This is not because this generation doesn’t want to get married; data continues to reveal high numbers of individuals who still want to marry later in life as acapstone to other achievements like education or career. However, when you couple this information with the fact that the marriage rate is at an all time low, hovering around 50% (compared to 72% in 1960), you can begin to understand the difficulty of speaking on sexual integrity.
Delayed adulthood, cohabitation, changing attitudes about sex, and a Christian culture mostly unwilling to talk about sex and sexuality are some of the many reasons sexual integrity has become a virtually defunct practice. Even among self-identifying Christians, our views of God’s intent for sex have shifted, leaving us in a place of little clear understanding about what to do with our bodies and how to speak honestly about sex.
Sexual integrity needs to be more than just a message about keeping your pants on.
For years the church has simply responded to the culture’s definition of sex. American culture says, “Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, whenever you want.” So what has the church done? It’s responded by saying, “Just wait.” But this is only responding to the definition set forth by the culture and not giving the definition from Scripture.
The definition of sex found in Scripture is based on “oneness” with our spouse. This is seen in verses all the way from Genesis through Revelation. Sex is meant to unify. In fact, when it says in Genesis 2:24 the “two will become one flesh” it is literally saying the two will be fused together, creating this “oneness.”
Procreation, pleasure, and protection all need to be part of the conversations surrounding sex in the church.
Often we are willing to talk about the power of sex as it relates to new life. But why are we afraid to talk about the pleasure associated with it?
Pleasure is not something Scripture hides from and neither should we. Our God is a God of pleasure. We see this in the first verses in the first chapter of the first book in Scripture, Genesis 1, when God declares creation (and thus sex) was “very good.”
Scripture also reveals sex has boundaries but these boundaries exist for our own protection. Because sex has the power to create life and fuse two people together, it requires protection. That is one reason we have marriage. It acts as a crucible.
Clear and consistent dialogue, not a list of restrictions, are needed for sexual integrity to be practiced more often.
Maybe you’ve seen some of the data suggesting young adults are leaving the church in droves. Although I don’t see it quite this way I do recognize a frustration with established religion, particularly when it comes to the attitudes the church communicates regarding sex.
Recently I was listening to a podcast from the show This American Life. The episode was a discussion about collected date showing people’s mindsets changing over the course of a 20-minute conversation. The reason for the change was simple: the parties involved had vulnerable and honest dialogue.
Most of the young adults I speak with are filled with frustration because few people are willing to have difficult conversations about our culture’s view of sex and sexuality. However, I’ve found taking time to listen leads to better and more in-depth conversations, which give opportunity to reveal God’s grand design as the sex-maker.
Let’s have more vulnerable and honest dialogue and make sexual integrity a part of the culture in our churches once again.
A friend sent me a link to this video yesterday. I understand it’s been around for a few days so my apologies for getting to it perhaps a little late. I found it incredibly enlightening and incredibly disturbing at the same time. This is who we are. That’s enlightening. And, this is who we are. That’s disturbing.
When I read the Scriptures I see that a generation can be lost within the span of one generation. It’s not necessarily over the long haul. When I watch this video, I’m thinking the same thing. I remember how twenty years ago we were talking about the postmodern turn and telling youth workers and parents that “we’re moving into a worldview landscape where there is no such thing as truth. Instead, truth is individualized and fluid based on one’s mood and feelings.” We’re here. And while we were only speculating on how this shift would play out in everyday life. . . well, here’s one example.
So, take a look at this. Then let’s talk about it. Feel free to comment and discuss. In addition, this is a great one to talk about with the kids you know and love. . .
Last week at our annual CPYU Banquet, our emcee Greg Anderson offered a few words of introduction right out of the gate. “Who could have imagined when we were here this time last year the changes that would take place in the year ahead.” So true.
Cultural change this last year was fast and furious, especially when it came to sexuality, politics, and sexual politics. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to sort out all the news and what’s behind it when it comes to issues of gender and where we now choose to relieve ourselves.
These are complex, difficult, and head-spinning issues for sure. Running to hide from or choosing to haphazardly lob insensitive and uninformed bombs at those with whom we disagree seem to be popular options, but they aren’t good options for the informed Christian. To be sure, my head is spinning. Consequently, I’m committed to take the approach Paul took when he ventured into Athens (Acts 17). I want to be saturated with a long vein of Biblical truth and orthodoxy, I want to know history, and I want to listen and learn before speaking. It’s so difficult in so many ways. I also want to fulfill my God-given responsibility to teach kids the truth, and I want to protect them from potential harm of any type.
In an effort to be faithful to the Scriptures and redemptive in our approach, a good first step is to “frame” the issue. Maybe we need to close the frame where it needs to be tightened. And maybe we need to expand the frame where it needs to be expanded. Ultimately, for me, it’s James Davidson Hunter’s posture of “faithful presence” (faithful to the Word, present in the world) that seems to be the most obedient and best option. How that’s going to pan out, I’m still not sure. That’s why the first step is to frame this thing with some assumptions. . . or, some realities that we must recognize as we work to take our initial faithful steps onto this new cultural landscape. Here’s what I’m thinking. . .
This is an incredibly complex issue. My friend Steve Garber told me three years ago that this is “the most complex, tender, and difficult issue we face in the church right now.” Face it we must. We can’t jump to quick conclusions or make it too simple. If we do, we risk getting it wrong and never having a voice.
We don’t own the conversation. In other words, the ball is not in our court. It’s the culture that’s having and leading the conversation. We’re aliens and pilgrims, remember? Consequently, we must be invited in. We must listen hard and study hard. In effect, we must assume the posture of a cross-cultural missionary. Read Acts 17.
If you don’t support LGBTQ marriage, LGBTQ rights, or free choice when it comes to preferred rest rooms, you are an ignorant bigot. That’s just the way it is right now. We must stick to the truth and God’s design as sound exegesis and hermeneutical method lead us to a proper understanding of God’s desires for our sexuality, but we must also jettison any extra posture/communication baggage that would warrant the “ignorant bigot” label. In other words, let the offensive Gospel be offensive. We can’t let our offensiveness get in the way of the offensiveness of the Gospel.
We must repent and ask forgiveness where necessary. We must confess our lack of civility, lack of Biblical depth, lack of love, lack of grace, lack of mercy, and lack of neighborliness. We must also confess our own sexual brokenness, otherwise we are nothing but hypocrites. To arrogantly attack these issues without seriously recognizing and addressing our own issues is flat-out wrong.
It’s not just something happening “out there.” These are our kids and our families. These issues are no respecter of persons.
When it comes to kids, you may be the only voice speaking to them about biblical sexuality. If that’s so, you will get pushback. Patience and tact are necessary when basic worldview assumptions are being challenged by what sounds like an incomprehensible foreign language.
Our kids are incredibly vulnerable to the cultural narrative. Remember, two of the main tasks of adolescence are identity formation and worldview formation. The years of childhood and adolescence are formative. So, we must be “forming” them.
The situation has become more complex due to age compression and age aspiration. Simply stated, the stuff we used to face as 18-year-olds, kids now have to process in first grade. And with kids wanting to appear, feel, and be treated as much older than they are, the ante is upped on how young they face these things. Parents. . . take note: You need to have some serious and difficult conversations at uncomfortable ages.
Child-centered parenting has accelerated cultural change on issues of sexual identity and practice. In all honestly, I am baffled by parents who let their kids hold the reigns on their choice of identity at younger and younger ages. . . even pre-school.
We will be forced to face very difficult, uncomfortable, and new situations. Well, we’re here already.
These are not the worst of times culturally. Human sexuality has been broken since Genesis 3:6. Cultural history is filled with a variety of expressions of sexual brokenness. This is nothing new.
This is good for the church. Seriously. For too long we’ve been lazy, entitled, and running on cruise control. . . which has led not only to the loss of our voice, but to ignorance on what we should be saying and doing. God is and will be using this to build His church and advance the Gospel. However, we have a responsibility to seriously, prayerfully, and responsibly examine the Scriptures. . . relying on revelation rather than speculation.
For some reason, releasing books on kids and sex is in season. Perhaps the reason is that the topic must be addressed because sex and sexuality have not only taken center stage in the world of pop culture, but they are at the center of kids’ lives and their search for identity. Of course, you’d have to be blind and incredibly ignorant to not see this coming. Fact is, we live in a hypersexualized world.
Yesterday I listened to an interview with Peggy Orenstein, author of the just-released and hot-selling Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. I want to encourage you to take 47 minutes and 4 seconds to listen to Orenstein’s interview with Terry Gross on NPR’s Fresh Air. If you hold to a Christian worldview, you will most certainly be disturbed by Orenstein’s findings. You will also disagree with Orenstein’s foundational beliefs about sex. . . something that she addresses in a straightforward manner and with some interesting insights towards the end of the podcast. You need to listen. This folks, is why we’ve started our Sexual Integrity Initiative here at CPYU.
For today’s kids, the word “dating” and the realities of “dating” bear little resemblance to what those of us from past generations understood and experienced as we “dated”. . . even if were teenagers just ten short years ago. It’s a new cultural context with new rules, borders, and boundaries. . . if, in fact, rules, borders, and boundaries even continue to exist. Perhaps that’s why we need an understanding of these things so that we can guide our kids into healthy habits and relationships.
Here’s a little infographic that will not only help you understand the landscape of dating in today’s youth culture, but just might prompt some much-needed discussion on dating rules, borders, and boundaries with the kids you know and love. Parents, look at it with you kids and ask them if this is an accurate portrayal of what’s happening in the world as they’ve experienced it. Youth workers, this is a discussion started that could lead to some deep, deep teachable moments and learning opportunities.
It seems more and more often, I become increasingly aware of how we position ourselves online and offline. Or rather, how we act when we think no one is watching.
This past year, 2015, was a testament to how prominent this phenomenon is becoming. There is a plethora of headline stories reminding us we don’t know what is really happening in someone’s personal life. Everything from celebrity pitch men being caught with child pornography to prominent Christian voices being caught in the act of adultery.
It should surprise me, but it doesn’t.
Maybe the Internet has caused us to live two different lives. Maybe it has created a multiple personality disorder. While I’m not a social scientist, I do know I am seeing more and more people saying one thing online and doing an entirely different action in real life.
I work a lot with teens and young adults, so maybe this is not entirely surprising.
I fear we are only going to see more of the same trends in the years ahead.
In recent months I’ve listened to podcasts, had conversations with others, and read books on how we fail to acknowledge our whole being. Rather, we fail to bridge the gap between how we act around others and what we do in private.
Social media is changing the way we act.
Online we are able to create our own persona. In fact, we can craft an entirely new identity. Our identity is shaped by what we post and others see. This is powerful, but this does not mean it always translates into other aspects of our life.
One book that makes this clear is called Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking) by Christian Rudder.
Rudder is the co-founder of OK Cupid and has tons of data showing this multiple personality phenomenon in action. Story after story and data structure after data structure revealed how what we say we want in our online profile might not actually match with what we want in private (or what we actually do when no one is watching).
If we are going to see change in this kind of activity I really believe we’ve got to create a more transparent and vulnerable society.
Here are three truths I believe are important to making this a reality:
Be humble and recognize your own brokenness.
Our human condition, as we read about it in scripture, speaks of our own brokenness. Genesis reveals this reality and Jesus is the solution. But this requires humility…recognizing we don’t know everything and we are all broken. Most importantly, I am broken!
Surround yourself with other transparent and vulnerable individuals.
Often times we model what we see around us. For the last decade many of us have modeled what we see others do online while watching them do something different in their daily lives. We need individuals who are transparent and vulnerable about their own struggles (both online and in person). This takes courage but it also encourages others to do the same!
Place your struggles in the light.
Our secrets only have power when they sit in the darkness. It is why light is such a powerful tool throughout Scripture; it reveals the hidden things in our lives. By placing it in the open the power that our secrets have are washed away almost immediately.
Happy Valentine’s Day. As I was eating my breakfast this morning in a hotel lobby, I was reminded that this is the weekend we celebrate love and fill the pockets of the folks at Hallmark. A fifty-something husband enthusiastically called his wife away from the cereal bins and back to the table where he was sitting in front of the large-screen television. “Come watch this!” he said. He not only redirected his wife’s attention, but mine as well. I looked up from my paper and watched Hoda Kotb’s story on the making and debut of her “Little Romance” music video, featuring singer Ingrid Michaelson.
In a world where music video typically focuses on equating sex with love, this one was a breath of fresh air. There was no entitlement, sexual bravado, explicit lyrics, or misogyny. Instead, what I saw was a fascinating and refreshing more-accurate take on love as a group of elderly fifty-plus-year’s married couples continued to act on the commitments they had made to each other so many, many years ago.
From my vantage point at my table, I was not only able to watch the video, but the husband and wife at the other table. Something told me that their marriage is one marked by commitment. They smiled and kept exchanging glances as they watched. And when the “Little Romance” video had ended, the wife wiped tears from her eyes.
The contrast between our understandings of love, sex, and marriage both then and now are striking. I wonder if fifty-plus years from now the pool of candidates for a similar music video will be markedly smaller? That’s probably a safe assumption judging from the different cultural narratives different generations are following.
We need to correct the cultural script for love, sex, and marriage. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working through Jonathan Grant’s wonderful new book, Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision For Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age. Grant does a great job of unpacking where we’ve been getting it wrong, along with how the Author of love, sex, and marriage guides us to get it right. Grant says that the way we view and live out love, sex, and marriage in today’s world is largely dictated not by our commitments to God, but by our commitments to being individuals who are authentic to ourselves. In other words, we endeavor to be true not to the Scriptures, but to our deepest impulses.
Grant says it this way. . . Living in an age of authenticity has placed heavy burdens on intimate relationships and has left couples striving to build security and meaning on its hopelessly weak foundations. Because of our culture’s move away from transcendence, or a belief in God as the source of reality, we have come to place the full weight of our personal identity on ordinary life – our material here-and-now existence. Rather than becoming free and expansive, our relationships have become narrow and constrained, having no purpose beyond themselves. This exclusive focus has seismically destabilized them in two ways: (1) the burden they bear becomes overwhelming because of the expectation that all of our psychological, emotional, material, and sexual needs will be met by one remarkable soul mate, and (2) the very bond we crave is undermined by the inwardly focused nature of the “authentic” self. We do not so much give ourselves to a relationship as expect the relationship to give to us.
Our most intimate relationships are looked to by each partner as a primary source of happiness and self-actualization, measured in narrow terms of personal gratification. Am I getting what I need from this relationship? Does it make me happy? Do the benefits outweigh the costs? The assumption is that a relationship may last until death if it continues to fulfill each person, but to make a lifelong commitment at the beginning makes no sense. The cruel irony is that contemporary men and women view intimate relationships as essential to their personal identity, but they struggle to commit themselves fully to those same relationships. We can only find genuine personal meaning by making strong commitments beyond ourselves. Because relationships are no longer seen from a transcendent perspective, they are divorced from any greater purpose than one’s own happiness and intimacy.
Tragically, Grant’s analysis is spot-on. This is how our kids are learning to live and “love.” This is how our kids. . . unless corrected. . . are going to live and “love.”
One of the most fascinating bits of information communicated by Grant in <em>Divine Sex</em> is some insight into the nature of romantic love as described by anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has observed that romantic love has been an essential part of every civilization we know of. Could it be that romantic love. . . understood and practiced properly. . . reflects the shalom of God’s created order before the fall? Certainly. Genesis speaks clearly to that reality. Because of that, Fisher’s insights are extremely helpful. Fisher says that there are three distinct stages of attachment in intimate relationships that can be tracked through neuroscience and brain scans. When understood within the context of the biblical order and design for love, sex, and marriage, Fisher’s stages are helpful and something we need to explain to our kids.
First, there is the obsession of early romantic love. Remember that? I sure do! This stage is one of infatuation. When people in this stage underwent brain scans, it was discovered that falling for someone impacts the same brain centers as cocaine, and with similar intensity. This stage has a short life span. Sadly, when we equate infatuation with love, we set ourselves up for disappointment and then “fall out of love” very quickly.
Second, there is the stage of sexual intimacy. While the cultural script encourages us to indulge our sexuality without borders and boundaries, the biblical script calls us to indulge our sexuality within the context of the covenant of marriage. It makes sense then, that God gave us the gift of sex to create and strengthen the “spiritual-emotional attachment” and the strong physiological attachment that also occurs. Fisher says that this is why we need to understand that there is no such thing as “casual sex.” Two become one flesh. . . just as God intended.
Finally, there is the stage of deep emotional attachment. Fisher describes this as the deep sense of peace, warmth, and security we can feel with our spouse.
If we mistakenly believe that Stage 1 is what it’s all about, we are only setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. . . over and over and over again. Sadly, we see that happening all around us. But for the couples in the “Little Romance” video and scores of others like them, their unwavering commitment (even in the face of the difficulties that are sure to come when two broken people commit themselves to one another) is the glue that cements them together for life. And with commitment present, they are able to grow in their love by God’s grace, realizing that when things might start to break, they work to fix their marriage rather than throw it out.
The question for all of us and our kids is one that Grant asks: How do we envision practices and habits that help to foster fidelity rather than enslavement to the recurring cycle of infatuation?
We can start by knowing the cultural narrative on love, sex, and marriage. Then, we can offer the liberating corrective given to us in the Scriptures. That’s what’s needed to teach ourselves and our kids to love well to the glory of the One who loves us and has given us the gift of love.
Later today, I’ll be doing something in a more organized and formal manner for the first time. Up to this points, my discussions on this particular issue have come in personal conversations or in response to on-the-spot questions during seminars. Today, I’ll be prepared thoughts to a group of youth workers on the topic of youth ministry and same-sex attraction. I’ve been asked specifically to do this because they know that for the last three years I’ve been concentrating the bulk of my reading and study on the topic. . . trying to learn as much as I can about cultural beliefs, clinical realities, and Scriptural guidelines. I’ve read across the spectrum of viewpoints in an effort to be open and fair. And naturally, all these endeavors have extended far beyond the parameters of the issue of same-sex attraction to the larger issues of love, sex, and marriage. The journey of listening and learning is not over for me by any stretch of the imagination. It continues. (Got some funny looks on the airplane yesterday as I was reading Jonathan Grant’s book, Divine Sex!)
For me, my conscious first memories of engaging in the simplest of ways with the topic of love began in Kindergarten. Every year when I was in elementary school, I would spend the evening of February 13 punching out two-dozen Valentine’s Day cards from perforated sheets, signing them with my name, and stuffing them in envelopes. . . each one addressed to a different member of my class. Back then, we used those little dime-store cards to send the same message to everyone. . . male and female as I remember it. . . “Will you be my Valentine?”
Now that I’m grown-up, I often think back to those days and wonder if our willingness to throw our meager and meaningless little expressions of “love” around might have contributed in some way to the widespread confusion about the nature of romance that seems to have gone viral throughout our culture. When I look around at our cultural expressions (movies, TV, music, etc.) and personal practices (premarital sex, cohabitation, sexual identity issues, etc.) I wonder if anyone even knows where to go to gain a clear understanding on matters of love, sex, and marriage.
Sadly, we’ve forgotten that love, sex, and marriage all have their origins in God’s good creation. The Creator of humanity has given us love, sex, and marriage as a gift. In Genesis 2:24 we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” When understood in this light, we see that our current cultural beliefs and behaviors might not be what they’re supposed to be.
During the coming month where we celebrate Valentine’s Day, why not take the time to teach the kids you and know and love God’s good truth about His order and design for marriage? Theologian John Stott reminds us that we need to see that Genesis 2:24 tells us that marriage is a relationship with 5 facets. Share each of these with your kids:
-Marriage is meant to be heterosexual. It is between a man and a woman. . . nothing more or nothing less.
-Marriage is meant to be monogamous. It is a relationship reserved for one man and one woman.
-Marriage is meant to be a commitment. A man is to leave his father and hold fast to his wife. What’s missing in a relationship where a couple simply chooses to live together is a commitment.
-Marriage is meant to be public. The leaving from parents is a social occasion where a couple commits themselves to each other in front of family and friend.
-Marriage is meant to be physical. A couple becomes one flesh by consummating their commitment to each other through the act of sexual intercourse, something God’s given them to indulge with each other exclusively!
The culture is educating our kids 24/7 on the nature of love, sex, and marriage. Are you telling them the truth?
Pornhub, one of the most-visited porn sites of all time, released their Christmas commercial a couple weeks ago and all we have to say is, Thanks for nothing.
In the commercial, a happy family has gathered together to celebrate the holidays. They’re laughing and exchanging sweaters when suddenly the son realizes his grandfather is sitting alone in his chair, looking forlorn.
The young man then hands his grandfather an envelope, the two exchange a look and then tearfully and joyfully embrace before the camera pans down to reveal the contents of the envelope: a subscription to Pornhub.
Wow. Seriously, Pornhub?
Porn companies, in an effort to make money, will do almost anything (including offer college scholarships) to normalize porn.
Here’s a newsflash: Porn sucks and does incredible damage to our emotional and relational health, not to mention the way the world views and makes a commodity of sex.
Here is a more accurate representation of this commercial:
Son: “Here, Grandpa, I got you a subscription to Pornhub.”
Grandpa: (Excited) “How did you know this is what I wanted?”
Son: “I just figured that you wanted to isolate yourself from your friends, family, and Grandma while you get lost in a world of degrading and false sex thatnormalizes not only violence against and objectification of women but also willtwist your ideas about how sex and intimacy should be so that after a while youwon’t become aroused by a real person anymore but can only enjoy the fantasy you see on the screen. Merry Christmas!”
You don’t often hear people say they want to spend their time talking to teens about waiting for sex.
For many people this would actually be their worst nightmare. Nothing sounds more embarrassing and anxiety-inducing than standing in front of a group of teens living in today’s sex-saturated world and trying to tell them about the benefits of not having sex. You imagine the bored, uninterested looks on their faces, the whispers to their friends, the smirks as you try to carefully explain why a condom does not in fact protect against the emotional consequences of sex. Just thinking about it makes your palms go all sweaty, and being in a submerged cage with a great white shark nearby feels preferable to this situation.
For me, this is a reality through my job as a sexual integrity presenter in a high school health class. So why on earth would I put myself through this week after week?
During college, I somehow developed a desire to speak to young people (primarily teenage girls) about sex. When I would tell others this, their eyes would grow wide and they would ask increduously, “Why?”
Why, indeed.
Here are three reasons I chose to speak to young people about waiting for sex:
I wanted to be a different voice for this topic.
Abstinence instructors get an enormously bad rap and some of it is justified (like when instructors use incredibly deragatory illustrations to describe people who’ve had sex). The biggest argument against abstinence instructors and organizations is that an abstince-only approach does not delay sexual activity (as opposed to a comprehensive approach).
Abstinence programs have also struggled throughout the years to not come across as cheesy, ignorant of reality, and fear and shame-based.
With this kind of reputation, it’s no wonder people aren’t stoked to hear someone speak about waiting for sex.
I wanted to be a voice that didn’t induce shame but affirmed the students as empowered people who have the ability to make good decisions for themselves, regardless of where they’ve been.
I wanted to give them the chance to see that waiting isn’t about a set of rules or being “better” than other people, but instead about knowing sexual activity is matter of integrity. I wanted them to be able to see another side, to choose to have integrity with their own emotional and physical health, and the health of their partners. I didn’t want to shame them or scare them into not having sex; I wanted to positively offer the truth that waiting for sex is the healthiest choice they can make.
I wanted to counteract the unrealistic ideas I had been given about waiting.
Waiting for sex is not about ignoring the reality that you are a sexual being and desire to have sex. That is real, and that is good. Instead, it’s about embracing that reality and reinforcing its importance by striving to experience sex in the healthiest context possible.
When I was growing up, some (probably) well-meaning adults and books written by (probably) well-meaning adults gave me some really unhelpful advice about waiting for sex. Most of it consisted of setting clear physical boundaries. A majority of content revolved around intense feelings of guilt if you did so much as kiss another person.
Setting physical boundaries with someone is important, but let’s be real: physical boundaries only get you so far.
Waiting for sex is about more than telling yourself, “Okay, I’m definitely not going past this line.” This is great a great way to set up expectations for yourself and your partner, but if boundaries are the only thing keeping you waiting for sex, you probably won’t be able to wait for very long.
Waiting for sex is about letting the bigger picture of sex manifest itself in your goals and your relationships. Physical boundaries play one role among a bigger purpose, and one without the other will make for a very difficult journey.
I also received a lot of advice that seemed to last only so far. As in, until I stopped being a teenager.
I wanted to be able to inform teens on how to make good choices now, but I also wanted to empower them to know their journey in waiting for sex would look different over the years as they grew older and entered different relationships.
For instance, waiting to have sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school was going to be a different situation than waiting for sex two years out of college during a serious relationship with no parental supervision. I wanted teens to know that if they really wanted to wait, they were going to have to learn to adapt and manifest this goal through different life circumstances.
I wanted teens to know their value is not conditionally based.
This may be the most important thing I hope to get across to the young people who sit before me in a classroom.
Particularly for young women, there is a lingering idea that their value as a person declines the moment they have sex outside of marriage. And for young Christian women, this idea is especially perpetuated as sex and marriage become an idol.
For me, I began to believe that my virginity was the most important thing about myself I had to offer to a future husband. I now know how very untrue this is.
Yes, waiting for sex is an incredibly important and valuable thing to do, but there is so much more to who we are as people than whether or not we are virgins on our wedding night.
I want teens to know that if they have already had sex or experimented with sexual activity, their ultimate worth as a person has not diminished because of who God has already declared every single one of us to be if we choose to accept this identity in him.
This truth does not mean we should just do whatever we want sexually, but it does mean that if we do fall short God’s grace still declares us worthy and, if we allow it, empowers us to start over from exactly where we’re at.
Teens deserve to have a conversation about waiting for sex that meets them where they’re at with compassion, humility, and forthrightness. I want to be that person and offer myself as an adult who’s not only been there but believes in the people they are and are growing into.
This is why I speak to young people about waiting for sex.
Over the course of the last few months, I’ve had a handful of phone calls and emails from people soliciting advice on how to respond to an invitation they’ve received to a same-sex wedding. Some have received the invitations from friends and co-workers. Others, from a sibling or relative. And, I’ve had two conversations with parents trying to sort out how to best respond to invitations from a deeply loved son or daughter.
These are not easy issues for the follower of Christ who believes beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Scriptures communicate a divine design for marriage. . . one that clearly defines marriage as a life-long, covenantal, monogamous commitment between one man and one woman. The more I study, pray, read, and think about these tender and difficult matters, I see the aforementioned as God’s clear order and design for His gift of marriage.
Holding to this increasingly counter-cultural view of marriage is setting the table for difficult decisions that have to be handled prayerfully, carefully, and with tenderness. As I’ve chatted with people seeking advice, I realize how difficult it is to navigate these things. . . especially when I put myself in their place. What if it was my child?
Last week, my good friends at Harvest USA published an article by John Freeman and Nicholas Black, “What to Do? Responding to an Invitation to a Same-Sex Wedding.” I love the way the folks at Harvest USA address these new cultural realities with two-feet planted firmly in the Scriptures, while thinking with compassion about how to best engage with a rapidly changing culture. As I read the article, I realized that it offers a good starting point that can help us think through these things. I contacted them and asked if I could pass the article (from the 2015 print edition of the Harvest USA newsletter) in its entirety on to you. I hope you’ll find it helpful. . .
With the legalization of gay marriage, Christians more often find themselves invited to same-sex marriage ceremonies. This poses a dilemma for believers of whether to attend an event that celebrates a life-union that God nowhere approves of in Scripture.
Declining to attend seems like an easy solution. But because it involves friendships or family connections, the matter can be quite complex. The issue is more difficult if the wedding involves a child or other close family member (for additional insights, read our mini book: Your Gay Child Says “I Do”).
Reaching a decision will involve careful theological reflection, an understanding of your relationship with the one(s) getting married, and earnest prayer. Here are some things to think about that we hope can help you make a wise decision.
The space for this article is not sufficient to adequately examine the scope of Scripture on this matter, but here are three Scriptural principles that should guide you.
Be in the world but not of it. Knowing how to engage with the world is important for Christians. Being set apart from the world (who we are and how our lives reflect who we live for) is demonstrated by our living in the world. Loving and investing (time) in our neighbor is the means by which the world comes to know God.
Freedom in Christ. 1 Corinthians 8 and 10, and Romans 14, are key passages where Paul argues for the freedom of the believer to engage with others in society, centered around the contentious issue of that day: eating meat from an idol’s temple. For Paul, (Christian) freedom involves examining issues of motivation, concern for the impact on other believers, and the context of the situation (see 1 Cor. 10: 23-33 and Romans 14:20-23). Freedom in Christ enables us to think through how our actions affect others.
Faith/conscience. Paul’s conclusion in Romans 14 is that we decide on issues such as these based on conscience, and that if one remains unsettled, then it is wiser to not participate, because it “is not from faith.” Christians can stand on both sides of difficult issues, so the freedom we have in Christ to discern how to live strategically in the world should move us to extend grace to those who decide differently.
After examining Scripture (which must be the basis for all decisions), here are some relationship issues that can guide you in making a decision.
What is your current relationship to the person getting married?Are they a casual co-worker, friend or distant relative, or someone you have a closer relationship with (like a family member)? Has the invitation been given to everyone in your office, department or family? Or, has it been given to you because you have a closer relationship? These factors can help you determine how best to respond. For example, if the person is someone you have a good friendship with, then you are in a position to speak directly to him or her about the issue of attending. If your friend knows you are a Christian, then this becomes another opportunity (or maybe the first!) to discuss your faith and how that influences your decision.
What would you be trying to convey by your attendance? Some people make the distinction between supporting the person, whom they love and care about, and supporting the event, of which they don’t approve. In making this distinction, it can communicate that attendance is not an implicit approval of their marriage. This is a meaningful distinction. We do this constantly in our other relationships, communicating our differences but remaining involved in each other’s lives. This distinction may depend on how vocal you have been about your faith. What kinds of conversations have you had? Do they know you are a Christian? Do they know your views about homosexuality? If so, your presence could actually “stun” them or really mess up the categories they may have about “Christians” like you. Christians, living intentionally by the gospel, can sometimes be confusing to people, causing them to rethink their positions and perhaps see new and bigger realities. That’s a good thing. If you feel that attending would lend weight to your Christian witness, then you might go. Your attendance would be in line with your desire to pursue a relationship because you care for them, and you want to keep the relationship open to have further opportunities to share the gospel with them.
What are you concerned about if you decide to attend? Are you afraid that your attendance would communicate your approval? Or, are you afraid of explaining why you feel you cannot attend? Are you afraid you would not know how to act or how to talk with other guests, most who would support the marriage? There can be lots of fear involved in making this decision. Ask the Lord to guide you regarding all these issues. Fear or anxiety about disappointing someone is never a good motivator to make a decision. A better question is this: What response might cause further openness to the gospel?
If you decide you cannot attend, could you substitute something else? If you reach the conclusion that you cannot attend, you might consider an alternative response. For instance, giving a card or gift would still show your care for them and acknowledge that this was an important day for them (it was, but you don’t necessarily have to join in on the celebration). If you are close to the person or couple, but still conclude that you cannot attend, then consider taking them out to lunch or dinner. Of course, this may be an uncomfortable get-together, especially if the person will feel hurt by your absence. But a quick follow-up may go a long way toward bringing understanding and another opportunity for you to share your faith. Another decision some people make is to not attend the wedding (because of the nature of wedding vows) but to attend the reception (if this is, of course, agreed upon by the wedding couple).
Do one or both parties claim to be Christians? Someone once said, “We shouldn’t expect Christian behavior from non-Christian people.” If the person or persons getting married are unbelievers, this doesn’t mean you have an unhindered green light to attend—but if someone claims to be a Christian and yet is in rebellion to God’s design and intention for how his people should live, and is celebrating it and inviting others to join in, then that is another matter. Many would argue that even if one of the parties is a confessing Christian, attending would be entering into their delusion that the marriage union is fine with God and is sanctioned by him. But some will make the distinction that attending is not the same as approving.
As you can see, these are hard issues! Your decision must come from wrestling with Scripture, drenched in prayer, and talked through with close friends or family members. But know this: that your wrestling with this is itself evidence of your heart wanting to do the right thing to honor Christ and to open doors for the gospel. Realize that there is no ONE answer to this, but there isone thing you can count on: like Jesus, you’ll probably be misunderstood regarding the implications of any choice you make. So, when you make your decision, know that you have made it on the basis of what will honor God, and be at peace on that basis.
A few weeks ago Playboy announced that it would no longer show nude photos of women. Apparently nude no longer sells.
And that is a big deal. Why? Because in our sex-craved culture, nude is not enough!
I’ve heard some rejoicing for this decision and I can understand why. These voices believe Playboy disappearing means the demand for pornographic magazines is changing. In some ways they may be right, but not for the reasons we might think.
As our culture continues to be exposed to more graphic and salacious images,Playboy just doesn’t fit the script any longer. What we are now exposed to on a daily basis is the same or worse than what just a decade ago people were hiding under our beds, away from the eyes of parents. We now live in a 24/7 porn-saturated culture. Whatever your passions could possibly desire we can now find online instantly.
Playboy themselves acknowledged this fact by admitting they have been overtaken by the changes the magazine itself brought to mainstream culture. “That battle has been fought and won,” said Scott Flanders, the company’s chief executive. “You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.”
Sadly, he is right. They have won and are winning.
In fact, Playboy reported an increase in online readership when they choose to remove nudity from their website last August. As a result the average age ofPlayboy’s reader dropped from 47 to just over 30, and its web traffic jumped from four million users per month to 16 million per month.
I think the reason for this increase lies in our desire to reignite the imagination many have lost. Think about it: most porn today leaves little or nothing to the imagination. Today’s porn is raw, in your face, and incredibly unrealistic. Don’t believe me? Check out the multiple studies found here and here.
We are so over stimulated with pornographic images that when we are asked to use our imaginations once more, the rush and excitement feels new again.
Porn is not the same as it was. It has changed. And so must our conversations surrounding this topic.
We must be bold, in the church and outside of it, because if we don’t we are going to lose some great opportunities to bring light into the darkness of so many stories. The church, better than anyone, has the ability through the work of the Holy Spirit to spark the imagination of the human brain as it relates to sex in powerful and new ways.
But this can only happen if we are willing to talk about the difficult stories (including pornography use) that often come as we talk about our sexual brokenness. The only way someone trapped in the cycle of habitual porn watching will hear the good news of the Gospel is if we are willing to talk about this bad news in their life.
While Playboy is adapting to show less skin, we need to be more raw, open, and transparent in our conversations about pornography and sexuality. In order to heal, we need to expose our struggles in ways we might not have ever thought necessary (or possible) a few short years ago. It is only through bringing our own weaknesses to light that we fight off the darkness.
We can be the ones winning, if we only start the conversation.
It’s been a little over a week since the news broke about the sexting ring at Canon City High School in Colorado. Early reports were that at least 100 students were involved in distributing at least 300 to 400 nude photographs, including pictures of Canon City School high school and middle school students. Needless to say, the area is now trying to sort out a parenting, educational, and legal nightmare.
As we say here at CPYU, the people in Canon City have been forced into the redemptive or response mode. It’s for this reason that we’re adamant about trumpeting the need for parents, churches, schools, and communities to exercise a prophetic and preventive influence in the hope that these kinds of things won’t happen. . . at least as extensively or severely.
The prophetic mode is where we tell the truth about sexting from a biblical perspective. We explain that it is a horribly flawed and broken expression of the God-given gift of our sexuality. We also tell them that it is immoral, sinful, and wrong. In fact, we should flee from it! (I Corinthians 6:18).
The preventive mode is our effort to derail sexting by explaining ahead of time the moral, spiritual, relational, ethical, and legal consequences of sexting. In other words, consider now the consequences that could stick with you for life if you choose in the moment to send and/or receive sexually explicit texts and/or photos.
In an effort to help you talk about this subject with your kids, I’m passing on two resources. The first is our free downloadable handout on sexting that can be found on our Digital Kids Initiative page. The second is the video embedded below. . . 8 Things You and Your Teen Need to Know About Sexting. . .from our friends at Common Sense Media.
We are all highly susceptible. . . and we need to recognize this reality. Proverbs warns us about just staying on guard. . . all the time. . . against the efforts. Proverbs chapter 7 offers a sobering warning against it. Today’s cultural landscape is fertile ground for seduction.
With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him. All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life. And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death. – Proverbs 7:21-27
Then, Scotty Smith shares this prayer that is timely for all of us. . . everyday. . .
“Dear Lord Jesus, what a sobering Scripture. But we shouldn’t be shocked, for you created us for rich intimacy and satisfying communion with yourself; the likes of which, even our best relationships, are just a hint, a whisper, and symbol. But alas, like all good things, our longings for intimacy get hijacked by sin and sabotaged by selfishness.
When it comes to relational and sexual sin, Samson and King David don’t stand (and fall) alone. Every one of us is capable of being seduced and seducing others. We need the gospel to keep us sane, centered, and satisfied.
For there are many lonely husbands, wives, and singles who are primed for a fling, targets for an affair, on the cusp of a “hook up”—aching, yearning, reaching for a few minutes of pleasure to medicate months, years, even a lifetime of disconnect and emptiness. It may never become physically sexual, but sometimes just the emotional connection can bring an exhilaration bordering on intoxication; and it is an intoxication that can lead to addiction; and an addiction that leads to death.
But Jesus, how well we know that it’s not just lonely and unhappily married people who veer onto the “grave highway” leading to the “chambers of death.” Even when we’re connecting well, even when our marriages are at a good place, or even when we’re quite content and fulfilled in our singleness, our seduce-ability is ever present. It may be dormant, perhaps, but never dead.
I know the way of grace is neither paranoia nor presumption; it’s rather wisdom, care, and freedom. You are constantly wooing us in the gospel, saying, “Come away, my beloved.” Your desire is for us and your banner over us is love. Indeed, whom do we have in heaven but you, Lord Jesus, and being with you, who or what could we possibly desire more on this earth? You alone have the words of eternal life, and your love alone is better than life. So very Amen we pray, in your tender and tenacious name.”
In thinking about the changes announced at Playboy magazine and what I blogged on two days ago, I started to dig through my memory and my notes (you should see my desk!) to find an article on the sexual revolution that I had read in ByFaith magazine a couple of years ago. That article, “The Shameless and the Unashamed” by Alan Dowd, offers a concise and compelling critique of the sexual revolution and what it’s left in its wake, along with biblically-based suggestions for the way forward. The article is spot on and very good. That said, I want to encourage you all (especially parents and youth workers) to take a few minutes to read Dowd’s article, as I believe it can shape our response in significant ways. . .
Those who pushed the sexual boundaries in the 1960s fancy themselves as revolutionaries throwing off the shackles of centuries of taboos and stigmas. “Emancipation is now a reality,” as Margaret Drabble wrote in 1967, cheering what she called “the golden age of adult sexual equality.”
The reality is quite the opposite—in two ways: First, the sexual revolution did not usher in a golden age. And second, God is the real revolutionary, challenging us to aspire to something more than the base instincts of human nature.
Promises and Consequences
The free-love sexual revolution of the 1960s was anything but a revolutionary step forward. Instead, it was a step backward, to the ways of the ancient past.
The context of Genesis 6 and 7, for instance, strongly suggests that human kind had taken an anything-goes approach to sex. The twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were so hungry for sex that some 4,000 years later, they are still synonymous with depravity. Lot’s life was deformed by the misuse of sex. Even the patriarch Abraham agreed to a plan to conceive a child outside of marriage—and outside of God’s will.
David took a whatever-feels-good approach with Bathsheba and stole another man’s wife. In following their impulses, his sons followed his example: Amnon was blinded by lust and assaulted his half-sister. Absalom disgraced his father and his father’s throne by having relations with David’s concubines—“in the sight of all Israel” no less (2 Samuel 16). Solomon was so controlled by his flesh that he had 1,000 wives and concubines (I Kings 11).
The gospels tell us that Herod took Herodias, his brother’s wife, as his own. Then he cast his eyes on Herodias’ daughter. And the Roman world of Paul’s day, as underscored by Paul’s letters, was a society consumed by aberrant sex.
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p align=”left”>In short, there was nothing revolutionary about our own sexual revolution. In our time, as in Paul’s, Solomon’s, David’s and Lot’s, the enemy’s promises are never fulfilled—and the consequences are never fully considered until it’s too late. . . continue reading the rest of the article here.
The New York Times headline offers up what appears, at first, to be good news. In reality, the headline reveals just how sexually indulgent and broken we’ve become. “Playboy to Drop Nudity as Internet Fills Demand” we’re told. In other words, the hard-to-find gateway and only-available avenue into pornography that so many men my age sought out in an effort to indulge our childhood curiosity in depraved ways has more-or-less given up. The New York Times article tells us that the magazine’s executives “admit that Playboy has been overtaken by the changes it pioneered.” Playboy chief executive Scott Flanders says, “That battle has been fought and won. You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passe at this juncture.”
Sounds like the sexual revolution ushered in by Hugh Hefner and his magazine is over. At least that’s what those who were at the forefront of the revolution are now telling us. Mission accomplished. And that is tragic.
Accurate statistics on pornography’s place in our culture and the lives of our kids are difficult to come by. Because of the continuing rapid proliferation of pornography through the internet, it’s all so fluid and fast-moving. Rewind to the best statistics from 2006, and we knew then that the average age of first exposure to pornography was 11-years-old. Now, nine years later, elementary-school-aged kids are walking around with smartphones that offer them 24/7 internet access. . . sometimes with little or no adult supervision. I can’t imagine what my inquisitive fourth grade self would have done with that kind of freedom. . . which leads me to wonder what fourth graders growing up in a culture of ambient hypersexuality are accessing on their smartphones.
At CPYU we’ve been working hard to understand and respond to the issue of sexual brokenness and pornography with helpful, hope-filled, biblically-based resources. This morning, I went back and looked over our “Parents’ Primer on Internet Pornography,” a free pdf download that you can access on our Digital Kids Initiative homepage. I was reminded that experts tell us that pornography addiction is fueled by three factors that are unique to our current online/digital (and now post-Playboy) age. . .
• Pornography is accessible. There are thousands of sites that can be easily accessed when one is alone in their own home. In addition, mobile devices with Internet access offer 24/7 connection to pornography.
• Pornography is anonymous. A person can access pornography privately. Nobody has to know them, and they don’t have to know the people behind the images.
• Pornography is affordable. The fact is that a large portion of Internet pornography can be accessed free of charge. Pornography that requires payment can be instantly accessed through the use of a credit card. What are the effects of pornography on children and teen
In an effort to help youth workers, parents, and others understand and respond to these realities, CPYU is offering a live online webinar, “Children, Teens, and Pornography: What You Need To Know and Do,”on Thursday, October 22 from 8pm to 9pm (Eastern time). You can learn more and register for the webinar here. We are offering the webinar in the evening so that couples and groups can sit and learn together. Youth workers, why not gather a group of parents together to view the webinar, and then spend some time discussing how to follow-up in your own homes, church, and community?
We live in a fast-changing world. It’s our hope that together we can offer Godly, Gospel-centered responses that lead our kids into a full and wonderful experience of the God-given gift of their sexuality!
This is a simple “heads up!” If you care about understanding kids and pointing them in the direction of Gospel-centered human flourishing, then I’m about to point you to three listening/viewing opportunities that I hope you won’t ignore or miss. Two can be accessed today and tomorrow as they run and air. The other can be accessed at your leisure.
First, over the course of the next couple of days, there is a conference on issues related to sexuality that is live-streaming. The Association of Certified Biblical Counselors is meeting on the campus of Southern Seminary. The pre-conference for two days on “Transgender Confusion and Transformational Christianity” is running today. You can access the live-stream here. Of special interest is tomorrow’s 5pm session with Dr. Rosaria Butterfield. Dr. Butterfield is a voice you must hear and heed. She is an articulate voice of Biblically-faithful reason who has come out of the academic community and was once living in a committed lesbian relationship.
Second, I want to encourage you to listen to this very helpful podcast from Eric Metaxas that includes an interview with Rosaria Butterfield. I was absolutely blown away by Butterfield’s suggestion that hospitality is actually a form of spiritual warfare. Wow! The implications for youth ministry are many. Be sure to give it a listen.
Finally, CNN is running what looks to be an eye-opening one-hour special report tonight at 9pm, #Being13: Inside the Secret World of Teens. If you’re in youth ministry you should not only watch, but get the word out to parents that this might well be worth their time.
Earlier this morning I arrived at our CPYU office and logged on to my computer. As I do many mornings, I checked to see what kind of traffic we had on our website yesterday. But it was today’s traffic stats that caught my eye. Listed under the tab marked “Search Engine Terms” were seven search term phrases that somehow led searchers to our site. Here are the seven terms that popped up in that screen. . .
12 years old girls sex
12 year girls any sex
12 yaer garls six video
12 year sex girl vedio
sex 12 years hot
12 girls hd sex
12 yer sex grilie video
To be honest, we’ve seen this before. . . just about every day in fact. . . but not in way that we saw this morning. Seven terms were listed. All seven were searches for child pornography. Our friends over at Covenant Eyes tell us that 1 in 5 searches on mobile devices are for pornography. On a running counter that you can see here, they tell us that as of 8:14am this morning, there have been 1,682,047, 674 searches for pornography since the start of 2015. Check out that counter now and you’ll see how the number is climbing.
If there’s any shred of goodness that could come out of what I noticed on our site this morning it’s this: the most accessed post on our CPYU website since midnight last night is a one-minute radio spot we ran back on August 4, entitled “12-Year-Old Girls and Sex.”
The good news is that if those who were searching for child pornography happened to listen to the one-minute spot, they were getting a sixty minute challenge to the truth, rather than being pulled further and further into the dark and addictive abyss of pornography. That’s a good thing.
Looking at this morning’s web traffic has served to remind me of how important it is for us to trumpet the message that viewing pornography is actually involvement in sex trafficking. We live in a culture that for this moment, at least, believes widely that trafficking human beings is dead-wrong. Many of our kids are vocal about the problem. Challenging them to see how pornography feed sexual trafficking is a way to get them to do something about it. It might also be one more deterrent in promoting sexual integrity that sees and responds to pornography for what it is. . . a horribly skewed, sad, and broken expression of God’s good and wonderful gift of our sexuality. We’ve got a wide open window to do so in today’s world, so let’s take it!
Here’s a little Parents’ Primer on Internet Pornography (a free download from our CPYU Sexual Integrity Initiative) that is helpful for anyone who wants to understand the issue and address it with kids. In addition, I’ve found this little video from the folks at Fight the New Drug to be a helpful tool we can use in our efforts to communicate this sexual trafficking message to our kids:
Salt-N-Pepa once said, “If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it’s none of your business!” However, it’s actually really important that we talk to friends and family about our sex lives (or lack thereof).
The funny thing about sex and sexuality is that it’s always influencing our behavior and decisions, even in Christian relationships, and yet we rarely want to talk about it.
I would consider myself a pretty private person. This is not necessarily because I have much to hide, but because I think there are some things that are not anyone else’s business, and it takes a certain degree of trust between people to earn this kind of vulnerability. My view of sexuality used to be very much in line with this, considering how personal physical intimacy is. However, I’ve found being transparent with trusted friends and family about my sexuality is one of the healthiest things I could do for my romantic relationships.
In her book Real Sex, author Lauren Winner touches on the idea of “communal sex.” Communal sex does not mean sex between multiple people, but that sexuality is something meant to be talked about and worked through with other believers. Winner asks the reader the question of whether or not it’s appropriate to ask our Christian friends about their sex lives, and – on the flip side – whether we should be talking vulnerably with others about our own physical intimacy.
God calls us to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galations 6:2) and to speak truth in love to each other. Sharing in our personal lives gives us the opportunity to grow together and challenge ourselves. It can develop a beautiful community striving for God’s will, and can prevent and heal so much of the hurt that comes with isolation.
We’re all familiar with this situation: a friend starts dating someone, and they are happy and blissful at first, but little by little start to pull away from close friends and social situations to spend time with just that person. Sometimes this can be an indication of an abusive or controlling partner, but sometimes we tend to think our relationships and sexuality are our business alone.
When we believe this idea, we naturally start to isolate from others.
If you’re unmarried it’s important to set physical boundaries with your significant other, but when you are both being driven by emotions it can be easy to flex the lines. There can also be an element of shame that comes with crossing those boundaries. It can be easy to want to avoid the judgment of others by not sharing your struggles. But when you get other people involved, and they are able to ask you the tough questions and keep you accountable, they can restore the validity of promises you made to yourself, your partner, and to God.
If you’re married, it is still important to talk about your sex life. To some this might seem like a violation of the sacredness of marriage, but it’s actually the opposite. In James we read, “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” By sharing in community about our struggles and our joys, we can build each other up and bring peace to the fact that everyone hits rough patches.
God never intended for us to do this life alone.
He desires rich, challenging and caring community, and this can only be accomplished when we are transparent with each other. The result of this community is a healthier view of romantic relationships. It allows us to see things from the bigger picture and keep God at the core of everything we do. From now on I’ve chosen not to shy away from conversations with trusted people about sexuality because I know healing, growth, and relational intimacy will come from it.
Last week at our annual CPYU Banquet, our emcee Greg Anderson offered a few words of introduction right out of the gate. “Who could have imagined when we were here this time last year the changes that would take place in the year ahead.” So true.
For some reason, releasing books on kids and sex is in season. Perhaps the reason is that the topic must be addressed because sex and sexuality have not only taken center stage in the world of pop culture, but they are at the center of kids’ lives and their search for identity. Of course, you’d have to be blind and incredibly ignorant to not see this coming. Fact is, we live in a hypersexualized world.
For me, my conscious first memories of engaging in the simplest of ways with the topic of love began in Kindergarten. Every year when I was in elementary school, I would spend the evening of February 13 punching out two-dozen Valentine’s Day cards from perforated sheets, signing them with my name, and stuffing them in envelopes. . . each one addressed to a different member of my class. Back then, we used those little dime-store cards to send the same message to everyone. . . male and female as I remember it. . . “Will you be my Valentine?”
These are not easy issues for the follower of Christ who believes beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Scriptures communicate a divine design for marriage. . . one that clearly defines marriage as a life-long, covenantal, monogamous commitment between one man and one woman. The more I study, pray, read, and think about these tender and difficult matters, I see the aforementioned as God’s clear order and design for His gift of marriage.
