who is passionate about his faith. . . the historical and orthodox Christian faith. Wes Hill thinks deeply and with theological intentionality. He is passionate about the foundation, even though that foundation doesn’t mesh with cultural norms regarding how to best live out what he feels every minute of every day. You see, Wes Hill is also gay, a reality that he describes as “a steady, strong, unremitting, exclusive sexual attraction to persons of the same sex.” As he has struggled with the sexual realities of his life, he has also struggled to live faithfully as a follower of Jesus Christ. And that’s what’s so refreshing about Wes Hill’s story.
In Washed and Waiting, Wes Hill peels back the curtain to a world many of us have never experienced as he takes us into his battle with shame and loneliness. He unpacks what the Gospel demands of homosexual Christians. . . and how the Gospel actually enables the homosexual Christian to not act on his/her homosexual desires. It’s a book about understanding what it means to be washed by God’s son and waiting with faith for Christ to make all things. . . including one’s broken sexuality. . . new. This is a book about how, “practically, a nonpracticing but still-desiring homosexual Christian can ‘prove, live out, and celebrate’ the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit in homosexual terms.”
In many ways, this was not a book solely about the homosexual’s struggle with brokenness. It’s a book about my unique brokenness. . . sexual and otherwise. . . the sinful bents and inclinations that I struggle with. . . the crosses I bear. . . the broken parts of my life that I need to submit to the Gospel and battle with for the rest of my life as I see my life as not temporary or my own, but as a part of God’s unfolding bigger story. What I read in Washed and Waiting meshed perfectly with what I’ve been reading over the last couple of weeks in N.T. Wright’s After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters. You see, God calls us to live virtuous lives that are marked by growth as we embrace and practice virtue. It’s a process that’s not only difficult, but that takes a lifetime.
A young man named Wes Hill spoke to me this weekend. . . with a depth of spiritual maturity that has challenged me to go deeper not only in my understanding of homosexuality, but in my own faith. After all, “the Christian’s struggle with homosexuality is unique in many ways but not completely so. The dynamics of human sinfulness and divine mercy and grace are the same for all of us, regardless of the particular temptations or weaknesses we face.” While many in our culture would hastily conclude that Wes Hill has gone against his nature to lock himself in some kind of unrealistic and out-dated moral prison, there is an amazing freedom that oozes out of his story as he has intentionally allowed himself to be swept up into God’s bigger story.
I’m liking this journey. . . and I’m interested to see where God is taking me.
“Get off my property. . . and get off NOW!” I remember hearing those words. . . several times. . . from the elderly gentleman (we’ll just call him “Mr. W” here) who had the unfortunate privilege of owning the house on the corner that happened to be where our elementary school bus stop stood for all those early years of my schooling. He watched us like a hawk. And every time our feet would wander off the concrete sidewalk and onto his grass, he would open the door and let us know about it. During our younger years, he was frightening. By the time we got a little bit older, our feet would trespass purposefully in an effort to get him to do what had become predictable and laughable to us.
Good old Mr. W has come to mind a few times over the last few days as the debate over same-sex marriage has been heating up. The rhetoric and mud-slinging has. . . not surprisingly. . . increased. Social media has lit up with what’s now known as the “marriage equality icon” and creative or not-so-creative mutations of that icon that have been tweaked to sarcastically and cynically get numerous other opposing agendas across. Sadly, hastily throwing around reactive words and icons is sometimes the best that we can do or even choose to do. . . and it’s not the least bit engaging, beneficial, or productive. Nor does it honor God.
Because I think that the Spring of 2013 will be remembered by history as a watershed cultural moment as it relates to marriage, faith, and a whole lot of other related issues, I’ve been very targeted in my reading, discussion, prayer, and contemplation over the issue of same-sex marriage. Not only am I working to refine and cement what it is I believe on this issue, but I’m pondering how to most constructively and Christianly (i.e. “God-honoring”) engage in thoughtful conversations with those who don’t agree with me. And, for the record, I believe that marriage has been instituted by God to be entered into by one man and one woman.
So, why would I ever say that “gay marriage is good for the church?” I say that because the current debate and wherever it ends is serving to wake us up, to sharpen us, and to get us thinking about and doing things that we need to be thinking and doing. For the record. . . again. . . I think it’s only a matter of time before gay marriage is commonplace from coast to coast. One of my concerns is that many of my Christian brothers and sisters will interpret this reality as a loss of territory. That people who support same-sex marriage will have “wandered onto our property” and that the best we should and could do is simply open the front door and fire off a series of volleys where we yell “get off my property. . . and get off NOW!” That approach. . . as we’re seeing. . . is just plain silly and non-productive. Shouldn’t we be inviting people into the joy of Kingdom-living?
The current debate is good for the church because it forces us to see that God is in control. . . not us. It reminds us that these issues are far more complex and difficult than we’ve made them out to be. It causes us to see people. . . real people. . . people just like us. . . who are dealing with difficult and complex issues in their lives. It forces us to confront our own glaring sin. It makes us. . . or at least it should make us. . . dig deep into the Scriptures to come to an understanding that will yield ongoing grace-filled conversations marked by give-and-take with people who might not see things the way we do. . . rather than one-way conversations marked by our grace-less yelling which we arrogantly expect can and should result in obedience. It will awaken us to the fact that cliches, reactive social media icons, and organized protests don’t do much more than turn off the very people we hope to influence. The current debate is good for us because it will make us face our ignorance and increase our dependence on God. As culture changes, God is in the midst of changing us. . . perhaps where it’s needed most. . . at the level of our sin of spiritual arrogance and pride.
Last night as I was laying in bed trying to sort out all that was running around in my head, I had this thought: The current debate should not be about followers of Jesus lording it over others so that they will conform to our wishes. Rather, it should lead us to a deeper life lived humbly under the Lordship of Jesus so that we will be obedient to Him. That, I think, will change the way we engage in this debate. Who knows what God will bring from all of this? I’m wondering if the primary change God is working to bring about in all this might be the deepening of His people in their knowledge of and humble commitment to and reliance on Him. Maybe we need a little refining. . . or a whole lot.
To the churches concerning homosexuals and lesbians: Many of you believe that we do not exist within your walls, your schools, your neighborhoods. You believe that we are few and easily recognized. I tell you we are many. We are your teachers, doctors, accountants, high school athletes. We are all colors, shapes, sizes. We are single, married, mothers, fathers. We are your sons, your daughters, your nieces, your nephews, your grandchildren. We are in your Sunday School classes, pews, choirs, and pulpits. You choose not to see us out of ignorance or because it might upset your congregation. We ARE your congregation. We enter your doors weekly seeking guidance and some glimmer of hope that we can change. Like you, we have invited Jesus into our hearts. Like you, we want to be all that Christ wants us to be. Like you, we pray daily for guidance. Like you, we often fail. When the word “homosexual” is mentioned in the church, we hold our breaths and sit in fear. Most often this word is followed with condemnation, laughter, hatred, or jokes. Rarely do we hear any words of hope. At least we recognize our sin. Does the church as a whole see theirs? Do you see the sin of pride, that you are better than or more acceptable to Jesus than we are? Have you been Christ-like in your relationships with us? Would you meet us at the well, or restaurant, for a cup of water, or coffee? Would you touch us even if we showed signs of leprosy, or aids? Would you call us down from our trees, as Christ did Zacchaeus, and invite yourself to be our guest? Would you allow us to sit at your table and break bread? Can you love us unconditionally and support us as Christ works in our lives, as He works in yours, to help us all to overcome? To those of you who would change the church to accept the gay community and its lifestyle: you give us no hope at all. . . Read the rest of the letter here.
A formal discussion about sexuality was had on the campus of Yale University back on Saturday, March 2nd. It was part of Yale’s “Sex Weekend.” The conversation took place during a workshop titled “Sex: Am I Normal?” Run by “sexologist” Jill McDevitt – who owns the Feminique sex store in West Chester, Pa. – the workshop included a time for students to anonymously answer questions using cell phones regarding their sexual practices. According to reports, survey responses indicated that 52% of the students had engaged in “consensual pain” during sex, 3% had engaged in bestiality, and 9% had paid for sex.
A report on the event from Campus Reform includes this: Event director Giuliana Berry ’14 told Campus Reform in an interview on Monday that the workshop was brought to campus to teach students not to automatically judge people who may have engaged in these sorts of activities, but rather to respond with “understanding” and “compassion.” “People do engage in some of these activities that we believe only for example perverts engage in,” she said. “What the goal is is to increase compassion for people who may engage in activities that are not what you would personally consider normal.”
I’ve been mulling over this report from Campus Reform for the last two weeks. I got to really thinking about it again yesterday when I read this article in the online Christian Post:“Rob Bell Supports Same-Sex Marriage, Says He is for ‘Fidelity and Love.'” Of course, Rob Bell is no stranger to controversy. . . controversy that usually arises at about the same time he releases a new book. It seems that during an appearance at The Forum at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco he was asked if he was in favor of “marriage equality.” Bell stated that he is “for marriage. I am for fidelity. I am for love, whether it’s a man and woman, a woman and woman, a man and a man. I think the ship has sailed and I think that the church needs to to just. . . this is the world we are living in and we need to affirm people wherever they are.”
My great concern in all the discussion is that the starting point for many are emerging cultural norms (Rob Bell’s “the world we are living in”), the high court of public opinion (majority wins. . . or even more accurately, any minority option is valid and right), and an appeal to compassion. . . even Christ-like compassion. A vein that runs through all these starting points is the pursuit of personal happiness and fulfillment. . . without borders or boundaries. That’s what was at the root of Senator Rob Portman’s struggle to reconcile his Christian faith and conservative views with the homosexuality of his son, Will. Last Thursday, Portman publicly renounced his stand against same-sex marriage. On Friday, he penned these words in an op-ed piece in the Columbus Dispatch: “Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.”
The great dilemma in all of this that’s faced by people like me is this: “How can I best maintain faithfulness to God, Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and His revealed will in the Scriptures?” I oftentimes look to the story at the beginning of John 8 as the teachers of the law and the Pharisees stand a woman caught in adultery before Jesus. Jesus masterfully confronts the compassion-less sins of the Pharisees while simultaneously confronting the sin of the adulterous woman. Rather than saying to her “This is the world we are living in and I affirm your adultery” . . . or “love and compassion trump the wrongness of adultery,” he confronts her sin, forgives her, and implores her to “go now and leave your life of sin.” As I ponder how to best honor and remain faithful to the Lord, I’m brought face-to-face with how I view and confront sinners, while maintaining a clear understanding of the sins that I and all humanity so easily slip into and embrace. I don’t want to be or give people good reason to think that I am self-righteous. Rather, I want to humbly serve the Lord and others without compromising on truth. Sadly, the reality is that any equating of homosexual behavior and/or same-sex marriage with “sin” or “wrong” is seen as compassion-less and intolerant.
Not coincidentally (I believe), I’ve been reading through N.T. Wright’s After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters.Wright states a compelling case for a more proper way to approach our lives as Christians here in the midst of our broken world. . . a way more proper than 1) the belief that Christianity is all about conformity to a set of rules (the Pharisees!), or 2) the more widespread contemporary error that Christianity is all about following a Jesus who “accepted people as they were, and urged them to discover their real identity, and to be true to that essence.” Wright goes on to say, “The idea of a goal, an ultimate aim, calling us to a hard road of self-denial – the idea, in other words, that Jesus of Nazareth meant what he said when he spoke of people taking up their cross to follow him! – has been quietly removed from the record, no only of secular Western life but also, extraordinarily, of a fair amount of Christian discourse.” I couldn’t help but reflect on these words from N.T. Wright as I read the reports on Rob Bell and Senator Portman.
It seems that in today’s rapidly emerging cultural climate, any effort to state any kind of opposition to same-sex sexual behavior/marriage based on Scripture leads to a default response that lumps one in with the Pharisees and position #1. It also seems that the accepted proper place for Christians to land is at position #2. But neither should be an option.
So what option should inform our thinking and acting on this and other issues? I think N.T. Wright nails it: “We urgently need to recapture the New Testament’s vision of a genuinely ‘good’ human life as a life of character formed by God’s promised future, as a life with that future-shaped character lived within the ongoing story of God’s people, and, with that, a freshly worked notion of virtue.”
God’s promised future is one of restoration. . . the restoration of the shalom lost at the fall. . . a re-ordering of things that are not the way they’re supposed to be (including in relation to our sexuality and broken sexual impulses. . . whether they be heterosexual, or homosexual, or whatever-sexual) to what they were intended to be. When we grasp that reality and look to God’s Word, we are all going to be confronted with deep discomfort over ourselves and our culture. Shouldn’t we all be for fidelity and love? Shouldn’t our first fidelity and love – even if costly – be to the revealed will of God and our Groom? I don’t say this arrogantly. . . Nor am I being nasty. . . I’m deeply concerned. . . .
And so I continue to think about that weekend at Yale. . . a university founded in 1701 by New England clergy “wherein youth may be instructed in the Arts and Sciences through the blessing of Almighty God may be fitted for Publick employment both in Church and Civil State.” The school’s motto? “Lux et Veritas” . . . “Light and Truth” . . . to this day.
I’ve waited a few weeks to blog anything at all about this new ingredient in the soup of today’s youth culture. I wanted to see just where it was going. . . and now we now. . . at least in part. It’s a new Facebook App that appeared a few weeks ago called “Bang With Friends.” The app is self-billed as a way to “anonymously find friends who are down for the night.” Friends. . . anonymous. . . down for the night. There you have it. That’s what sex has become in these days. Pretty straightforward in today’s hook-up culture, huh?
Here’s how it works. First, you download the app. Then, you log in. What you see are pictures of your Facebook friends. When the app first launched, the faces you saw were of your opposite-sex friends. Of course, that will most likely change pretty quickly in today’s sexual climate. Under each of their photos is a button that says “Down to Bang.” Click on the buttons under the photos of the friends you’d like “to bang”. If they use the app and click on your face, you get a notification email telling you that you’ve got a match. Then, you and the other person just take it from there. Are Facebook users using “Bang with Friends?” To date, the number of people who have downloaded the app is close to a million, and it’s believed that the app is responsible for a couple hundred thousand “matches.” This week, the SXSW annual music, film, and tech festival in Austin has become a “Down to Bang” hot spot. The app launched a new landing page for SXSW attendees who want to hook up with each other. This too, is a sign of things that have not already arrived on the cultural landscape, but of the future.
No doubt, all of us who have a history of struggling with sexual pressures, temptations, and sin in our teenage and young adult lives are thankful that something like this wasn’t a part of our cultural landscape. But we do have to be concerned for our kids. . . for so, so many reasons. . . . far too many to mention here.
Still, thinking for the last couple of weeks about the advent of “Bang with Friends” has kept me pondering what happens every time a person steps out of God’s grand and glorious “YES” and design for sexuality. Recent research on the chemistry and composition of the brain shows that we are integrated and marvelously made beings who God has wired for sex. The sex that he’s wired us for is to be between one man and one woman within the context of a monogamous covenantal marriage. God made it so that a couple commits to each other in marriage, then they consummate that commitment in the glorious act of sexual intercourse. Research on the brain shows that when a couple does that, an amazing complex release of brain chemicals occurs that binds the couple together and makes them want to come back for more. In effect, God has made us to be “addicted” to each other. Sadly, the same addiction occurs every time a person engages in sex. . . either alone, with another, or with an image on a screen. . . . and it messes us up when it’s not with our spouse.
If you haven’t done so already, every one of us who are parents, youth workers, pastors, etc. should take the time to talk to the Facebook-using kids we know and love. And the conversation should start with this sentence: “I want to talk to you about ‘Bang with Friends” . . . “
Over the weekend I had the privilege of spending a day with a roomful of youth workers at the Simply Youth Ministry Conference talking about one of the most timely, urgent, and difficult youth culture topics out there. . . pornography. It was our CPYU seminar on the topic. At the end of the day, I asked my youth worker friends to act on what we had discussed during the day. Their task was to sit around their tables and come up with a list of youth ministry strategies that were framed as “do’s” and “don’ts.” While their list is not exhaustive, it’s a good one. And so, I share it here. Take it and run with it. There are some great starting points, parameters, and boundaries here. . . .
Don’t ignore the pornography issue. It’s not going to go away. It’s touching every one of your kids and their families in some way, shape, or form.
Don’t be scared of the pornography issue. None of us have all the answers than this. And, God is bigger than this issue.
Don’t chastise, berate, or belittle the kids who are struggling with pornography. You’ll only drive them away and forfeit your opportunity to lead them in the right direction.
Don’t joke around, mess around, or make light of sexuality and sexual issues. They get enough of that from the culture and peer group. Let’s be above all that.
Don’t lose hope. There’s not a kid who will benefit from a lack of hope. All of them need to know there is hope for them as they struggle with this issue.
Do compare God’s truth and big “YES” for sex with the enemy’s lies about sexuality.
Do be proactive in addressing the pornography issue rather than being reactive. Remember, it’s a matter of when not if your kids are being exposed.
Do pray. The Holy Spirit can bring change.
Do equip them to live Christianly in the world. Don’t pull them out of the culture. Rather, equip them to live in a “porn is the norm” culture.
Do have conversations with your students’ “gatekeepers.” In other words, talk about the issue with moms and dads.
Do educate and empower parents.
Do elevate women in the eyes of your students. Culture and pornography are objectifying and tearing down women. We need to lift them up and celebrate their identity in Christ.
Do have credibility with kids. Do you have an issue with pornography?
I didn’t sleep well last night. Another conversation about homosexuality was something I was a part of yesterday. There have been plenty of these conversations. . . more and more, in fact, in the last few months. But the issue is rising quickly to the point where we must all intentionally resolve to read, study, pray, consult. . . and then come down somewhere. I’ve been working to figure out how to best help parents, youth workers, and others do that. I’ve been traveling on this journey for some time. Today, it’s becoming more intentional and directed.
My conversation yesterday was with a table full of highly-respected Christian friends. Each of them have had a profound impact on my life and ministry in some way. But it was evident that we don’t all agree. And, our disagreement is evidence of the fact that the “us vs. them” battle that once raged with a fairly well-defined line in the sand between the church and the world isn’t that well defined any more. On the one hand, this is a very good thing. What it means is that more and more followers of Christ are realizing that we haven’t taken the time to understand the issues, to understand the Scriptures, and to understand the grace and mercy of Christ that we are called to show to those who wrestle with same-sex attraction. The issue needs to be raised and we need to wrestle with it. It’s time. God does not hate fags.
But I’m still working to process the “on the other hand” that I left the table feeling. It was clear that all of us around the table have been engaged in the much-needed process of developing the aforementioned understandings. Cultural realities demand engagement in this process. But there was a lack of unanimity around the table. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. If we had had the time to really unpack our individual journeys with deep honesty I’m thinking that we would have told a variety of stories (both our own stories and those of others), we would hold to differing views of Scripture, we would vary in our hermeneutic, and we would be coming to a variety of different conclusions on matters related to homosexuality, same-sex attraction, discipleship for homosexuals, gay marriage, and homosexual sexual activity. . . to name just a few things.
At this point in my own journey, I believe (as I’ve been saying for a couple of years now) that this is going to be a primary defining issue for individuals, for families, for churches, and for youth ministries. It’s also going to be very, very divisive. New lines are going to be drawn in the sand. I also know that many of us may lose friends. . . not because of a lack of compassion. . . but because we don’t agree on the ethical questions related to the issue. People will get mad.
In our conversation yesterday someone relayed the words of one prominent Christian thinker on this topic regarding our starting point. He said, “We must start by knowing our sexual ethic.” I agree. The reality is that once we know our sexual ethic, we will have drawn a line in the sand and our “camps” will be established. The dividing lines will have been drawn.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks I encountered some things that have driven me deeper into pondering, praying, and searching the Scriptures for increased clarity, and to double and triple-check where I’ve already landed on this as a Christian. I will continue to do that, especially when friends who might not agree with me might not agree with me. I want to respect and honor them by constantly checking myself. Without apology, my starting point has to be the Scriptures. . . not my feelings, not my political leanings, not the prevailing spirit of the times (“Zeitgeist” as the Germans call that). . . whether that’s the zeitgeist in the church or the zeitgeist in the culture. I also want to be a person of grace. . . first and foremost to those who deal with same-sex attraction, and then to those who may disagree with me and my sexual ethic on these matters.
What is it that I’ve encountered over the last couple of weeks? First, there were the conversations I had while touring Washington State and Idaho with Jason Soucinek on behalf of our CPYU Sexual Integrity Initiative. Second, there was the “have you seen this?” email from a friend containing the Amazon Paper White Kindle commercial (see below). Then there’s the local birthing center’s ad from Hallmark and the greeting card company’s willingness to customize their newborn record products with an “additional Mommy” or “additional Daddy.”
As ethicist Dennis Hollinger says in his book The Meaning of Sex, “Christian ethics is the moral ideal to which God calls believers in life. Rooted in the character and actions of the Triune God, the Christian ethic is known through divine revelation, motivated by redemption in Christ, and empowered by the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit.” Because of what I read and know from the Scriptures, we are called to exercise a counter-cultural presence in the world. It’s for that reason that I must default to a position informed first and foremost by the revelation of God in Christ and the scriptures. At the same time, I need to battle my natural inclination to default to a natural theology – the kind that’s so prominent in our culture today – to “just celebrate and embrace who you are.” That would be downright dangerous for me in my own heterosexual sex life.
It’s a big task that’s ahead of us. We must care for those who struggle while embracing a biblical sexual ethic in our own lives. And, we must teach those under our care to do the same. The difficulty will intensify as we debate what constitutes “a biblical sexual ethic.”
By now, this is old news. . . but I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog on it because any attempt to do so seemed like sensationalism. Then I realized that as cultural shifts and trends like this one go, that which was once called “sensational” typically moves into the mainstream. That’s why we need to talk about it.
Twenty days ago, a story broke out of Carson, California that deserves our attention. It’s not only an indicator of what’s already here, but of what is just over the horizon. The California Department of Social Services stepped in to shut down the First Lutheran Church Child Development Center preschool when it learned that oral sex had allegedly taken place between preschoolers. Allegations of several incidents – at least seven by some reports – came from several parents. One father said this: “My son and this female student were found in the bathroom with my son’s pants and underwear around his ankles. They have a sworn statement that an adult witnessed the little girl performing oral sex on my son.”
That’s all we know. Now, we’re left to speculate on what kinds of events and circumstances combined in these kid’s worlds in the handful of years they’ve been alive. What kinds of things have they been exposed to? What kinds of things have they experienced or seen?
Age-compression is a term that captures a sad reality about life for kids in today’s world. It’s a term that describes how kids are experiencing – at younger and younger ages – things that are difficult even for adults to handle. They see these things, they believe these things, they learn these things. . . and then they do these things that they believe are normal, acceptable, and even right. Again, this case is probably only the tip of an iceberg for what is around the corner as the future of childhood unfolds.
I couldn’t help be think about this sad case when we were gathered together last Saturday with a host of youth workers, parents, pastors, counselors, and others for our one-day CPYU seminar, The Porn Pandemic: How Children and Teens Are Influenced and Shaped By Pornography. I’ve heard far too many stories of pre-school, elementary school, middle school, and high school kids who are seeing, believing, and doing. During the seminar, I talked to the folks about a seminar I gave on pornography at a seminary five or six years ago. At that time, the organizers asked me to speculate on what the future held based on what we knew about pornography then. It wasn’t rocket science. It wasn’t a stroke of genius. It simply took common sense for me to share the following:
There will be greater exposure to pornography for kids at younger and younger ages.
The pornography envelope will be stretched with more and more bizarre stuff at greater and greater extremes.
We will become desensitized to that which exists, leading us to seek out the stuff at the edge of envelope.
Pornography production and use will no longer be a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of personal preference.
The things that people see and hear depicted in pornography will become normalized, accepted, and celebrated.
Pornography use will be seen as a virtue, not a vice.
This is why we need to be talking about pornography more and more and more. This is why we are committing ourselves here at CPYU to dealing with this issue more and more and more. You can learn more about what we’re doing to address the pornography issue by visiting the online home of our Digital Kids Initiative. You can download a Parents’ Primer on Internet Pornography. You can schedule us to come to your church or community to talk about the pornography issue. And, for those of you attending the Simply Youth Ministry Conference later this week in Indianapolis, I will be teaching a pre-conference track (Friday!) on pornography.
It seems like a day doesn’t go by without the news featuring some kind of story related to the dark side of the Internet and social media. This week, it’s the unfolding saga of government officials and socialites. That’s the big story. Thousands and thousands of “little” stories never make the news, but they sure make our lives miserable when they hit close to home.
One incredibly dark side of life in today’s tech-saturated world is pornography. We’ve been examining the issue here at CPYU with some intensity for the last few months. It is incredibly dark. . . perhaps more dark than any of us care to know or imagine.
As I’ve examined this pervasive and magnetic cultural force I’ve come to the conclusion that when it comes to kids and pornography, it’s a matter of when not if. It’s not at all unreasonable to assume that your middle school or high school-aged teen has seen, sought out, or developed a dangerous and destructive relationship with pornography. That’s why one week ago today, we held a live webinar on “Pornography and Your Kids: What You Need to Know and What You Need to Do.” That’s why this weekend at the National Youthworkers Convention in Dallas I will be speaking on “Growing Up In a Porn Is The Norm World.” Again, this is one of those topics I wish we never had to talk about. . . but we do.
Let’s be realistic here. . . when it comes to what our kids are doing with pornography today, there will be long-lasting fall-out tomorrow. I talk about that in the webinar. Several people have asked me if I’ve got an opinion on what the future of pornography holds. In other words, if the world of pornography and what the world of pornography does to change the world is evident in what’s happened over the last 30 or so years, what can we expect to see 30 years from now. . . or less? Here are some thoughts:
1. We will see increased frequency and widespread exposure to pornography at younger and younger ages. That’s what’s called age compression. We know that pornography is already finding five and six-year-olds. That trend is only going to ramp up to the point where rare is the elementary-aged kid who hasn’t seen it.
2. Pornography’s envelope will stretched to the extremes. There’s a growing market for pornography. That growing market is creating a need for more extreme types of pornography. We’re not talking here about naked women. We’re talking about even more horrifying and even criminal stuff that at it’s most extreme level, depicts and includes children.
3. Like a drug habit, desensitization occurs, creating a need for more frequent and higher doses. Pornography addiction will be off the charts.
4. As pornography moves into the mainstream, it will be increasingly accepted, tolerated, and even celebrated. The use of pornography will become a right – maybe even a virtue – that is nothing more or less than a matter of personal preference and taste. Gone will be our societal ability to label it as wrong.
5. There will be a normalization of depicted behaviors and practices. What one sees is what one will do. This is called social norming. Perhaps this is the most horrifying expectation imaginable.
Forty years ago, youth culture trends tended to travel geographically. As an east-coaster, all a guy like me would have to do is look at what was happening on the left side of our country. That “crystal-ball” glimpse would offer insight into what would travel east to land a few months later on and in the youth culture landscape of our side of the continent.
In today’s world, youth culture trends tend to travel demographically. Instead of moving from left to right, trends now move from top to bottom. In other words, if you take a look at older young people, you’ll catch a glimpse into the values, attitudes, and behaviors that younger kids will be living out in just a few short months. That’s the trickle-down phenomena known as age-compression. If I want to know what a 12-year-old will be living out next year, I might want to look at what a college student is living out this year.
I was reminded of these tendencies last week when I opened an email from a high school principal. . . a high school principal at a Christian school I might add. He was thanking me for what CPYU does to inform parents, youth workers, and educators about current cultural trends. At the end of his email, he gave me a heads-up about something I seem to have missed: “The September issue of The Atlantic includes an article titled ‘Boys on the Side.”‘ In it you will learn (at least, I learned) that, among college kids in Ivy League schools, snowblowing is not something you do to your driveway and pink socks have nothing to do with the laundry! I think parents remain terribly naive about how pornography has become a blended, unnoticeable part of our cultural landscape.” Of course, that led me straight to Google and a hunt for “Boys on the Side.”
Hanna Rosin’s piece on the hookup culture on college campuses is one that I’m sure most of you will find both eye-opening and alarming. I learned – along with the Principal – that “snowblowing” is also know as “snowman fellatio” . . . or performing oral sex on a snowman. I also learned that this is indicative of kind of stuff that is so commonplace that nobody on the college campus sees it as anything other than normal. Rosin says that it’s all so commonplace that barely anyone even notices the vulgarity anymore. She does mention one exception. . . an Argentinian student who had just arrived in the Ivy League version of campus culture two weeks before. Rosin recounts her encounter with the female student: “‘Here in America, the girls, they give up their mouth, their ass, their tits,’ the Argentinean said to me, punctuating each with the appropriate hand motion, ‘before they even know the guy. It’s like, ‘Hello.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘You wanna hook up?’ ‘Sure.’ They are so aggressive! Do they have hearts of steel or something? In my country, a girl like this would be desperate. Or a prostitute.’ So there we have it. America has unseated the Scandinavian countries for the title of Easiest Lay. We are, in the world’s estimation, a nation of prostitutes. And not even prostitutes with hearts of gold.”
That folks, is a window into the world of our current campus culture. When we’re in it, we have a hard time seeing it. Sometimes it helps to look at ourselves through the eyes of someone other than our selves. You should spend some time reading Rosin’s article, “Boys on the Side.” And as you read, remember that youth culture tends to travel demographically. What is happening on the college campus today, is trickling down to the middle school campus of tomorrow.
Minister accordingly. Parent accordingly. There’s a much better map to follow. And for the most part, that map isn’t found on campus.
