Wrestling With Homosexuality. . . What’s A Christian to Do? . . .
I didn’t sleep well last night. Another conversation about homosexuality was something I was a part of yesterday. There have been plenty of these conversations. . . more and more, in fact, in the last few months. But the issue is rising quickly to the point where we must all intentionally resolve to read, study, pray, consult. . . and then come down somewhere. I’ve been working to figure out how to best help parents, youth workers, and others do that. I’ve been traveling on this journey for some time. Today, it’s becoming more intentional and directed.
My conversation yesterday was with a table full of highly-respected Christian friends. Each of them have had a profound impact on my life and ministry in some way. But it was evident that we don’t all agree. And, our disagreement is evidence of the fact that the “us vs. them” battle that once raged with a fairly well-defined line in the sand between the church and the world isn’t that well defined any more. On the one hand, this is a very good thing. What it means is that more and more followers of Christ are realizing that we haven’t taken the time to understand the issues, to understand the Scriptures, and to understand the grace and mercy of Christ that we are called to show to those who wrestle with same-sex attraction. The issue needs to be raised and we need to wrestle with it. It’s time. God does not hate fags.
But I’m still working to process the “on the other hand” that I left the table feeling. It was clear that all of us around the table have been engaged in the much-needed process of developing the aforementioned understandings. Cultural realities demand engagement in this process. But there was a lack of unanimity around the table. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. If we had had the time to really unpack our individual journeys with deep honesty I’m thinking that we would have told a variety of stories (both our own stories and those of others), we would hold to differing views of Scripture, we would vary in our hermeneutic, and we would be coming to a variety of different conclusions on matters related to homosexuality, same-sex attraction, discipleship for homosexuals, gay marriage, and homosexual sexual activity. . . to name just a few things.
At this point in my own journey, I believe (as I’ve been saying for a couple of years now) that this is going to be a primary defining issue for individuals, for families, for churches, and for youth ministries. It’s also going to be very, very divisive. New lines are going to be drawn in the sand. I also know that many of us may lose friends. . . not because of a lack of compassion. . . but because we don’t agree on the ethical questions related to the issue. People will get mad.
In our conversation yesterday someone relayed the words of one prominent Christian thinker on this topic regarding our starting point. He said, “We must start by knowing our sexual ethic.” I agree. The reality is that once we know our sexual ethic, we will have drawn a line in the sand and our “camps” will be established. The dividing lines will have been drawn.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks I encountered some things that have driven me deeper into pondering, praying, and searching the Scriptures for increased clarity, and to double and triple-check where I’ve already landed on this as a Christian. I will continue to do that, especially when friends who might not agree with me might not agree with me. I want to respect and honor them by constantly checking myself. Without apology, my starting point has to be the Scriptures. . . not my feelings, not my political leanings, not the prevailing spirit of the times (“Zeitgeist” as the Germans call that). . . whether that’s the zeitgeist in the church or the zeitgeist in the culture. I also want to be a person of grace. . . first and foremost to those who deal with same-sex attraction, and then to those who may disagree with me and my sexual ethic on these matters.
What is it that I’ve encountered over the last couple of weeks? First, there were the conversations I had while touring Washington State and Idaho with Jason Soucinek on behalf of our CPYU Sexual Integrity Initiative. Second, there was the “have you seen this?” email from a friend containing the Amazon Paper White Kindle commercial (see below). Then there’s the local birthing center’s ad from Hallmark and the greeting card company’s willingness to customize their newborn record products with an “additional Mommy” or “additional Daddy.”
As ethicist Dennis Hollinger says in his book The Meaning of Sex, “Christian ethics is the moral ideal to which God calls believers in life. Rooted in the character and actions of the Triune God, the Christian ethic is known through divine revelation, motivated by redemption in Christ, and empowered by the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit.” Because of what I read and know from the Scriptures, we are called to exercise a counter-cultural presence in the world. It’s for that reason that I must default to a position informed first and foremost by the revelation of God in Christ and the scriptures. At the same time, I need to battle my natural inclination to default to a natural theology – the kind that’s so prominent in our culture today – to “just celebrate and embrace who you are.” That would be downright dangerous for me in my own heterosexual sex life.
It’s a big task that’s ahead of us. We must care for those who struggle while embracing a biblical sexual ethic in our own lives. And, we must teach those under our care to do the same. The difficulty will intensify as we debate what constitutes “a biblical sexual ethic.”
By now, this is old news. . . but I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog on it because any attempt to do so seemed like sensationalism. Then I realized that as cultural shifts and trends like this one go, that which was once called “sensational” typically moves into the mainstream. That’s why we need to talk about it.
Twenty days ago, a story broke out of Carson, California that deserves our attention. It’s not only an indicator of what’s already here, but of what is just over the horizon. The California Department of Social Services stepped in to shut down the First Lutheran Church Child Development Center preschool when it learned that oral sex had allegedly taken place between preschoolers. Allegations of several incidents – at least seven by some reports – came from several parents. One father said this: “My son and this female student were found in the bathroom with my son’s pants and underwear around his ankles. They have a sworn statement that an adult witnessed the little girl performing oral sex on my son.”
That’s all we know. Now, we’re left to speculate on what kinds of events and circumstances combined in these kid’s worlds in the handful of years they’ve been alive. What kinds of things have they been exposed to? What kinds of things have they experienced or seen?
Age-compression is a term that captures a sad reality about life for kids in today’s world. It’s a term that describes how kids are experiencing – at younger and younger ages – things that are difficult even for adults to handle. They see these things, they believe these things, they learn these things. . . and then they do these things that they believe are normal, acceptable, and even right. Again, this case is probably only the tip of an iceberg for what is around the corner as the future of childhood unfolds.
I couldn’t help be think about this sad case when we were gathered together last Saturday with a host of youth workers, parents, pastors, counselors, and others for our one-day CPYU seminar, The Porn Pandemic: How Children and Teens Are Influenced and Shaped By Pornography. I’ve heard far too many stories of pre-school, elementary school, middle school, and high school kids who are seeing, believing, and doing. During the seminar, I talked to the folks about a seminar I gave on pornography at a seminary five or six years ago. At that time, the organizers asked me to speculate on what the future held based on what we knew about pornography then. It wasn’t rocket science. It wasn’t a stroke of genius. It simply took common sense for me to share the following:
There will be greater exposure to pornography for kids at younger and younger ages.
The pornography envelope will be stretched with more and more bizarre stuff at greater and greater extremes.
We will become desensitized to that which exists, leading us to seek out the stuff at the edge of envelope.
Pornography production and use will no longer be a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of personal preference.
The things that people see and hear depicted in pornography will become normalized, accepted, and celebrated.
Pornography use will be seen as a virtue, not a vice.
This is why we need to be talking about pornography more and more and more. This is why we are committing ourselves here at CPYU to dealing with this issue more and more and more. You can learn more about what we’re doing to address the pornography issue by visiting the online home of our Digital Kids Initiative. You can download a Parents’ Primer on Internet Pornography. You can schedule us to come to your church or community to talk about the pornography issue. And, for those of you attending the Simply Youth Ministry Conference later this week in Indianapolis, I will be teaching a pre-conference track (Friday!) on pornography.
Your Kids Have Seen Pornography. . . . So What??? . . .
It seems like a day doesn’t go by without the news featuring some kind of story related to the dark side of the Internet and social media. This week, it’s the unfolding saga of government officials and socialites. That’s the big story. Thousands and thousands of “little” stories never make the news, but they sure make our lives miserable when they hit close to home.
One incredibly dark side of life in today’s tech-saturated world is pornography. We’ve been examining the issue here at CPYU with some intensity for the last few months. It is incredibly dark. . . perhaps more dark than any of us care to know or imagine.
As I’ve examined this pervasive and magnetic cultural force I’ve come to the conclusion that when it comes to kids and pornography, it’s a matter of when not if. It’s not at all unreasonable to assume that your middle school or high school-aged teen has seen, sought out, or developed a dangerous and destructive relationship with pornography. That’s why one week ago today, we held a live webinar on “Pornography and Your Kids: What You Need to Know and What You Need to Do.” That’s why this weekend at the National Youthworkers Convention in Dallas I will be speaking on “Growing Up In a Porn Is The Norm World.” Again, this is one of those topics I wish we never had to talk about. . . but we do.
Let’s be realistic here. . . when it comes to what our kids are doing with pornography today, there will be long-lasting fall-out tomorrow. I talk about that in the webinar. Several people have asked me if I’ve got an opinion on what the future of pornography holds. In other words, if the world of pornography and what the world of pornography does to change the world is evident in what’s happened over the last 30 or so years, what can we expect to see 30 years from now. . . or less? Here are some thoughts:
1. We will see increased frequency and widespread exposure to pornography at younger and younger ages. That’s what’s called age compression. We know that pornography is already finding five and six-year-olds. That trend is only going to ramp up to the point where rare is the elementary-aged kid who hasn’t seen it.
2. Pornography’s envelope will stretched to the extremes. There’s a growing market for pornography. That growing market is creating a need for more extreme types of pornography. We’re not talking here about naked women. We’re talking about even more horrifying and even criminal stuff that at it’s most extreme level, depicts and includes children.
3. Like a drug habit, desensitization occurs, creating a need for more frequent and higher doses. Pornography addiction will be off the charts.
4. As pornography moves into the mainstream, it will be increasingly accepted, tolerated, and even celebrated. The use of pornography will become a right – maybe even a virtue – that is nothing more or less than a matter of personal preference and taste. Gone will be our societal ability to label it as wrong.
5. There will be a normalization of depicted behaviors and practices. What one sees is what one will do. This is called social norming. Perhaps this is the most horrifying expectation imaginable.
Snowblowing, Age-Compression, and The Future of Teen Sexuality. . . .
Forty years ago, youth culture trends tended to travel geographically. As an east-coaster, all a guy like me would have to do is look at what was happening on the left side of our country. That “crystal-ball” glimpse would offer insight into what would travel east to land a few months later on and in the youth culture landscape of our side of the continent.
In today’s world, youth culture trends tend to travel demographically. Instead of moving from left to right, trends now move from top to bottom. In other words, if you take a look at older young people, you’ll catch a glimpse into the values, attitudes, and behaviors that younger kids will be living out in just a few short months. That’s the trickle-down phenomena known as age-compression. If I want to know what a 12-year-old will be living out next year, I might want to look at what a college student is living out this year.
I was reminded of these tendencies last week when I opened an email from a high school principal. . . a high school principal at a Christian school I might add. He was thanking me for what CPYU does to inform parents, youth workers, and educators about current cultural trends. At the end of his email, he gave me a heads-up about something I seem to have missed: “The September issue of The Atlantic includes an article titled ‘Boys on the Side.”‘ In it you will learn (at least, I learned) that, among college kids in Ivy League schools, snowblowing is not something you do to your driveway and pink socks have nothing to do with the laundry! I think parents remain terribly naive about how pornography has become a blended, unnoticeable part of our cultural landscape.” Of course, that led me straight to Google and a hunt for “Boys on the Side.”
Hanna Rosin’s piece on the hookup culture on college campuses is one that I’m sure most of you will find both eye-opening and alarming. I learned – along with the Principal – that “snowblowing” is also know as “snowman fellatio” . . . or performing oral sex on a snowman. I also learned that this is indicative of kind of stuff that is so commonplace that nobody on the college campus sees it as anything other than normal. Rosin says that it’s all so commonplace that barely anyone even notices the vulgarity anymore. She does mention one exception. . . an Argentinian student who had just arrived in the Ivy League version of campus culture two weeks before. Rosin recounts her encounter with the female student: “‘Here in America, the girls, they give up their mouth, their ass, their tits,’ the Argentinean said to me, punctuating each with the appropriate hand motion, ‘before they even know the guy. It’s like, ‘Hello.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘You wanna hook up?’ ‘Sure.’ They are so aggressive! Do they have hearts of steel or something? In my country, a girl like this would be desperate. Or a prostitute.’ So there we have it. America has unseated the Scandinavian countries for the title of Easiest Lay. We are, in the world’s estimation, a nation of prostitutes. And not even prostitutes with hearts of gold.”
That folks, is a window into the world of our current campus culture. When we’re in it, we have a hard time seeing it. Sometimes it helps to look at ourselves through the eyes of someone other than our selves. You should spend some time reading Rosin’s article, “Boys on the Side.” And as you read, remember that youth culture tends to travel demographically. What is happening on the college campus today, is trickling down to the middle school campus of tomorrow.
Minister accordingly. Parent accordingly. There’s a much better map to follow. And for the most part, that map isn’t found on campus.
